69 Thoughts I Had Watching The First New Episode Of "The Great British Bake Off"
Mainly, sadness for Dorret.
1. OK, so which of these contestants is as good as Norman from 2014?
2. These bakers have been on the screen for approximately three seconds now and none of them are officially good as Norman.
3. I mean, NORMAN WAS TRULY IRREPLACEABLE. He had a Scottish dog and a LUST for pesto. You just can't top that. Seriously.
4. Goodness this is a dramatic intro, well, in Bake Off standards. The opening bit of The Apprentice is usually people running around shouting "DIE ALONE BITCH", whilst on Bake Off right now they're talking about their surprise involvement.
5. And Paul Hollywood's sex eyes.
6. Sandy says that she's a little bit random and can start baking a cake but end up coming out with a meat pie.
7. I've just asked Norman on Twitter whether in 2014's Bake Off he made a meat pie and he's just reminded me that he baked what he jokingly referred to as a "Pieffel Tower". It was very popular.
8. So already Sandy is now automatically my favourite contestant of 2015.
9. The opening titles have ended and they're zooming in on each contestant's face. The only thing I'm thinking is Who are you? whenever they are on-screen.
10. Paul is basically using this show to pick up people with the line first clanging Bake Off sexual innuendo of the year: "We've got 12 contestants to break in."
11. Meanwhile Mary is wearing a coat so zipped up to her neck you aren't giving a damn to anything that she's saying at all. When was this filmed?
12. A new contestant called Ian is now on-screen. He wears a jumper that I own.
13. A jumper that is shoved in the cupboard of "clothes-you-don't-like-but-can't-be-bothered-to-get-rid-of"..."but-will-eventually-do-so-when-you-move-house".
14. As he's wearing it and he's a contestant I might actually keep it now.
15. "I'm making a gin-and-tonic-based Madeira cake", says a guy called Mat.
16. Mary's face literally lit up when he announced that.
17. So did mine.
18. A cake that gets you shitfaced would be the greatest invention ever made.
19. "As long as we get the balance right", replies Paul Hollywood.
20. THERE ARE SEVEN SHOTS PAUL. WHO CARES IF YOU CAN STAND AFTER IT?
21. Sue's narration for every contestant in this show: "This contestant lives with many people and they all love their cakes because they're so fantastic."
22. Sue's narration for your life: "YOU LIVE ALONE AND YOU CAN'T BAKE."
23. The most middle-class thing ever on Bake Off, from Flora, who forgot to set the oven: "At home we have an Aga so we're used to having it on all the time."
24. Ah, Stu, the contestant with the hat who plays a musical instrument, is on.
25. I bet Twitter hates him purely because he has a hat.
26. Another contestant, Paul, is on-screen. He is a prison governor and is basically the twin brother of Sam Healy from Orange Is the New Black.
27. Now all of the contestants are talking about the "crack" during the Madeira cake (innuendo). Meanwhile contestant Tamal is trying to go one up from Mat with his gin-and-tonic-based cake, so he appears to be injecting it with heroin.
28. Mary is now trying to show how versatile the candy is by dropping it from a height. She is literally making it up as it all goes on, isn't she?
29. If I was Mary I would be like, "I will now throw the cake towards this window like a frisbee to check how versatile it is. This is a test."
30. They're now opening up the gin and tonic cake of sexual drunken lust.
31. "The gin is not there."
32. It needs more gin then.
33. Screw what Twitter says. TAKE OFF YOUR HAT STU FFS.
34. Let us take time in this thoughts post to appreciate Marie's lovely glow.
35. They are now on to the technical challenge, the walnut cake.
36. There's first a "will my walnuts be the right size?" tension.
37. There's now a "Mary didn't tell us how long to put it into the oven" tension.
38. It's now escalated to "do I add four tablespoons worth of water into my meringue-style frosting?" tension.
39. "HOLY SHENANIGANS" – Stu's swearing alone is why the BBC must continue popular entertainment formats.
40. And Paul and Mary are back for the judging. Mary has said "layers" for the first time and Paul has been rubbing the insides of the cake. 🎉🎉
41. But nearly every single cake is "grainy", which just seems as if the contestants had dropped their cake into sand.
42. Oh wait. There's no history lesson/flashback section of the show.
43. And I really wanted to take a piss. What a shame.
44. Ian's jumper is back. I'm going to burn Ian's jumper at the back of the garden right now because I really want Mary's zipped-up coat so much more.
45. Black Forest gâteau now for the showstopper challege.
46. "I love the Black Forest, a lovely part of the world", says Marie.
47. I have absolutely no titting clue where the Black Forest is.
48. Now looking at Google Maps.
49. Actually scratch that... Marie's powerful hair is more important than this.
50. So majestic.
51. OK, so all of the cakes seem to be coming along swimmingly.
52. Ugne meanwhile seems to be doing hippie crack just like Tamal's heroin.
53. Oh wait, Dorret's one looks alarmingly not ready.
54. Don't worry. I think it'll all end up being OK.
55. She's now removing it from the fridge.
56. Oh god this is a mousse.
57. OH GOD.
58. OH DORRET.
59. OH MY HEART IS BREAKING DORRET.
60. DORRET STOP CRYING.
61. Paul and Mary are reviewing other cakes. I literally don't give a shit.
62. All I want is a conclusion to this Dorret story. I don't care.
63. And now Paul is eating her cake. This will make her feel so much better.
64. "It's like chewing on a rubber tyre," Paul says.
65. Great. Thanks, Paul. She's dead now.
66. And now it is the time for the ceremonial goodbye hug to the contestant.
67. It's Dorret.
68. OH WAIT NO. Stu. Stu. STU STU STU.
69. You were on for like two minutes but you had a hat on so bye.