1."The theme this year is 'Come Together'. I would have liked to have been in that meeting, but hey, they signed off on it."
2."This is the flag ceremony where the flags all go on the stage... They project the flags onto these white costumes. They're draped on models. The whole thing is designed to humiliate beautiful people."
3."He's apparently put 1,000 euros on himself to win. Hopefully he doesn't need that money for laser tattoo removal later in life, because I think he's lost."
4."You musn't worry about Freddie, ladies and gentlemen. If he doesn't do well tonight, he's always got that hotel management degree. I feel he may be using it."
5."There must be some poor street lighting in Bulgaria, but she's invested in some light up knee pads, which is handy for gardening at night. I can't imagine what she gets up to."
6."Germany is performing a song called 'Ghost'. Now forgive me, maybe I am just getting old and grumpy, but there isn't a single thing about this woman that doesn't annoy me. They obviously had a very lengthy meeting about costume and set design, and they liked every single idea they had."
7."They say it like it is a good thing."
8.“From one of the best songs in the competition… to Cyprus.”
9."The band is performing in cages. I don't know who it is protecting. Them, or the audience."
10."I can tell you, I didn't overhear it on a lift or anything, she is pregnant and it's a little boy. And all I'm saying is, maternity wear is very different in Malta."
11."We will need Stephen Hawking to explain how that was only three minutes. It felt a lot longer."
12."Oh my goodness that's the actual Alexander Rybak... Guess he wasn't busy."
14."Couldn't he get a dog sitter?"
15."We're on the left side of the board. You might want to take a picture."
16."Is this Paris by any chance? It's hard to tell."
17."Is she an Uber driver in Moldova?"
18."I think her headphones got a bit tangled there."
19."Is that a fountain or has a fire hydrant exploded behind her?"