1. When you see notifications on your phone you go nuts.
A number? A number next to your favourite app? How can you let it be this way? YOU JUST WON’T STAND FOR THIS.
You subsequently open every single app with a number alongside it, then immediately close the app without checking what the notification was for, just so that number has been removed from the home screen.
2. When the numbers have been removed you feel like this.
Look how clean and sexy it looks. This is just the way you always want it to be. Always. Forever. In your heart.
Then a mate of yours likes one of your Instagram photos, a Podcast you accidentally subscribed to has downloaded, and one of your mutual friends has sent you a sticker of a dancing cactus doing a limbo on Facebook Messenger :(
Oh and that WhatsApp group you secretly want to leave? It now has 64 notifications.
3. When a folder on your phone has a number next to it for no reason you despair.
You’ve opened the folder, you’ve looked at all of the apps in your folder, you’ve now closed the folder. The number is still there. You then open the folder, you look at all of the apps in your folder, you then close the folder. The number is still there.
Note to readers: Yes I do know that I have 6,553 unread emails. I WILL READ THESE LATER OKAY?
4. You categorise every app you own into many MANY MANY folders.
This takes you about nine hours to do, but you don’t care. You feel like you’ve just achieved something big. Look at the beautiful 38597 categories that you have created.
From the folder Apps That Make Me Feel Nostalgic About 1997‘to Apps That I Don’t Use (But I Don’t Want To Feel Left Out So I Own Them Anyway). How can your life be more organised than this?
5. You also won’t delete anything from your phone. Ever.
Look at all of these dead apps. Euro 2012? Dead. BBC Olympics? Expired (until the next Olympics when it will rise from the dead). And London 2012? Oh, don’t mention London 2012 it just hurts me so much. Still. Two years on. I’m sad, you know.
But will you get rid of them? No, you won’t. Why won’t you? Because they provide “memories”. “Memories” of apps you once opened and you once enjoyed at one time.
6. You double tap on the ‘button’ so you can just flick away every single app you’re currently not using.
The greatest feeling in the world? When you’ve realised that you can flick up two or even three different apps at the same time using three of your fingers. You look like an utter idiot when you do this but you don’t care.
Also, don’t question what benefits swiping gives your phone. You clearly don’t give a shit.
7. You constantly search for App updates on your phone, even though Apps are updated automatically anyway.
This is followed by a huge moment of surprise when you see that one of your favourite apps is having a big update and you can update it RIGHT NOW.
This is then followed by this inevitable realisation: “Ah. Bug fixes.”
8. You also read every App update description without fail.
You feel a sense of pride and optimism about the future of all apps everywhere.
But can you speak Portugese? No, you cannot.
9. And you also decide to download every single app ever.
Yes, you DO need an app showing you a map of the Budapest Underground network. Even though you haven’t been to Budapest before (and you never will).
10. But then you have a software update and you realise that you haven’t got enough space for the update because you’ve downloaded every app ever.
Don’t mention this to me in person or I will punch you in the face.
11. And because you’ve downloaded all of the news apps, you get notified of breaking news approximately 148 times.
U.S added 192,000 jobs in March, Unemployment Still 6.7%. U.S added 192,000 jobs in March, Unemployment Still 6.7%. U.S added 192,000 jobs in March, Unemployment Still 6.7%, UNEMPLOYMENT STILL 6.7%. US ADDED 192,000 JOBS IN MARCH. WE KNOW. WE REALLY KNOW THANKS THE NEWS MEDIA.
12. You have no reason to look at your iPhone, but you are looking at it anyway.
You know you’ve got a serious addiction when you look at the homepage without launching any apps or replying to any messages. You’re just happy that it’s there.
13. And when you see a mate’s phone, and you realise that they haven’t downloaded iOS7 yet.
IT WILL ONLY TAKE YOU ELEVEN HOURS AND YOUR ENTIRE iPHONE MEMORY.
HOW CAN YOU BREATHE? HOW CAN WE BE FRIENDS? THIS IS TEARING A HOLE IN MY HEART OH MY GOD…