1. DON’T decide to steal a traffic sign while drunk.
Why? Because you’ll feel guilty, but will also worry that if you take it back you’ll be arrested for nicking it in the first place. So in a fit of shame you’ll end up returning the traffic sign 137 days later, to a road nowhere near where the actual roadworks are, at 3am.
2. Don’t go crazy over communal milk.
Why? During the first few days at university you will decide to be BEST FRIENDS with everyone (bar that scary woman). You will decide to share the entire contents of the fridge, all of the utensils in the cupboard, and *whispers* all of your secrets. Then someone will screw it all up, and you will start keeping mayonnaise in your bedroom at all times.
You can share some things now; just don’t get mad when the communal milk is used up and nobody has bought a new one even though “you all made an agreement about who will next pay for the milk”, because it’s weird.
3. Don’t decide to sit outside the communal washing machine waiting for your laundry to be done.
Why? Nobody wants to nick your pants while your load is in the wash. Seriously.
4. Don’t be jealous of universities with bigger acts performing at their Freshers’ Ball.
Why? Because any cynicism in your bones will instantly disappear when you nearly wet your pants in excitement as two members from B*Witched take the stage, shortly to be followed by a Bradley S Club DJ set. Trust me on this.
5. Don’t listen to older students who are like this.
Why? They’re talking shit. Most of them worked in their first year and went to their lectures. They’re just nostalgic for a time that they’ve generalised in their head. Also, being able to boast about how few lectures you go to sounds cool, but we all worked pretty flat out to actually get into university in the first place, so what would be the point?
6. Don’t let that whole “you must find a second year housemate right now” thing take control of your life.
Why? Because in second year you’ll realise that a lot of that drama was bollocks. There will be the initial panic as everyone finds housemates earlier than they should. Then there will be the additional panic caused by estate agents telling blatant lies like “we are running out of properties”. And to top it off, there’ll be that fear that if you don’t live with your “bestfriends4life” you’ll be missing out on something special.
Seriously, by third year you’ll just stop caring who you live with. You’ll just want someone who doesn’t leave hair down the sink and keeps sex to under 120 decibels.
8. Ignore those “hottest campus look” mag articles.
Why? By week three you’re going to be wearing whatever keeps you warm. By week six you’ll want to wear something that makes you completely blend into the background during the seminar so the tutor doesn’t recognise you and ask about a book you haven’t read yet. By week ten you’ll be in such a state that you literally won’t give a toss what people think of you. You will feel invincible.
9. Don’t take the “how many TV licence death threats can I receive before I ring them?” challenge.
Why? You’ll receive a TV licence letter in your first 15 minutes of arriving at university. If you need a TV licence, pay. If you don’t, don’t then decide to see how long you can put it off before you start getting the letters with the red borders of death, which are then followed by one that says “WE WILL COME ROUND YOUR HOUSE”. You will cry and you will ring up in a panic. You will.
10. Don’t listen to this sort of older student either.
Why? Although you will have a superiority complex over people who aren’t at uni right now, come Christmas you’ll be back in your dull hometown with nothing to do, mega-guilty that you haven’t texted Colin. Don’t be mean to Colin.
11. Don’t stay in a nightclub when you’re not up to it.
Why? When you’re tired, go home. When you want chips, buy chips. When you want to grind up against someone while eating chips, grind up against someone eating chips. Don’t stay there till 3am trying to chase the fun. There is never fun. Never.