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How to be Creepy

...because the world is in dire need of more creepers

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I would like to start off by saying that I'm not creepy all the time, and I only display it to a select few, namely my close friends and family. If we met on the street today, I would guess that you'd think I was a pretty nice and reasonable guy. Also, I am never, nor have I ever been, creepy 24/7. This article was written for one purpose and one purpose only, to help you hone your creepiness skills for your enjoyment and/or the temporary discomfort of others and that these skills be used around people who have known you long enough to get to know the real you.

I am creepy. All of my friends and family know this as fact. I love being creepy, but this begs the question "what is creepy?" Of course, the dictionary definition is "causing an unpleasant feeling of fear or unease." For the purposes of this article, creepy is doing anything that would make the average person question your sanity, mental stability, and/or criminal record, bring about a face of fear, queasiness, or uncertainty, all while contemplating backing away slowly. Remember, you should only be creepy around people who have known you long enough to get to know the real you.

Creepy is taking off your (or better yet someone else's) shoe, inhaling deeply and saying, "I've smelt worse." Creepy is seeing a bowl of thumbtacks and, instead of saying "Where's the bulletin board?" saying "I bet I could make at least 7 different torture devices with these." Creepy is laughing so long and so loud that people start to stare at you in worry. Creepy is waiting for your friends in a dark room and not saying or doing anything until after they notice you. Creepy is getting into a heated argument with yourself over which would be your pet in the new world order, a Siberian tiger or a great white shark. Creepy is that awesome feeling you get when you get a big response from doing very little.

Like so many things in this world, there is not one, nice, clean, cookie-cutter creeper. There are many different types of creepers out there, sometimes overlapping in qualities. For this article, I'll outline the three main types of creepers: shameless, quiet, and psychopath/mentally unstable. Usually, these three types are not mutually exclusive, so your average creeper will be some combination of these three.


This creeper has no fear and no shame when it comes to doing things that others might find disgusting. He doesn't even wait for someone to say "I'll give you $20 to eat that fried liver." He just goes ahead and eats it. The only invitation he needs is that no one else would. Spilled ketchup on the table? Shameless will lick it off. Someone sneezed on the plate of cookies? Shameless will still eat them. You say your armpits smell like dead rats? *sniff* All Shameless smells is a spring day. That thing in the field that no one's sure what it is because the smell and swarm of flies is so off-putting? Shameless will investigate for you. Shameless has an iron-clad immune system, a rock solid gag reflex, and is willing to eat anything. And I mean ANYTHING. Haggis? Yum. Boar's head? Does it still have the brains? They really add to the flavor. Cow fries? Ooh, those are good! There is nothing too disgusting for Shameless to handle.


Quiet is the one sitting in the dark corner, not talking to anybody. Quiet is the one sauntering about with a stone faced expression. The most perplexing thing about Quiet is you can never tell for sure what's on his mind. Quiet never makes any sudden moves or raises his voice. He seldom speaks, both orally and through body language. Quiet knows the value of silence. What you're cooking just exploded in the oven. Quiet doesn't flinch and may not even look up. The person sitting next to Quiet screams and jumps up because there's a spider on Quiet's pants. Quiet nonchalantly brushes it onto the floor. After all, if no one knows what you are thinking, the dramatic tension will only continue to build.

Psychopath/Mentally Unstable

This creeper is probably the most unpredictable of them all. You walk into the hall and he's just standing there sharpening a set of kitchen knives while sporting a devilish grin. Now he's reading the dictionary, (for fun, mind you) and picking up where he left off last time at "quagmire". He has your place in his new world order all figured out. (It's not looking well, FYI.) Sometimes it seems that his whole purpose for existing is to make you say to yourself, "Are we sure he hasn't been to prison? He just described in very graphic detail how he would kill me if he needed to. Are we sure he is sane? He just ate half a jar of mayonnaise with his hands. Are we sure his meds haven't changed? He's arguing with a wall, and it sounds like he's losing." He'll stare at you for hours at a time, all the while having the scariest, most cartoon-like grin on his face. I'm telling you, it's the stuff nightmares are made of.

Now, not just anyone can be a creeper. There are certain things that some people either can't physically do or refuse to do, like (as made obvious by the title of "creeper") the urge to make people feel scared and awkward. There are four major signs of a good creeper according to my definition: maintain self-control, be aware, use moderation, and use good judgment. While none of these are required to be creepy, each attribute you have greatly increases your creepiness factor.

Maintain Self-Control

This is a must have quality for anyone aspiring to be a Shameless. You should have a relatively strong stomach. You should be able to sit through a gore-filled movie without looking away or flinching. You should also be able to remain fairly level headed. Stay calm, cool, and collected. If someone comes up to you and started yelling "I will kill all your pets, burn your house to the ground, then dance in the ashes!", that's more scary than creepy. It would be a lot creepier if someone came up to you and said that in a calm, peaceful, and almost friendly tone. Both physically and emotionally, you should be able to control yourself.

Be Aware

You need to be in tune with your surroundings. This is crucial for Quiet. You have to be focused on everything. You should have an idea of where everybody is and what they are doing. It's a lot harder for someone to scare you or catch you by surprise if you know where they are. The house has animals? Know where they are. Someone's making something in the kitchen? Know what they're making. You should also gather as much of this information as possible without asking questions. Asking too many questions about where your friends are and what they're doing is bound to raise suspicion.

Use Moderation

One of the hallmarks of creepy is getting a big reaction out of someone with very little effort. You should know where that threshold is for yourself. Just like in a relationship, it's the little things that matter. The exact same reaction can be achieved by either coming up behind someone and screaming bloody murder or silently standing 2 inches from the bathroom door, waiting for them to come out. One is scary and takes more effort. The other is also scary but just as creepy because minimal effort went into the task.

Use Good Judgment

This is maybe the most important aspect of being a successful creeper. As I said earlier, I am not creepy 24/7 and only do it around my friends. If you creep a stranger, be prepared to be called a stalker. If you are creepy 24/7, you will likely end up with no friends and your family might disown you. The world will essentially put a bubble around you, and chances are you'll get arrested at least once.

So, now that I've armed you with all the necessary tools for becoming an outstanding creeper, what do you plan to do? Will you show off your newfound powers to all your friends, even though (or possibly because) you know full well that none of them want to see it? Will you see how many restaurants you can get kicked out of because you insist on eating with your feet? Will you test how much your family really loves you? Your Significant Other said they'd stay by your side forever. Did they really mean that? Will you try to set a world record for most restraining orders filed against you? The possibilities are only bound by the limitations of your creepy imagination. So go on creepers, get out there and creep.

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