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We Had People Write Backstories For 12 Weird Stock Photos

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Posted on

Stories Provided By:

Ari Voukydis, Chris Dignes, Kristin Rossi, Julie Rosing, Ben Cahn, Johanna Sarriot, Casey Cline, and Ben Rosen.

1.

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ARI: Jeremy and Rick took stock of their situation. True, they were shipwrecked on an island without food or fresh water. And Rick had, in a fit of anger, thrown the satellite phone into the sea. But at least they didn’t have to go to Pam’s ideation meetings anymore. At least they had that.

BEN R: It takes the mothers approximately six brutal months of nesting before their young interns hatch from their metallic shells.

JOHANNA: When they were seven years old, they swore they’d be Briefcase Buddies for life. Now, 20 years later, it wasn’t so fun anymore...

2.

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CHRIS: You see, son, when a dog loves a carpet...

KRISTIN: Every once in a while he’ll come to the village from the woods — presumably from somewhere fabulous. He doesn’t answer any questions.

ARI: Despite her nearly limitless wealth and influence, Bethany counted the minutes until she could sneak away to the junkyard and rendezvous with Hambone, her secret feral paramour.

3.

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KRISTIN: His name is Greg, and he doesn’t even bang those things together. He just stands there and makes the trees anxious. “Bang them!!” They’ll say. But he never does. Greg is a jerk.

JOHANNA: “Wake up, trees! I made breakfast!”

BEN C: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I chose just to stand here and bang these cymbals together because I am a virgin.

4.

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BEN R: “Sure, we can push the meeting to Monday… I’m very flexible.” [giggles silently]

KRISTIN: Dearest Mother! I am having an extreme day! Please send extreme money! It had better be extreme! Your loving son! MAXTREME!!!!

CASEY: “Parkour? I don’t even know her!” (to himself) “YES, GREG! HILARIOUS.”

5.

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CHRIS: Well, this is just me on a good date with my special ladyfriend. I asked you not to publish this.

JULIE: That cow has been kidnapped and is being forced to watch this man eat his best friend.

JOHANNA: ♪ Eating your familyyyyy, I’m eating your familyyyy ♪

6.

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CHRIS: “So then I said to him, ‘No, you can bank on it!’” “Ha ha ha, that is an airplane pun! You are good at jokes, sir.” “You are right!"

BEN C: Pilot 1: “I love coin-operated planes” Pilot 2: “I love being a pilot.” Pilot 1: “Did you know you can pee in the suit?” Pilot 2: “Bud, it’s how I stay warm on the mechanical plane.” Pilot 1: “OK, cool, just making sure.” Pilot 2: “Crap, I forgot to bring quarters.” Pilot 1: “Crap.”

CASEY: “No, you’re Goose. I’m Maverick.”

7.

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ARI: Sasquatch sighed and cast his eyes down. He knew what was coming. He had ransacked another break room, which meant yet one more uncomfortable meeting with Inhuman Resources.

CHRIS: And that’s when it hit Abner like a runaway bullet train on greased rails — he’d forgotten to wear socks again.

CASEY: He’s in a waiting room that smells sterile and yet somehow also of mildew. “Downtown” is playing softly at first, then louder and louder, and try as he might, he cannot locate the speakers. His wife has just left him...possibly for good. And he is alone in every sense of the word.

8.

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BEN R: The family Halloween costumes really lost their luster after Derrick's mother was let go from her job.

ARI: “Really? You’re not gonna put down the camera and, I dunno, HELP her?”

CASEY: “Hail Satan,” said the baby, as it gently lowered the pot on its Earth mother’s head.

9.

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CHRIS: After breezing through college, we figured Bill couldn’t get through the business world by continuing to “study through osmosis” — but we were so wrong.

ARI: Planthony did his best to fit in, but as the greenest of the new hires, he always felt somehow…different.

JOHANNA: "You know what’s weird about Hank? He always says a prayer before opening the filing cabinet." "Yeah, that’s what’s weird about Hank."

10.

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BEN C: Where did you guys find this photo of me? This was from my trip to Fiji. Yeah, I’ve done some traveling...

JULIE: Damian fell off the company boat during a meeting and realized he looked damn good in wet clothing and became a male model, never to do another's taxes ever again.

BEN R: He's just swimming in the tears of his haters.

11.

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BEN R: "Stop laughing, in the name of the law!"

BEN C: As they chased down the tiny perp, they made siren sounds with their cute little police mouths. “Wee-woo, wee-woo!” Classic. Classic police.

CASEY: This was the inspiration for the Kidz Bop rap album. "Beep-boop! That's the sound of da police!"

12.

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CHRIS: “Dang, you’re hung like a horse, ha ha ha! I’m sorry.” “You shouldn’t bee here.”

ARI: I don’t think those pills are even working— oh wait THERE it is.

BEN C: Bull: “Don’t you love peeing?” Bee: “Yeah.” Bull: “I love being a community college volleyball mascot more though.” Bee: “Agreed. Anyway, we’ve been in here for 45 minutes, we should probably stop peeing and go back out to the game.” Bull: “OK.”

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