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27 Ways To Celebrate International Men's Day

You don't even need to be a man!

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1. Read some literature by famous men, like Mark Twain, or Mordecai Richler, or Tucker Max.

3. Eat a bunch of beef jerky because you're a MAN and you like your meat TOUGH and OVERSALTED and DISGUSTING.


4. Chop wood. Realize you don't have a fireplace. Use the wood to build yourself a son. Name him Jedidiah and channel all your hopes and dreams into him.

7. Visit the playground of an all-girls elementary school and start handing out the $0.25 (or so) they won't make compared to a man's dollar. Laugh uproariously. Collect their tears to make you stronger.


8. Take up as many seats on the subway as possible. Spread your legs as far as you can. Buy a bunch of fake legs and put them on every seat.

10. Buy a bunch of stupid fucking hats and then get really mad when people don't like your hats.


13. Argue that men are superior at math and then struggle with a 20% tip on a $14 meal.

14. Squeeze a mustache out in a single day by tensing all your facial muscles. Do not poop.


17. Tell your firewood-based son how you seduced your wife. "Much like a cat, son, you must wait patiently for a woman. Do not approach her. If she wants to be pet, she will stand on your chest and start batting you in the face. You'll just know."

18. You and your wife, thinking about how you first met, smile warmly at each other. Slowly, her face falls and she walks to the bar to pour herself a drink. Listen to her sigh heavily. You reach out for her hand, but she walks away before you can touch her.

19. Play catch with your son. Throw the ball right at his face. When he falls over in pain, remind him that this is what it is like when a woman breaks your heart.


20. "Never fall in love, son," you say as you turn and look ruefully at your wife, standing by the kitchen window. She scowls back and closes the curtains.

22. Weep into your hands as your wife asks you for a divorce. Beg her to stay. Beg her to not take your son.

23. "Not Jedidiah," you say. "He's only a boy! A boy made of wood!"


25. Gather all your gold into a box and bury it under the Statue of Liberty. Leave detailed instructions for your son to find the gold on his 21st birthday.

26. When he makes it to the end of his journey and finds the box you stashed, there's nothing inside. He looks up at the sky, knowingly, thinking of you. The gold was inside of him all along.