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    Posted on Dec. 30, 2015

    13 Resolutions For 2016 That You Can Actually Keep

    I mean, you're going to die anyway, but might as well be less bad before it happens.

    1. Travel more!


    Even if you don't have the time or money for a big trip, there's more than one way to be adventurous. Wear sunglasses indoors and pretend you are on a beach. Go to the dentist in a big hat. Take a different bus to work. Follow a stranger into their van. Let destiny take the wheel.

    2. Eat healthy!

    All you have to do is talk about it constantly, at every waking moment. When your friend tells you her dog died, grab her by the shoulders and say, "I know you're having a hard time right now but did I mention that I'm going Paleo. I think your dog would be proud if we ate grass-fed beef in his honour."

    3. Save more money!


    Instead of visiting a laundromat or spending money on expensive detergents, wash your clothes in the toilet.

    4. Quit smoking by replacing your cigarettes!

    Take 12 slips of paper, write your biggest regrets inside, and in the cover of night, fill them with fresh grass from your ex's lawn. Smoke them in quick succession or until the unbearable weight of the world crushes your chest.

    5. Be more patient with your parents!

    We all know it's frustrating to deal with our parents when they can't figure out the DVD player, but these people gave birth to you! Show your gratitude by building a synthetic amniotic sac for your mother to crawl into, where you will care for her for nine months. When she's ready, give birth to her on the floor of an Old Spaghetti Factory, just like you once entered the world.

    6. Keep a cleaner home!


    Pretty simple if you think about it. Make sure everyone you live with isn't home, then, in the kitchen, start a small garbage fire using nothing but old fruit and kerosene. Run outside and watch the fire engulf everything you have ever owned. As your neighbours approach you, maintain a serene composure. "What's going on?" they'll ask.

    "The glory," you'll whisper, never breaking eye contact with the flames, "the glory of a cleansing fire."

    7. Read more!

    Or pretend to read more. When someone asks you if you've read a recent book, get immediately irritated and ask, "Oh, so you're asking me if I can READ now? Did you just assume that I'm ILLITERATE? Is it because I'm a MINORITY?"

    Say it louder if you are white. Let me know what happens. I'm really excited about this one.

    8. Have more sex!

    And have better sex! How about a role-play scenario where he's a hardened police detective and you're a sexy murderer? See who can collect more DNA samples.

    9. Do not be wrongly accused of murder!


    I gotta stop watching Making a Murderer, man, it's fucking me up.

    10. Spend less time online!

    Instead of staring at your computer or your phone, set out into the world. Instead of harassing women online, find a real one and stand behind her throughout the day, softly muttering insults about her appearance and intelligence. Should she confront you, immediately ask her out.

    11. Volunteer more!

    Stand outside of a high school during lunch and scream life lessons at the students inside. Things like, "DON'T TRUST A MAN WHO ACTS LIKE BEING TALL IS A SKILL SET" and "HANDLE YOUR ANUS WITH KINDNESS."

    12. Go on more dates!


    Forget online dating—it's time to bring focus back to the real world. Stand outside paint stores and wait for couples to emerge after fighting over different shades of lilac. When one of them gets close enough to you, wrap yourself around their leg and suck all the moisture out of their skin. This is how you have sex now.

    13. Make more friends!

    Find someone at your office that you've never really gotten to know. Stand in front of their desk and aggressively eat a live turkey. "Why are you doing this?" they'll ask, feathers gently falling on their keyboard. "What do you want from me?"

    Remain silent. Drink the blood. Chew the bones. Break the bird down into nothing, consume everything. Now everyone knows who is the strongest. It is you. You are the strongest.

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