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How Would You Be Sorted At Eaglecrest, The American Wizarding School I Made Up?

Uncomfortable with Ilvermorny, J.K. Rowling's American Hogwarts? Luckily, there's an alternative institution of magical learning in the Land of the Free: EAGLECREST, the American Hogwarts that I invented when I was drunk in 2014. Located inside Mount Rushmore and led by Headbroster Joe Biden, EAGLECREST may just be the American wizard school for you. Take this quiz to find out which of its four houses you belong in.

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  1. Which American landmark is your favorite?

    The White House
    The White House
    Statue of Liberty
    Statue of Liberty
    Disneyworld
    Disneyworld
    The Grand Canyon
    Via David McNew / Getty
    The Grand Canyon
    Via David McNew / Getty
  2. Which eagle merchandise most appeals to you?

    Cute bikini
    Via polyvore.com
    Cute bikini
    Muscle tank
    Via etsy.com
    Muscle tank
    Via etsy.com
    Terrifying rubber mask
    Via vat19.com
    Terrifying rubber mask
    Via vat19.com
    Organic cotton t-shirt benefitting actual eagle sanctuary
    Via sharon.audubon.org
    Organic cotton t-shirt benefitting actual eagle sanctuary
  3. Which quote by a founding father appeals most to you?

    "He that would make his own liberty secure, must guard even his enemy from oppression." --Paine
    "The Pleasure arising to a few Philosophers...can it be compared with the Ease and Comfort every Man living might feel seven times a Day, by discharging freely the Wind from his Bowels?" --Franklin
    "A little of what you call frippery is very necessary." --Abigail Adams
    "Be courteous to all, but intimate with few." --Washington
  4. Where would you most like to live?

  5. Which hand emoji resonates with you?

    Nail Polish
    Nail Polish
    Raised fist
    Raised fist
    Fist bump
    Fist bump
    Peace sign
    Peace sign
  6. Which song from Hamilton is your favorite?

    "Satisfied"
    "Wait For It"
    "The Room Where It Happens"
    "You'll Be Back"
    I still haven't listened to Hamilton.
    Other, and I'm offended you didn't include it.
    I'm not really a musical person.
    Uh, only ALL OF THEM??
  7. Which superhero do you most identify with?

    Steve Rogers/Captain America
    Steve Rogers/Captain America
    Tony Stark/Iron Man
    Tony Stark/Iron Man
    Clint Barton/Hawkeye
    Clint Barton/Hawkeye
    Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow
    Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow
    Thor
    Thor
    Jessica Jones
    Jessica Jones
    T'Challa/Black Panther
    T'Challa/Black Panther
    Wade Wilson/Deadpool
    Wade Wilson/Deadpool
  8. What was your main objection to JKR's American Hogwarts?

    Embarrassing & offensive issues of cultural appropriation
    Seemed fine, didn't care
    Just a general lack of America-specific creativity & pizzaz
    I don't like anything nerds like
  9. Which Plastic is most like you?

    Karen
    Karen
    Regina
    Regina
    Gretchen
    Gretchen
    Cady
    Cady
  10. Which face emoji are you most likely to use?

    Kissy face
    Kissy face
    Unimpressed face
    Unimpressed face
    Winky tongue face
    Winky tongue face
    Sleepy face
    Sleepy face
  11. Which magical creature most appeals to you?

    Anything that grants wishes
    Dragons
    Werewolves
    Unicorns
  12. Choose a cat, please.

  13. Choose a Beyoncé, please.

  14. Choose a Joey B., please.

    Window Joe
    Via Pool / Getty Images
    Window Joe
    Via Pool / Getty Images
    Sexy Joe
    Sexy Joe
    Snackin' Joe
    Via SAUL LOEB / Getty Images
    Snackin' Joe
    Via SAUL LOEB / Getty Images
    Smackdown Joe
    Via Alex Wong / Getty
    Smackdown Joe
    Via Alex Wong / Getty

How Would You Be Sorted At Eaglecrest, The American Wizarding School I Made Up?

You got: Bluthyoncé

House princess Mindy Kaling and house ghost Dorothy Parker welcome you to Bluthyoncé, where the zingers are barbed, the eyeliner is winged, and the crafts closet is stuffed with glitter pens. Famous alumni include Mae West, Benjamin Franklin, Ella Fitzgerald, Cher, and The Rock.

Bluthyoncé
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You got: Justitopia

House democratic coordinator Zombie Eugene V. Debs and house ghost Ida B. Wells welcome you to the People's Republic of Justitopia, where no injustice goes unaddressed and no authority unquestioned. Justitopia's numerous distinguished alumni include Larry Wilmore, Sacagawea, Sherman Alexie, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, LeVar Burton, and Mark Twain.

Justitopia
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You got: Shrugstagram

Snoop Dogg — technically still head of house because no one has felt like electing a new one since he "retired" in 2012 — and house ghost Walt Whitman welcome you to Shrugstagram, Eaglecrest's premiere producer of memes. Chill is valued above all things and every surface is guaranteed nappable. Famous alumni include Rihanna, Carl Sagan, Ilana Wexler, Harrison Ford, and Lil B.

Shrugstagram
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You got: Laxdisick

Head of House Martha Stewart and house ghost Zack Morris welcome you to Laxdisick, where ambition and beer pong are both compulsory. Everyone has one indoor and one outdoor pair of boat shoes, because we're bros but we're not barbarians. Many successful EAGLECREST alumni call Laxdisick home, including Taylor Swift, Teddy Roosevelt, and — though you might not expect it — Beyoncé.

Laxdisick
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