We hope you love our recommendations! Some may have been sent as samples, but all were independently selected by our editors. Just FYI, BuzzFeed and its publishing partners may collect a share of sales and/or other compensation from the links on this page.
1. A card that lets bae know they're #1.
2. A pair of diamonds you can actually afford.
3. Or if slightly explicit mugs are more your cuppa tea.
4. Pillowcases that are only half joking when it comes to setting boundaries.
5. A cookbook that's way less boring than your typical dinner-and-a-movie date.
6. A gold skull ring for everyone who's totally had it with overly corny jewelry.
7. Dick-shaped lipsticks that are extremely fun to play with.
8. A gut-busting, fast-paced game that discourages endearing, thought-out messages.
9. A teddy bear who isn't quite as cheesy as his fuzzy heart-toting counterparts.
10. A genius skillet with divided compartments for picky-eater couples.
11. A classy duvet cover that cuts right to the chase.
12. An ominous notebook that doesn't really care for Netflix.
13. Deodorant sticks for people who aren't afraid to give their partners a lil' hint.
14. A "Tainted Love" gift box stuffed with disease microbes that depict romance gone wrong.
It comes with five mini microbes: Herpes, Chlamydia, The Clap, HPV, and Syphilis! Delightful!
Get it from Amazon for $19.95.
You can also get a heart-shaped box version from Amazon or bouquet version from ThinkGeek.
15. A punny card that totally doesn't insinuate that they suck the life out of you.
16. An Echo Dot that can play music, dim lights, and order toilet paper with your voice's command.
17. A poster that could be renamed, "faces bae has to deal with every day."
18. An assortment of scrumptious, organic snacks, because a healthy heart > chocolate hearts, amirite.
19. Hunky underwear featuring everyone's favorite historical bae, Henry VIII.
20. Audio-sharing headphones that force your S.O. to listen to your music.
And keeps their earwax to themselves.
Get them from Amazon for $199.99 each.
21. A comforting-ish card that lets your partner know you wouldn't let them perish in the ocean.
22. A miniature boyfriend or girlfriend doll, so they can take you wherever they go.
23. A trash can, because this holiday is trash and so are feelings.
Here's to saying "I love you" in your own (less mushy and far superior) way.
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