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1. A finger-licking candy subscription box packed with three tubs of yummy candies (recommended to you, or you can build you own) and requisite candy splash.
2. A SinglesSwag box because you never need a reason to show yourself some #selflove in the form of accessories, organic bath and beauty products, delicious artisan-crafted foods, top-selling books, etc. — ok, GIMME NOW.
3. A carry-on champagne cocktail kit with one unforgettable star ingredient: Sugarfina champagne-infused gummy bears! Tell the flight attendants it's about time for them to upgrade you from economy to business because, well, look at this classy set.
4. A sparkle-infused set of shimmer and coconut coffee scrubs so you can buff your skin all the way to #1 at a disco party dance contest.
5. Fuzzy, cozy fleece bear slippers that basically coined the term "cute aggression" — icons, amirite?
6. An easy-to-follow baking kit for mouthwatering donuts that are prettier and more out-of-this-world than you and I could ever hope to be!!
7. Handmade unicorn poop soap made from only the finest natural ingredients, like avocado oil, coconut oil, and glitter farts — and no, you won't smell like shit, so stop being a pooper.
8. A day-brightening Bob Ross bobblehead and mini easel book filled with his life-bettering landscape paintings that will make you say, "There's nothing wrong with having a tree as a friend."
9. A galactic-romance-inspiring eyeshadow palette for fiery eyes that say, "come over to my atmosphere."
10. A shiny pineapple bottle opener that will make you ~pine~ for the best beers and ciders in all the land.
11. A days of the week scrunchie set to start off 2018 in the best way possible, by taking it a few decades back.
12. Squishy, cuddle-ready unicorn Pusheen handwarmers to warm up your chilly paws for up to four blissful hours.
13. Or an energy-smart pint-sized ceramic heater (only uses 200 watts) if you need some short-range warmth, stat.
14. A fast-acting wine-aerating pourer that increases the value of your cheap reds and gives 'em a richer, full-bodied taste — high(ish) standards, or bust!
15. A case of mini lipstick bullets for selfie-ready, properly hydrated lips in a variety of totally-wearable colors.
16. A tall and sleeender bubble bowl wine glass perfect for cradling, airing a nice red, reflecting, and probably some scheming — Olivia Pope aficionados, where you at?
17. Adventurous illustrated dice so indecisive people or anyone who wishes they could be a little more ~spontaneous~ can have their fates (or just plans for the day) decided for them!
18. Glittery liquid eyeliner that doesn't cost a pretty penny and elevates your look from average mortal to intergalactic queen.
19. A wash-off coloring pillowcase for a relaxing before-bed activity that doesn't involve staring at a screen for hours (because your poor eyes deserve better!).
20. A chic buckled backpack with enough room for alll the essentials (fits up to 15" laptops) and padded straps so your shoulders don't suffer from the grave weight of academia.
21. A darling front-tied crop top that — if way more casual dressing customs had existed — Juliet would've totally worn to prove her point.
22. A scrumptious customizable cookbook brought to you by the geniuses behind all those viral Tasty videos your friends always tag you in (and for damn good reason).
23. A travel-friendly minis kit of nourishing amino acid shampoo (with coconut oil!) and conditioner (with wheat proteins!) and a bestselling face wash (hello avocado oil!) that keeps your hair and skin looking darn smooth and clean.
24. Tastebud-delighting snack boxes delivered to your doorstep for cozy days in without the guilt —12 to 15 snacks with only the ~good stuff~.
25. A colorful graph of interconnected literary insults to guide you in your quest to burn thy bridges and not give thy fucks.
26. Compliment-dishing notebooks and pencils that won't let you put yourself down, like ever. Seriously, don't do it.
27. Stylish personalized keychains to remind yourself what your name is — lol, only half kidding, but you have to tote around your keys anyways, so might as well make a statement.
28. And a velvet flowy-sleeved dress to class up your champagne-heavy NYE celebrations (or not-so-classy celebrations — do you).
You to your bank statement:
The reviews used in this post have been edited for length and clarity.