Here's David Duchovny's Genius Commercial For Russian Beer

"Ground control to Major Ivan."

American David Duchovny recently starred in the most Russian thing ever.

Youtube / Via youtube.com

In this commercial for Russian beer, David Duchovny imagines what things would be like if he were Russian instead of Ukrainian. The ad was released on YouTube July 25 and already has 2.5 million views. They can't play it on TV because of Russian laws against alcohol advertisements.

According to the super nationalist commercial, David Duchovny imagines what it'd be like to be Russian David Duchovny.

Apparently, being Russian David Duchovny means being a super legit astronaut.

During the ad, Duchovny goes down a rabbit hole in his mind of things he would do if he were Russian and how his life would have ended up. Duchovny is Ukrainian, but, he says, "There is another country. Where I got my family name from. And sometimes I wonder, what if things turned out differently? What if I were Russian?"

Russian David Duchovny is a Soviet Terry Richardson, somehow left in charge of a bunch of ballerinas.

"Would I still be among the stars?" he inquires, fondling some ballerinas. In other words, would Russian David Duchovny be as rich and famous in a country where socialism reigned for almost a century?

Russian David Duchovny might not have been rich and famous, but he definitely would have read for the part of Peter the Great in a handcrafted turtleneck.

"David Duchovny, a film and stage actor," he says in broken Russian. "40 years old." In Beer Commercial Russia, turning 40 is a giant indicator of success, considering a quarter of Russian men don't live past 55.

And Russian David Duchovny understands that you aren't a real Russkii if you haven't gotten the wind knocked out of you by hockey.

So he flashes some missing teeth. Swoon.

Russian David Duchovny is not the only one to understand this. Putin also does.

championat.com / Via championat.com

championat.com / Via thescore.com

championat.com / Via thescore.com

Russian David Duchovny is apparently also in a post-punk Soviet rock group from the 80's.

"I found out that being Russian, I'd have many things to be proud of," he concludes.

Like releasing a pro-Russian commercial right after Putin avoided blame for the downing of Malaysia Airlines Flight 17 by a Russian missile in war-torn Eastern Ukraine, killing all 298 people on board.

Russian David Duchovny is kinda ignorant to world events.

"You are all my kin," he says to Russians. Totally cool, except Obama just slammed Russia with the harshest sanctions yet.

And accused Putin of violating a 1987 arms treaty.

This is serious stuff, David.

American David Duchovny is even less informed, doesn't really understand the premise of the war going on in Eastern Ukraine.

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The difference between being a Ukrainian and a Russian is like, the reason for the war, Dave.

Here's the thing, Dave: Pro-Russian rebels in the east and south of Ukraine are fighting for Ukraine to become more like Russia. The military in Ukraine is fighting to keep the pro-Russians from oppressing the interests of proud Ukrainians.

People said Russian David Duchovny was "badly timed" and "distasteful."

khorpushtak.tumblr.com / Via khorpushtak.tumblr.com

But he fought back with a statement to TMZ that the commercial was not, in any way, a political statement. "Being proud of one's ancestors is not a political statement on any current government or public policies," he said.

It's ok, Russian David Duchovny is still hilarious.

And he got paid 1 million dollars for the ad.

Russian and American David Duchovnies will stay strongly admired, even through international turmoil.

pedrilalala.tumblr.com / Via pedrilalala.tumblr.com