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20 Ways To Live Forever, According To The News

Better start working on those handshakes.

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You don't have to wade into the fountain of youth to live forever. You just have to read the news. Take their advice, and you'll be adding years onto your life in no time.


1. Start simple and use a firmer grasp. (+2 years)

2. But don't shake too firm. Like, fidget a bit. (+1 year)

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3. Use your weird firm-fidgety handshake to meet your life partner and get married. (+3 years)

4. Live a happy life with your partner :) (+5 years)

5. But not too happy, you know? (+2 years)

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6. Definitely have a lot of sex. (+2 years)

7. Wait, don't have sex. Yeah. Don't have sex. (+2 years)

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8. Actually, just cut your dick off. (+10 years)

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9. Oh shit, but before you do that, have a baby? But not too young. (+3 years)

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10. Or, you could just forget that and go to church. (+2 years)

11. Just make sure it's a liberal church? (+2 years)

12. Well, religious or not, you can always fast. (+1 year)

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13. But don't fast too much. You don't want to be skinny. (+3 years)

14. So go ahead, eat some cheese! (+1 year)

15. Yum! Just make sure you don't eat meat-- (+1 year)

16. Unless you pair it with cake and butter? (+2 years)

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17. Oh! This is easy! Pick yourself up a nice cup of coffee. (+3 years)

18. And immediately throw it in the trash. (+2 years)

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19. And while you are buying all of these foods, remember to be frugal: if you stay rich, you live longer. (+5 years)

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20. You know what, screw it. Let's all go to the sauna.

21. Great! If you followed those 20 tips, you just added 150 years onto your life! ENJOY!


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