Hello, my name is Sarah. I want to become a Hot Girl.
My sister's drivers license and my own, for comparison.
Now, you may be wondering WTF I mean by "Hot Girl."
Great question. At first glance, the term Hot Girl might make you think of a female person between the ages of 6 and 12 whose temperature is above the norm — possibly because she is sick with a fever. That girl, though hot, is actually not a Hot Girl.
According to Urban Dictionary, this is a Hot Girl:
Here I stand next to Rachel Donohue, better known as the Fitness Duchess. She’s a model and a pharmaceutical sales rep, and she runs her own fitness company on the side.
Walk into every room with good posture, confidence and a smile.
Putting books on your head serves a dual purpose: It helps you stand up straight and is also the fastest way to get the book’s information into your head.
Use natural light when taking selfies, and don't be afraid to take a million before you find the right one.
If you put extra effort into your hair one day, you can ride that out for three more days.
Sarah also emphasized that you shouldn't overdo your hair with product.
For me, she only used these three products. And not much of it. I'm constantly guilty of overdoing it: I use so much mousse that my hair becomes crunchy, or so much gel that it looks like my hair is perpetually wet.
She achieved my waves by following a simple formula. First, curl your face-framing hair away from your face. Curl hair that hangs over your ear toward the face, and then alternate with the rest. After you're done, pull out the curls and spray. That's it.
After my hair was complete, I headed to the MAC Makeup Studio to complete my disguise.
Shit. She was onto me.
Darken your eyelids and highlight under your brows and the inner corners of your eyes.
She also used contour to bring out my ears.
Put matte lipstick over well-lined lips for long-lasting coverage.
If you are a Hot Girl, you probably know all about matte lipstick. But I did not. I thought God had proclaimed “All lipstick shall live for one hour, and shall henceforth be taketh away on every glass from which thou sippeth, amen.” But God knew not about matte lipstick. It lasts all day. You can EAT with it. My lipstick did not start to depart until 12 hours after it was put on, and only then because I drank some hot chicken noodle soup. There is a downside to matte lipstick, however: It makes your lips feel parched. Not look parched, feel parched. My lips looked perfect the whole time, though, so the weird feeling was worth it.
The mascara wand should go across, on top, and under lashes — or just fuck it all and put fake eyelashes on.
I started my mission at Topshop, asking an attendant there how to look hot.
He told me to “stick to the white hangers," a directive that initially seemed mysterious. Quickly I realized that was just where all the expensive stuff was. There was loads of leather. And as I already knew from MAC, leather is hot.
K.I.S.S. all your outfits. (Keep it simple, stupid.)
Hot Girl pro tip: Bring attention to your vagina by subtly touching it.
With my costumes complete, I set out to experience the world as a Hot Girl.
Travel often to exotic locales.
So I improvised.
Working out is also a key part of being a Hot Girl. I infiltrated the quintessential Hot Girl workout class, SoulCycle, to learn what I could from my surroundings. Find. Your. Soul.
Eat healthy and drink lots of water.
Although, now that I’m thinking about it, that might have been because I ate an entire Bloomin’ Onion prior to the main course.
My next Hot Girl test was to go out on the town and see what people would do for me.
I was convinced that confident, hot girls could get anything for free, and I wanted to test this theory.
First, I walked up and down the street dropping my scarf just to see if anybody would pick it up for me. Eventually, a nice man did, but he did not try to get my digits -- not even my social security. :(
As I wandered through Sephora, I noticed several Hot Girls carrying dogs in bags.
“You can do that?” I inquired of one. “Yeah, it’s no big deal,” she said. I should have known. Paris Hilton and Kylie Jenner are Hot GIrls known for taking their dogs places, so I decided it was something I should try. I put my dog in a bag and walked into a few stores. It felt wrong even though I knew there wasn’t an explicit rule against doing so. I eventually had to stop because my dog is not really bag-size. After taking her out of the bag, she ignored me for several hours.
Later I went out and got fake nails, because I know from Kylie Jenner’s Snapchat that Hot Girls have long nails.
Finally, I went out to several bars. Rachel had already prepped me for this, so I knew what I had to do. Make eye contact.
What my eye contact and smile probably looked like to other people:
At the end of my long weekend of undercover Hot Girl-ing, I was exhausted.
What It Is to Be a Hot Girl
Being a Hot Girl is hard work — at least up front. The transformation process from duckling to swan is particularly draining. But after you invest the time and energy into the hair, clothes, and makeup, repeating the setup process gets easier. But that’s only half the work. The rest of the Hot Girl process is about confidence. For people like me, who consider self-deprecation the status quo, exuding confidence and positivity is particularly difficult. When I finally let go and allowed myself some Hot Girl funitude, I often took it too far. For instance, I tried to sneak into work over an hour late, so perhaps my Hot Girl mentality tipped over into cockiness. It can be a fine line.