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I Cleaned My Ass With A Bidet And This Is What Happened

Not that I needed to, because girls don't poop or anything.

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Perhaps you've heard of the bidet, a sink-type fixture (or sometimes just a feature of an otherwise normal toilet) that is used to wash the genitals and/or anus.


Does the idea of spraying your private parts with water freak you out? Maybe you've heard of bidets, but deemed them too European for your tastes?

Fear not for I, your brave leader, shall go forth into the land of water and asses. Follow me, my children.

I know what you're thinking: girls do not poop.

So how can A GIRL review a bidet? Simple. Girls can use bidets to 'clean lipstick off of their faces.'


Now that that's out of the way, let me be clear: I fucking love lipstick. I put lipstick on up to three times a day.

If that sounds excessive to you, don't worry. Doctors say it is normal to put lipstick on anywhere from three times a day to three times a week. Any less than three times a week, though, and you may be constipated, and you should talk to your doctor.

Honestly, the feeling I get from putting on a great lipstick is second only to orgasming. But as any lipstick lover knows, no matter how great it may feel to wear that lipstick, it can be a pain in the ass to get off.

So, when I was recently offered the chance to try out a bidet attachment, I thought, this could be the answer to all my lipstick removal problems.

Bidet attachments range from $18-$80 online, but the one I tested was the Tushy Cool Bidet, available for $57.

If you Google search "Tushy bidet," you may find some results you weren't (but should have been) anticipating. I used the Tushy brand bidet; I did NOT watch Tushy anal porn in HD.

At least not for this article.

Tushy claims that the bidet will be "easier to install than it is to poop," but this is definitely not true as I have never needed to employ the services of a handyman to help me poop.

There are not many steps, but you have to be good at unscrewing things as well as comfortable fiddling around your toilet, and I am neither of those things. But when I had trouble installing my attachment, I chatted with the people at Tushy, who were extremely helpful, and after a day of online consultation, the Tushy was installed.


Removing Lipstick With Toilet Paper:

Here I am wearing a lipstick called Kylie Jenner’s True Brown, or as I call it, Après-Chipotle.

As you can see, I’ve wiped, and yet, I’ve really only just smudged the brown lipstick around. It will take several more wipes to remove all of the lipstick, and even after that, I have to look in the mirror to be sure it's really gone. Honestly, sometimes it's like you're not even wiping your lips, you're just wiping your lipstick around into a bigger area than it covered before.

Removing Lipstick With A Bidet:

Here is lipstick removal using the bidet. The power of water, people. Use a five-second splash and wiggle if you have to. Your lipstick will be very gone.

This makes sense. You clean your dirty, dirty body in a shower. So it does make sense that you'd want to clean your dirty mouth (etc.) with water, right? All a bidet is is a steady stream of water. According to my trustworthy source, bidets predate modern toilets, and in Italy, 97% of households have them.

To be clear, the bidet did not have a 100% success rate at removing all lipstick in one shot. I used several sprays. But even in those instances, the water certainly felt nicer on my lips than the often-scratchy toilet paper. However, the bidet left my lips very wet, so I patted them dry with toilet paper. There is no true escape from toilet paper, for any of us.

The first time I used the bidet I made a few mistakes that you should definitely avoid.

1. Do NOT immediately turn the bidet on full blast. You will not be ready. That is varsity bidet use, and you must work your way up to it.

2. Close your legs. Trust me on this. If your legs aren't closed, the water will find that open space, shoot through it, and splash the opposite wall. I'm a feminist, but still, my advice to you is: close your legs. Sorry.

3. You might have to wiggle. Especially your first time. The water will probably hit the correct general area, but it might not be a blowing-up-the-Death-Star-type shot on your first try.

BOTTOM line: Is the bidet a bi-DO or a bi-DON'T?

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Yes, you sASSy bitch, it's a bi-DO. Sure, I would love to try one with warm water, but I also know that would require more installation prowess than I currently possess. So I'll wait.

I will say, however, that if you are an infrequent wearer of lipstick, it might not be worth it. You probably don't use much toilet paper anyway. But, if you have sensitive skin, hemorrhoids, or a child, you could definitely benefit from a bidet. Also, if you enjoy the feeling of water being sprayed up your butthole, you should get one.

Oh fuck, I said butthole.

*sound of the illusion shattering into a million pieces*

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