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    I Cleaned My Ass With A Bidet And This Is What Happened

    Not that I needed to, because girls don't poop or anything.

    Perhaps you've heard of the bidet, a sink-type fixture (or sometimes just a feature of an otherwise normal toilet) that is used to wash the genitals and/or anus.

    I know what you're thinking: girls do not poop.

    So how can A GIRL review a bidet? Simple. Girls can use bidets to 'clean lipstick off of their faces.'

    ('Putting on/taking off lipstick' here is a euphemism for pooping. Please consult the below chart for reference.)

    Now that that's out of the way, let me be clear: I fucking love lipstick. I put lipstick on up to three times a day.

    If that sounds excessive to you, don't worry. Doctors say it is normal to put lipstick on anywhere from three times a day to three times a week. Any less than three times a week, though, and you may be constipated, and you should talk to your doctor.

    Honestly, the feeling I get from putting on a great lipstick is second only to orgasming. But as any lipstick lover knows, no matter how great it may feel to wear that lipstick, it can be a pain in the ass to get off.

    So, when I was recently offered the chance to try out a bidet attachment, I thought, this could be the answer to all my lipstick removal problems.

    Bidet attachments range from $18-$80 online, but the one I tested was the Tushy Cool Bidet, available for $57.

    If you Google search "Tushy bidet," you may find some results you weren't (but should have been) anticipating. I used the Tushy brand bidet; I did NOT watch Tushy anal porn in HD.

    In order to test whether the bidet was truly superior to toilet paper, I compared the results by attempting to remove lipstick* with both.

    (*actual lipstick!!!!)

    Removing Lipstick With Toilet Paper:

    Here I am wearing a lipstick called Kylie Jenner’s True Brown, or as I call it, Après-Chipotle.

    As you can see, I’ve wiped, and yet, I’ve really only just smudged the brown lipstick around. It will take several more wipes to remove all of the lipstick, and even after that, I have to look in the mirror to be sure it's really gone. Honestly, sometimes it's like you're not even wiping your lips, you're just wiping your lipstick around into a bigger area than it covered before.

    Removing Lipstick With A Bidet:

    Here is lipstick removal using the bidet. The power of water, people. Use a five-second splash and wiggle if you have to. Your lipstick will be very gone.

    This makes sense. You clean your dirty, dirty body in a shower. So it does make sense that you'd want to clean your dirty mouth (etc.) with water, right? All a bidet is is a steady stream of water. According to my trustworthy source, bidets predate modern toilets, and in Italy, 97% of households have them.

    To be clear, the bidet did not have a 100% success rate at removing all lipstick in one shot. I used several sprays. But even in those instances, the water certainly felt nicer on my lips than the often-scratchy toilet paper. However, the bidet left my lips very wet, so I patted them dry with toilet paper. There is no true escape from toilet paper, for any of us.

    The first time I used the bidet I made a few mistakes that you should definitely avoid.

    1. Do NOT immediately turn the bidet on full blast. You will not be ready. That is varsity bidet use, and you must work your way up to it.

    2. Close your legs. Trust me on this. If your legs aren't closed, the water will find that open space, shoot through it, and splash the opposite wall. I'm a feminist, but still, my advice to you is: close your legs. Sorry.

    3. You might have to wiggle. Especially your first time. The water will probably hit the correct general area, but it might not be a blowing-up-the-Death-Star-type shot on your first try.

    BOTTOM line: Is the bidet a bi-DO or a bi-DON'T?