Dear President Barack Obama,
Hello. How are you? I'm pretty good. My stomach feels a little shaky after that breakfast burrito, but yeah, mostly good, thanks for asking.
I'm writing to you about a issue of dire importance. As I'm sure you've seen, some Republicans are arguing that you shouldn't nominate a replacement for Justice Scalia. Instead, the GOP hopes that they will win the presidency and get to nominate a hella conservative replacement in 2017. They want it bad, and it looks like the senate GOP might try to railroad your nominees in order to make that happen.
But don't worry, President Obama. I've done my research and I've got a solution.
The new Supreme Court nominee should be Nicolas Cage.
Nicolas Cage is as timeless as the Constitution.
He's also sufficiently Jesus-y.
He'll take on literally any role.
I just mean that if you ask him, he will definitely say yes. I don't think he has ever said no to a job in his life.
He has an undying passion for history.
He's going to kidnap you if you don't nominate him.
So do the right thing, Mr. President.
I'm a huge fan!