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President Obama, Please Do The Right Thing And Make Nicolas Cage The Next Supreme Court Justice

It's time to take his face off (the Supreme Court website).

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Dear President Barack Obama,

Hello. How are you? I'm pretty good. My stomach feels a little shaky after that breakfast burrito, but yeah, mostly good, thanks for asking.

I'm writing to you about a issue of dire importance. As I'm sure you've seen, some Republicans are arguing that you shouldn't nominate a replacement for Justice Scalia. Instead, the GOP hopes that they will win the presidency and get to nominate a hella conservative replacement in 2017. They want it bad, and it looks like the senate GOP might try to railroad your nominees in order to make that happen.

But don't worry, President Obama. I've done my research and I've got a solution.

Article II of the Constitution says that the President should nominate judges to the Supreme Court and the Senate should approve it. That's it. That's all it says about the process. There's no rule about the nominee's age or if they were born a U.S. citizen. The nominee could be a dog for all the Constitution cares. And while that would be very, very cute, this is the third pillar of government. The nominee should be someone (or something) who is willing to defend the Constitution — even to the death.


He has fought time and time again for this nation.

Walt Disney Pictures / Via

Nicolas Cage is a national treasure. He protected the Declaration of Independence from being destroyed by Sean Bean. That's the kind of reverence for old-ass documents that conservatives are going to want to see in the Supreme Court.

He's also sufficiently Jesus-y.

Freestyle Releasing

Cage starred in Left Behind, a religious film that follows the same plot line as HBO's The Leftovers, only a lot less confusing/interesting.

The book the film is based off of, however, was a mega-hit, so clearly Cage knows how to woo religious conservatives. How could Senator Ted Cruz say no to that?


He's going to kidnap you if you don't nominate him.

Walt Disney Pictures

Yes, this might just be a GIF from National Treasure: Book of Secrets, but how do you know for sure it's not a threat? You don't. Best to play it safe and nominate the Cage.

I'm a huge fan!


Sarah Burton


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