1. On getting older:
When I was younger and partied till 5am I would get a hangover. Now, when I party till 5am, I get a cold for a week and a half.
2. On what's really important in life:
Remember bread?
3. On nature:
It's weird how moths aren't out during the day time. You'd think the day time would be their favorite shit ever.
4. On self-love:
Accepting that I wear size 38 jeans is one of the best things that ever happened to me.
5. On showing a softer side:
Who, me? Just crying from a Subaru commercial.
6. On television:
I think I've been watching HGTV for the last 179 hours straight.
7. On free ideas:
"Tush Hashana" would be a great name for a porn.
8. On words that we should never use again:
Pretty sure I'd be totally cool never seeing the word "bae" again.
9. And words that we should actually start using:
New sexual phrase: "Packing The Bowl." When you shove the tip of your penis inside your own butthole.
10. On finding joy in the little things:
Vin Diesel's face makes me laugh.
11. On bittersweet memories:
The first time I heard the song "Hot In Herre" I was on shrooms in a youth hostel in Amsterdam and I remember thinking humanity was doomed.
12. On questions that we have all secretly asked ourselves:
Should l dye my hair that weird purple/grey color that seems so popular?
13. On airport delays:
Instead of "thanks for your patience", airlines should just say "We do what the fuck we want, and unless you grow wings, you're fucked".
14. On existence:
About ten times a day I think "what the fuck is that sound?" and then I realize it's just me breathing loud and weird.
15. On feeling left out:
Kinda bummed I wasn't invited to Taylor Swift's birthday party.
16. On the inner workings of the human mind:
It's weird how often the made up blues song from "Adventures in Babysitting" is stuck in my head.
17. On living your best life:
I gonna smoke weed in the White House ya'll.
18. On nightmares:
I just remembered I had a dream last night where I got told I have diabetes.
19. On expressing your feelings:
I'M DOING GREAT TODAY
20. On stating the obvious:
Cool Runnings holds up like a motherfucker.
21. And finally, on responding to the haters...
honestly why is seth rogen so gross he just looks like an old banana
Like a complete champion:
.@kaitxburton