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The Best Worst Celebrity Poetry

Remember that phase when you wrote awful, sentimental poetry? Some celebs never grew out of it.

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Suzanne Somers' poetry collection features the typical "large photo of the poet" cover.

From the titular poem: "Touch me / In Crowds / When a single look says everything / In solitude / When it's too dark to even look / In absence / When I reach for you through time and miles."

As does Alicia Keys', which is titled "Tears for Water."

The beginning of "Caged Bird":

"Right now I feel like a bird

Caged without a key

Everyone comes to stare at me

So much joy and revelry

They don’t know how I feel inside

Through my smile I cry

They don’t know what they’re doing to me

Keeping me from flying"

Ally Sheedy wrote her 1991 collection while in rehab.

From "On the Road":

"brighter and brighter every day


my insides slosh about like a nauseous ocean

it takes great gulps of air

words from religious books

and Diet Cherry Coke to quiet the sound"

Kate Moss also wrote poetry while kicking a drug habit.

Danny Martindale / Getty Images

It's a limerick: "Please let me tell you in brief / what has always been my belief, /

Though you may have a passion / for beauty and fashion, / What matters / is what's underneath."

When Rosie had a heart attack last year, she wrote a poem called "my heart attack."

Alberto E. Rodriguez / Getty Images

The message is a good one; why she made it a poem isn't clear:

"i did not call 911

50% of women having heart attacks never call 911

200,000 women die of heart attacks

every year in the US

by some miracle i was not one of them

the next day i went to a cardiologist

the dr did an EKG and sent me to the hospital

where a stent was put in

my LAD was 99% blocked

they call this type of heart attack

the Widow maker

i am lucky to be here

know the symptoms ladies

listen to the voice inside

the one we all so easily ignore

CALL 911

save urself


Britney wrote a poem about K-Fed during like all that whatnot.

Kevin Winter / Getty Images

Formally speaking, it's somewhat mystifying:

"The guilt you fed me

Made me weak.

The voodoo you did

I couldn't speak.

You're awakening

The phone is ringing.

Resurrection of my soul

The fear I'm bringing.

What will you say

And what will you do?

She's not the same person that you're used to.

You trick me one, twice, now it's three.

Look who's smiling now

Damn, it's good to be me!"

Jen was so in love with John she wrote a poem called "Lucky in Love."

Jason Merritt

It does a lot of rhyming a word with the same word: "Lucky in love, lucky in love / Didn't forget me when I asked you to leave me / Didn't forget me / Now you're alongside me / You've brought luck to love / I've been hit by a truck in love"

When Pamela Anderson graced the cover of "Playboy" for a record 13th time, the magazine also published a poem she'd written.

It's very unique: "The youth / The wild that rose up from the ashes. / The adults / Living and dead that fought for our rights / Artists / Sweet artists / Hold on / Crazy, the world goes on / And goes ..."

A young Ronald Reagan composed a poem called "Life" in 1928.

Here's how it opens: "I wonder what it's all about, and why / We suffer so, when little things go wrong? / We make our life a struggle, / When life should be a song."

J.J.Redick got super deep in his verses.

Willie J. Allen Jr. / AP

Here's an untitlted gem from July 2004, in full:

"No bandage can cover my scars

It's hard living a life behind invisible bars

Searching for the face of God

I'm only inspired by the poems of Nas

Because the truth has carved my life's patterns

The reality of pain, and the joy of laughter

My hopes and dreams shattered

by the miscalculation of my own situation

It's difficult to keep my nerves patient

Facing the forecast of fears

that none of my peers have ever been faced with

I wanna reach the top floor, but I'm stuck in the basement

With not enough juice to burst through

the chains that have shackled my brain

It seems my dreams have carried me to a separate peace

apart from reality

Society is allowing me to grow into the man I'm destined to become

But how can I move when my entire skeleton is numb?

Numb from the obstacles that I've been given

Suddenly the bars connect to walls

and I find myself contained inside life's prison"

Sports Illustrated has many, many more.

It even includes a poem about filming "Spring Breakers"

"I'm the experienced actor, / I am a teacher. When I acted in Spring Breakers / My character was the teacher / And the young Spring Breakers / Were the students from hell, / The materialistic demons / From today's celebrity age."

He even read from it during his meltdown.

View this video on YouTube

Jewel also opted for a punny title.

Unsurprisingly, it's angsty stuff:

"I’m writing

this letter to tell you

I don’t love you anymore.

I don’t miss you.

I never have.

The truth is,

I tried, but never found

your adoration

anything other than arduous..."

But perhaps no celebpoet is as prolific as Leonard Nimoy.

He often opts for sparseness. Here's a one called "You Fill Me With Your Love"

"You fill me

With your love

You fill me

With your caring

You fill me

With your thoughts

You fill me

With your sharing"