back to top

The Best Worst Celebrity Poetry

Remember that phase when you wrote awful, sentimental poetry? Some celebs never grew out of it.

Posted on

Suzanne Somers' poetry collection features the typical "large photo of the poet" cover.

From the titular poem: "Touch me / In Crowds / When a single look says everything / In solitude / When it's too dark to even look / In absence / When I reach for you through time and miles."
icedteaandsarcasm.com

From the titular poem: "Touch me / In Crowds / When a single look says everything / In solitude / When it's too dark to even look / In absence / When I reach for you through time and miles."

As does Alicia Keys', which is titled "Tears for Water."

The beginning of "Caged Bird": "Right now I feel like a birdCaged without a keyEveryone comes to stare at meSo much joy and revelryThey don’t know how I feel insideThrough my smile I cryThey don’t know what they’re doing to meKeeping me from flying"
google.com

The beginning of "Caged Bird":

"Right now I feel like a bird

Caged without a key

Everyone comes to stare at me

So much joy and revelry

They don’t know how I feel inside

Through my smile I cry

They don’t know what they’re doing to me

Keeping me from flying"

Ally Sheedy wrote her 1991 collection while in rehab.

From "On the Road": "brighter and brighter every daycalmermy insides slosh about like a nauseous oceanit takes great gulps of airwords from religious booksand Diet Cherry Coke to quiet the sound"
google.com

From "On the Road":

"brighter and brighter every day

calmer

my insides slosh about like a nauseous ocean

it takes great gulps of air

words from religious books

and Diet Cherry Coke to quiet the sound"

Kate Moss also wrote poetry while kicking a drug habit.

It's a limerick: "Please let me tell you in brief / what has always been my belief, /Though you may have a passion / for beauty and fashion, / What matters / is what's underneath."
Danny Martindale / Getty Images

It's a limerick: "Please let me tell you in brief / what has always been my belief, /

Though you may have a passion / for beauty and fashion, / What matters / is what's underneath."

When Rosie had a heart attack last year, she wrote a poem called "my heart attack."

The message is a good one; why she made it a poem isn't clear:"i did not call 91150% of women having heart attacks never call 911200,000 women die of heart attacksevery year in the USby some miracle i was not one of themthe next day i went to a cardiologistthe dr did an EKG and sent me to the hospitalwhere a stent was put inmy LAD was 99% blockedthey call this type of heart attackthe Widow maker i am lucky to be hereknow the symptoms ladieslisten to the voice insidethe one we all so easily ignoreCALL 911save urselfxxx"
Alberto E. Rodriguez / Getty Images

The message is a good one; why she made it a poem isn't clear:

"i did not call 911

50% of women having heart attacks never call 911

200,000 women die of heart attacks

every year in the US

by some miracle i was not one of them

the next day i went to a cardiologist

the dr did an EKG and sent me to the hospital

where a stent was put in

my LAD was 99% blocked

they call this type of heart attack

the Widow maker

i am lucky to be here

know the symptoms ladies

listen to the voice inside

the one we all so easily ignore

CALL 911

save urself

xxx"

Britney wrote a poem about K-Fed during like all that whatnot.

Formally speaking, it's somewhat mystifying:"The guilt you fed meMade me weak.The voodoo you didI couldn't speak.You're awakeningThe phone is ringing.Resurrection of my soulThe fear I'm bringing.What will you sayAnd what will you do?She's not the same person that you're used to.You trick me one, twice, now it's three.Look who's smiling nowDamn, it's good to be me!"
Kevin Winter / Getty Images

Formally speaking, it's somewhat mystifying:

"The guilt you fed me

Made me weak.

The voodoo you did

I couldn't speak.

You're awakening

The phone is ringing.

Resurrection of my soul

The fear I'm bringing.

What will you say

And what will you do?

She's not the same person that you're used to.

You trick me one, twice, now it's three.

Look who's smiling now

Damn, it's good to be me!"

Oh Britney.

Remember when this was a thing?

Alberto E. Rodriguez

Jen was so in love with John she wrote a poem called "Lucky in Love."

It does a lot of rhyming a word with the same word: "Lucky in love, lucky in love / Didn't forget me when I asked you to leave me / Didn't forget me / Now you're alongside me / You've brought luck to love / I've been hit by a truck in love"
Jason Merritt

It does a lot of rhyming a word with the same word: "Lucky in love, lucky in love / Didn't forget me when I asked you to leave me / Didn't forget me / Now you're alongside me / You've brought luck to love / I've been hit by a truck in love"

John was so impressed by the proverbial "truck" that was her poem, he reportedly set it to music.

Cannot believe they didn't work out.
Ethan Miller

Cannot believe they didn't work out.

When Pamela Anderson graced the cover of "Playboy" for a record 13th time, the magazine also published a poem she'd written.

It's very unique: "The youth / The wild that rose up from the ashes. / The adults / Living and dead that fought for our rights / Artists / Sweet artists / Hold on / Crazy, the world goes on / And goes ..."
cdn.makeuptalk.com

It's very unique: "The youth / The wild that rose up from the ashes. / The adults / Living and dead that fought for our rights / Artists / Sweet artists / Hold on / Crazy, the world goes on / And goes ..."

Bravo, Pamela.

A young Ronald Reagan composed a poem called "Life" in 1928.

Here's how it opens: "I wonder what it's all about, and why / We suffer so, when little things go wrong? / We make our life a struggle, / When life should be a song."
google.com

Here's how it opens: "I wonder what it's all about, and why / We suffer so, when little things go wrong? / We make our life a struggle, / When life should be a song."

What, did the Gipper just touch your soul?

Yeah he did.
google.com

Yeah he did.

J.J.Redick got super deep in his verses.

Here's an untitlted gem from July 2004, in full:"No bandage can cover my scarsIt's hard living a life behind invisible barsSearching for the face of GodI'm only inspired by the poems of NasBecause the truth has carved my life's patternsThe reality of pain, and the joy of laughterMy hopes and dreams shatteredby the miscalculation of my own situationIt's difficult to keep my nerves patientFacing the forecast of fearsthat none of my peers have ever been faced withI wanna reach the top floor, but I'm stuck in the basementWith not enough juice to burst throughthe chains that have shackled my brainIt seems my dreams have carried me to a separate peaceapart from realitySociety is allowing me to grow into the man I'm destined to becomeBut how can I move when my entire skeleton is numb?Numb from the obstacles that I've been givenSuddenly the bars connect to wallsand I find myself contained inside life's prison"Sports Illustrated has many, many more.
Willie J. Allen Jr. / AP

Here's an untitlted gem from July 2004, in full:

"No bandage can cover my scars

It's hard living a life behind invisible bars

Searching for the face of God

I'm only inspired by the poems of Nas

Because the truth has carved my life's patterns

The reality of pain, and the joy of laughter

My hopes and dreams shattered

by the miscalculation of my own situation

It's difficult to keep my nerves patient

Facing the forecast of fears

that none of my peers have ever been faced with

I wanna reach the top floor, but I'm stuck in the basement

With not enough juice to burst through

the chains that have shackled my brain

It seems my dreams have carried me to a separate peace

apart from reality

Society is allowing me to grow into the man I'm destined to become

But how can I move when my entire skeleton is numb?

Numb from the obstacles that I've been given

Suddenly the bars connect to walls

and I find myself contained inside life's prison"

Sports Illustrated has many, many more.

It's not surprising James Franco publishes poetry.

He played Ginsberg. He's probably enrolled in at least three poetry MFA programs.
toddswift.blogspot.com

He played Ginsberg. He's probably enrolled in at least three poetry MFA programs.

His collection came out last year. It's titled "Strongest of the Litter." This is actually its cover.

It even includes a poem about filming "Spring Breakers"

"I'm the experienced actor, / I am a teacher. When I acted in Spring Breakers / My character was the teacher / And the young Spring Breakers / Were the students from hell, / The materialistic demons / From today's celebrity age."
plastik.me

"I'm the experienced actor, / I am a teacher. When I acted in Spring Breakers / My character was the teacher / And the young Spring Breakers / Were the students from hell, / The materialistic demons / From today's celebrity age."

Don't cry.

And of course Charlie Sheen (self) published a poetry book.

Frederick M. Brown

Here it is:

The question that arises is whether he's misspelled "piece" intentionally...
gq.com

The question that arises is whether he's misspelled "piece" intentionally...

He even read from it during his meltdown.

View this video on YouTube

Bet you know how he feels about his poetry.

Jewel also opted for a punny title.

Unsurprisingly, it's angsty stuff:"I’m writingthis letter to tell youI don’t love you anymore.I don’t miss you.I never have.The truth is,I tried, but never foundyour adorationanything other than arduous..."
genuineindividual.com

Unsurprisingly, it's angsty stuff:

"I’m writing

this letter to tell you

I don’t love you anymore.

I don’t miss you.

I never have.

The truth is,

I tried, but never found

your adoration

anything other than arduous..."

But perhaps no celebpoet is as prolific as Leonard Nimoy.

He often opts for sparseness. Here's a one called "You Fill Me With Your Love""You fill meWith your loveYou fill meWith your caringYou fill meWith your thoughtsYou fill meWith your sharing"
futuredude.com

He often opts for sparseness. Here's a one called "You Fill Me With Your Love"

"You fill me

With your love

You fill me

With your caring

You fill me

With your thoughts

You fill me

With your sharing"

These aren't even all of his books.

Hopefully you notice the pattern, title-wise.

Never stop writing, celebrities.

Top trending videos

Watch more BuzzFeed Video Caret right

Top trending videos

Watch more BuzzFeed Video Caret right
The best things at three price points