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    Posted on Jun 13, 2013

    The Best Worst Celebrity Poetry

    Remember that phase when you wrote awful, sentimental poetry? Some celebs never grew out of it.

    Suzanne Somers' poetry collection features the typical "large photo of the poet" cover.

    icedteaandsarcasm.com

    From the titular poem: "Touch me / In Crowds / When a single look says everything / In solitude / When it's too dark to even look / In absence / When I reach for you through time and miles."

    As does Alicia Keys', which is titled "Tears for Water."

    google.com

    The beginning of "Caged Bird":

    "Right now I feel like a bird

    Caged without a key

    Everyone comes to stare at me

    So much joy and revelry

    They don’t know how I feel inside

    Through my smile I cry

    They don’t know what they’re doing to me

    Keeping me from flying"

    Ally Sheedy wrote her 1991 collection while in rehab.

    google.com

    From "On the Road":

    "brighter and brighter every day

    calmer

    my insides slosh about like a nauseous ocean

    it takes great gulps of air

    words from religious books

    and Diet Cherry Coke to quiet the sound"

    Kate Moss also wrote poetry while kicking a drug habit.

    Danny Martindale / Getty Images

    It's a limerick: "Please let me tell you in brief / what has always been my belief, /

    Though you may have a passion / for beauty and fashion, / What matters / is what's underneath."

    When Rosie had a heart attack last year, she wrote a poem called "my heart attack."

    Alberto E. Rodriguez / Getty Images

    The message is a good one; why she made it a poem isn't clear:

    "i did not call 911

    50% of women having heart attacks never call 911

    200,000 women die of heart attacks

    every year in the US

    by some miracle i was not one of them

    the next day i went to a cardiologist

    the dr did an EKG and sent me to the hospital

    where a stent was put in

    my LAD was 99% blocked

    they call this type of heart attack

    the Widow maker

    i am lucky to be here

    know the symptoms ladies

    listen to the voice inside

    the one we all so easily ignore

    CALL 911

    save urself

    xxx"

    Britney wrote a poem about K-Fed during like all that whatnot.

    Kevin Winter / Getty Images

    Formally speaking, it's somewhat mystifying:

    "The guilt you fed me

    Made me weak.

    The voodoo you did

    I couldn't speak.

    You're awakening

    The phone is ringing.

    Resurrection of my soul

    The fear I'm bringing.

    What will you say

    And what will you do?

    She's not the same person that you're used to.

    You trick me one, twice, now it's three.

    Look who's smiling now

    Damn, it's good to be me!"

    Oh Britney.

    Remember when this was a thing?

    Alberto E. Rodriguez

    Jen was so in love with John she wrote a poem called "Lucky in Love."

    Jason Merritt

    It does a lot of rhyming a word with the same word: "Lucky in love, lucky in love / Didn't forget me when I asked you to leave me / Didn't forget me / Now you're alongside me / You've brought luck to love / I've been hit by a truck in love"

    John was so impressed by the proverbial "truck" that was her poem, he reportedly set it to music.

    Ethan Miller

    Cannot believe they didn't work out.

    When Pamela Anderson graced the cover of "Playboy" for a record 13th time, the magazine also published a poem she'd written.

    cdn.makeuptalk.com

    It's very unique: "The youth / The wild that rose up from the ashes. / The adults / Living and dead that fought for our rights / Artists / Sweet artists / Hold on / Crazy, the world goes on / And goes ..."

    Bravo, Pamela.

    A young Ronald Reagan composed a poem called "Life" in 1928.

    google.com

    Here's how it opens: "I wonder what it's all about, and why / We suffer so, when little things go wrong? / We make our life a struggle, / When life should be a song."

    What, did the Gipper just touch your soul?

    google.com

    Yeah he did.

    J.J.Redick got super deep in his verses.

    Willie J. Allen Jr. / AP

    Here's an untitlted gem from July 2004, in full:

    "No bandage can cover my scars

    It's hard living a life behind invisible bars

    Searching for the face of God

    I'm only inspired by the poems of Nas

    Because the truth has carved my life's patterns

    The reality of pain, and the joy of laughter

    My hopes and dreams shattered

    by the miscalculation of my own situation

    It's difficult to keep my nerves patient

    Facing the forecast of fears

    that none of my peers have ever been faced with

    I wanna reach the top floor, but I'm stuck in the basement

    With not enough juice to burst through

    the chains that have shackled my brain

    It seems my dreams have carried me to a separate peace

    apart from reality

    Society is allowing me to grow into the man I'm destined to become

    But how can I move when my entire skeleton is numb?

    Numb from the obstacles that I've been given

    Suddenly the bars connect to walls

    and I find myself contained inside life's prison"

    Sports Illustrated has many, many more.

    It's not surprising James Franco publishes poetry.

    toddswift.blogspot.com

    He played Ginsberg. He's probably enrolled in at least three poetry MFA programs.

    His collection came out last year. It's titled "Strongest of the Litter." This is actually its cover.

    It even includes a poem about filming "Spring Breakers"

    plastik.me

    "I'm the experienced actor, / I am a teacher. When I acted in Spring Breakers / My character was the teacher / And the young Spring Breakers / Were the students from hell, / The materialistic demons / From today's celebrity age."

    Don't cry.

    And of course Charlie Sheen (self) published a poetry book.

    Frederick M. Brown

    Here it is:

    gq.com

    The question that arises is whether he's misspelled "piece" intentionally...

    He even read from it during his meltdown.

    View this video on YouTube

    Bet you know how he feels about his poetry.

    Jewel also opted for a punny title.

    genuineindividual.com

    Unsurprisingly, it's angsty stuff:

    "I’m writing

    this letter to tell you

    I don’t love you anymore.

    I don’t miss you.

    I never have.

    The truth is,

    I tried, but never found

    your adoration

    anything other than arduous..."

    But perhaps no celebpoet is as prolific as Leonard Nimoy.

    futuredude.com

    He often opts for sparseness. Here's a one called "You Fill Me With Your Love"

    "You fill me

    With your love

    You fill me

    With your caring

    You fill me

    With your thoughts

    You fill me

    With your sharing"

    These aren't even all of his books.

    Hopefully you notice the pattern, title-wise.

    Never stop writing, celebrities.