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The 10 Rules About How To Eat Cookies

Sandeep Baweja is the president a consulting firm that provides business owners with guidance about development and growth. In his spare time, Sandeep enjoys spending time with his family and writing satirical blogs on the adventures they share.

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My name is Ariyanna and I am 2 years old. I prepared the following “guidelines” about how to eat cookies based on my first 18 months of cookie-eating experiences. Sorry it took my dad this long to write this up, but he’s a busy guy. If you follow these suggestions and rules, you will live a happier life, no matter how old you are. Who doesn’t love cookies, right?

Two Fisted

Eat at least two cookies at the same time, one in each hand. Never less. Don’t deprive yourself.

Make Your Demands Clear

As you are devouring both cookies with crumbs avalanching down your face, demand “MORE!” even if your mouth is already full and you haven’t finished the ones in your hands yet. Cookies are your God-given right.

Consider Your Form

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Shove as much of the cookie as possible into your mouth all at once. Even if part of the cookie sticks out of your mouth, shovel it in. You can do it. I do it all the time.

Gimme, Gimme, Gimme… All Kinds, All Types

The best kinds of cookies are ALL kinds of cookies. Giv’em all to me. Chocolate chip, Parle-G (world famous Indian cookies), shortbread, sugar cookies, white chocolate, chocolate covered, chocolate dipped, whatever you got. Bring ‘em on baby! I need them and they need me.

Set High Goals

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You can never eat too many cookies — unless of course you end up puking. Then maybe you should’ve had one or two less, as I’ve learned from experience. But if you keep eating them until you puke, it’s all good. When it comes to cookies, less is definitely not more. More is more, and more is always better than less. Got it? Good.

Any Time, All the Time

When should cookies be eaten? Breakfast; lunch; afternoon snack; before, with, and after dinner; before bedtime – hell yeah. Cookies will not spoil your appetite, they’ll enhance it. In fact, they go great just before or even after a sippy cup of milk. Milk and cookies always go together. Cookies and me always go together.

Goodwill Grunting

If you want more cookies, just grunt and keep grunting until you get some more. If your grunts are ignored, grunt increasingly louder each time. If you’re still ignored, start flailing your hands in the air and throw in a scream or two. Trust me, this will work.

Sharing Is Caring

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If someone nearby has a cookie (baby, toddler, even a bigger kid) and you don’t have any (probably because you already ate yours), it’s okay to grab theirs. If they don’t give it up, it’s also okay to hit them with a toy, your shoe–whatever’s within reach to take their cookie away. And don’t look back. Just take their cookie, walk away, and eat it like it was yours to begin with. That’s what they get for not voluntarily sharing.

Crumbs Ain’t Your Problem

Never apologize for making a mess, whether all over the floor, all over the sofa, or all over your face. Those crumbs are not your problem. So don’t apologize for making crumbs. Someone else needs to clean them up. Your job is to eat them, that’s all.

Embrace Your Dramatic Side

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If you ask for cookies, and the so-called “grown-up,” figure tells you no, simply ask again. If you receive another no, what that really means is: ask me again, only louder. This time, if the parental giant’s response is: I said NO!, now it’s time to take it up a notch. Throw yourself face-down onto the floor, spread-eagle, and in an even louder voice scream: COOKIES, COOKIES, COOKIES!!!!!

If that doesn’t work, it’s time to break out the big guns – turn on your tear-switch and let those crystal droplets roll down your face. Keep dripping those little sympathy–inducing pearls until you hear those magic words: Okay, okay, okay, here you go.

This blog was originally posted on Sandeep's website here.

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