The Residents Of The Hundred Acre Wood Ranked By Uselfulness During A Hostage Situation

The characters who reside in the world of Winnie the Pooh are beloved the world over. But placed in a dire negotiation for hostages, how would each one fare?

9. "The Sidekick" - Piglet

Let's get this out of the way right now. I won't even bother with stats or evaluations for this one.

I am warning you now: This timid little shit will get those hostages killed.

A terrible hand for literally any crisis big or small, Piglet is a follower, and a panicky, anxiety-ridden coward.

He will turn every attempt at a negotiation into a farce, but the deaths will be far from comedic.

Take that bulletproof vest away from him, because this asshole is gonna end up strangled in it, hiding behind a tree trunk.

8. "The Rain Cloud" - Eeyore

Social Skills: Poor

Construction Skills: Poor

Tail Stability: Lacking

Mental State: Chronic Major Depressive Disorder.

While an eloquent, rather poetic sort of mind, Eeyore's emotional state is a cause for major concern, requiring constant supervision in the field.

Though it is likely he would remain calm in a crisis, almost to a state of apathy, there is a possibility that his sociopathy would cause him to relate to the hostage-takers, making them feel justified in their actions and putting the hostages themselves in jeopardy.

Because of a severely negative and hopeless attitude, it is recommended Eeyore remain out of radio contact during emergency situations.

7. "The Kid" - Roo

Tact: 4

Enthusiasm: 9

Skills: Touching Toes

Attitude: Positive

The only real mitigating factor to Roo is his age and corresponding inexperience.

His very "do now, ask questions later" personality makes for a strong field commander. But his over-stepping ambition, coupled with his naivete, makes for a volatile combination in the field as an agent

Roo could end up antagonizing the situation, endangering hostages, as well as the security of the officers sent in with him.

6. "The Brain" - Owl

Pros: Literate, Confident, Nocturnal, Flight

Cons: Bravado, Superiority, Narcissism, Inability to Disguise

Truthfully, much of Owl's supposed superior intelligence is either convoluted and incoherently attained, and there is a strong suggestion that the remainder is faked behind an air of superiority.

Owl's condescension and patronizing manner will likely lead to the antagonism of a situation, while any remotely successful attempts at negotiation could stretch to an indefinite amount of time given Owl's propensity for grandstanding and monologuing.

5. Rabbit

Farming: Excellent

Personality: High-Strung

Foot: Lucky

While much of Owl's intelligence is a misdirect, Rabbit possesses an above average depth of intelligence,

Additionally, Rabbit offers an everyman quality, with his relatability and blue collar work ethic, as opposed to Owl's elitist perceptions. Rabbit is "of the people," living amongst the other wood residents in a modest house as a self-made man.

Rabbit is also organized, precise, punctual, tactful, and strategic.

His only weak side is his temper, which prevents an ability to improvise, since it only manifests itself when things do not go according to plan.

But Rabbit's ability to plan a successful first attempt mitigates any need for on-the-fly resourcefulness to be much of a deterring factor.

4. "The Loose Cannon" - Tigger

Spelling: Inadequate

Bounciness: Extraordinary

While possessing many of the same negative qualities as Roo, Tigger benefits from age and cunning. Being a tiger, he has proven quite resourceful and quick on his feet.

Possessing talents unique and opposite to the more reserved Rabbit, Tigger operates well in the field as plans inevitably change. He is better able to anticipate character, mood, motivation, and behavior.

His boundless energy ensures negotiations will be swift, while his physical prowess is more reliable than almost all of the other candidates on the list.

3. "The Franchise" - Winnie the Pooh

Tendencies: Honey, talking to himself

Vices: Honey

Best motivation for work in the field: Honey

Empathetic, loyal, and resourceful, for the most part Pooh is an ideal negotiator. He is able to relate, he possesses an innate ability to get people to open up, and he is tirelessly helpful.

One problem though is his incessant need to eat. Hunger tends to cloud his judgment and his ability to focus on other things. Well-fed and well-kept though, Pooh is able to strategize outside the box, and is more than capable of seeing things through to the end.

Now if the hostage were to be Christopher Robin... well, he may be too emotionally involved. (Alternatively: Taken: Winnie the Pooh-style.)

2. "The Mother" - Kanga

Children: One

Personality: Hovering

Pouch Capacity: One Roo

Possessing a strong maternal quality grants Kanga many abilities. She is protective, sympathetic, and open-minded.

Kanga also possesses a similar disarming quality to Pooh, which prevents escalating any sort of crisis.

Learning to deal with a child as troublesome as Roo (who idolizes an anti-hero like Tigger) has allowed Kanga to develop the ideal mix of parental qualities: approachability, clarity, defined roles, reasoning, anticipation, and empathy.

1. "The Game Changer" - Mole

Skills: Digging, upper body strength

Sounds Like: The tea's ready

Look. Who else could be number one? Yes, it's a ranking of the abilities in a hostage situation, but do you know what prevent a hostage situation?

A frikkin' mole who can dig a tunnel to the hostages and get them the hell out of there.

Boom. Mole, you the mole.