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    For Everyone Who Is Obsessed With "Hotline Bling"

    Drake, this is all your fault.

    Hey gang, my name is Sam. I'm a normal human being, just like most of you. I pay my rent on time, I love going to Starbucks, and I eat my veggies. See, I'm just a regular guy!

    But I have a deep, dark secret — something really ~personal~ to get off my chest. It's not easy to share, and I've been struggling with how to say it best but...I'm addicted to Drake's "Hotline Bling."

    If you happen to live under a rock, or don't really listen to music, or are Meek Mill, here's "Hotline Bling" by Champagne Papi in all its glory:

    View this video on YouTube

    I've listened to it countless times, I can't get the lyrics out of my head (You used to call me on my cell phone...Late night when you need my love...), and it just might be the death of me.

    police officer looking at my corpse: "how did he die?" coroner: "it appears he listened to 'hotline bling' one too many times, officer."

    The mastermind behind my woes? Mr. Aubrey Graham, aka Drake, aka Champagne Papi.

    You see, I am not alone in my obsession. "Hotline Bling" has been streamed almost 80 MILLION times on's an epidemic of catastrophic proportions!

    It's even starting to affect our celebrities, like Colton Haynes, who was caught rocking a "Hotline Bling" hat...

    ...and Katy Perry, who captioned this picture "You used to call me on my floating island phone." WE HAVE A SERIOUS "HOTLINE BLING" PROBLEM, PEOPLE!

    Our obsession is so bad, we've had to resort to extreme measures to get out "Hotline Bling" fix. Like Erykah Badu's silky-smooth cover of Drake's masterpiece...

    View this video on YouTube

    ...or Disclosure and Sam Smith's boppin', synthy version. We just can't get enough!!!

    View this video on YouTube

    Seriously, we just can't help but singing along whenever the song comes on the radio:

    I sing Hotline Bling so soulfully it's like whoever hurt drake hurt me too

    Or "accidentally" listen to it on repeat on Spotify:

    *casually listens to Hotline Bling on repeat 100 times*

    And TBH, aside from this guy, no one really cares that you can't call 1-800-HOTLINE-BLING because it's too many digits:

    I have absolutely no idea what this 1-800-hotline bling thing is. Also if you called that number it wouldn't work. Too many digits.

    It's bad, y'all. This is all of us when "Hotline Bling" comes on in the club:

    We are all Ernie, singing along to "Hotline Bling":

    We are all Spongebob, waiting for our shell phone call:

    CURSE YOU, DRAKE (but also really, thank you for gifting us with "Hotline Bling").

    Now someone, please get me this cake for my birthday.