24 Secrets Catholics Won’t Tell You

Seriously, WWJD?

1. The Eucharist? It actually tastes like cardboard.

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You had to wait ALL the way until your First Communion for this?

2. And nobody gets tipsy off of the Blood of Christ.

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A sip of wine sounds exciting when you are 12, but it really isn’t *that* big of a deal.

3. If you’re smart, you’ll cheat while kneeling. Only God will know…

Half-sitting, half-kneeling is the way to go.

4. Choosing what to give up for Lent is always a BIG decision…

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Don’t do chocolate. Don’t EVER do chocolate.

5. …And it’s also an opportunity to brag for 40 days and nights about what a great Catholic you are.

United Artists

Because why give up candy for a month if you can’t bring it up in every conversation?

6. And along the way, you probably ate your fair share of grilled cheese, pizza, and fish on Fridays.

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ALL CHEESE EVERYTHING. And you’re doing it because you’re SUCH a good Catholic, right?

7. Your dream school was never Harvard or Princeton, but Notre Dame, Georgetown, or BC.

You need a higher power involved in your higher education.

8. Mass on Holy Days of Obligation is actually a test on your ability to stay awake for nearly two hours.

God is truly testing your willpower.

9. Arriving to Mass late might be embarrassing, and you had to stand in the back, but you are always the first to leave.

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Which is crucial, because the church parking lot is CRAZY.

10. Unless you are in the choir, the best way to get through the hymns is to mouth along to the lyrics.

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Face it, you DON’T have the voice of an angel.

11. Being an altar boy or girl wasn’t really an option, it was a REQUIREMENT.

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Because you HAD to make mom proud.

12. Your family is of course pretty darn big. Like, sometimes you have trouble remembering all your cousins’ names.

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And you definitely had cousins named Peter, Paul, or Mary.

13. Let’s be honest, you never go to confession as often as you should.

New Line Cinema

Do you REALLY have to confess about taking the Lord’s name in vain when that crazy person cut you off on the freeway?

14. You definitely remember secretly opening some of these ahead of time during Advent.

Flickr: queenvannacreations / Via Creative Commons


15. And when you were a kid, you didn’t exactly get the reason behind lighting one pink and three purple candles, but you DID get excited because it meant you were that much closer to Christmas.

It really is the best time of the year.

16. As a Catholic, you constantly have to talk about the “true meaning” of Christmas.

Remember to keep the “Christ” in “Christmas”!

17. But deep down, you still get REALLY excited about opening presents and decorating the tree.

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I mean, are you *NOT* supposed to get excited about Santa Claus?

18. Sunday School/CCD wasn’t just where you learned about the church and studied the Bible; it was also where fun went to die.

Hopefully, you at least got some killer snacks.

19. You’ve totally, unironically actually thought about what Jesus would do in a situation you were in.

What would Jesus do if Starbucks messed up his order?

20. You spent Palm Sunday Mass trying to find someone who can turn your palm into a cross.

Seriously, the only way you could make one of these was by the Grace of God.

21. You put up with wearing the most uncomfortable outfits for Christmas and Easter, but only because you knew you would get presents in the end.

Valerie Stryker

Yup, it was totally worth it.

22. And you would never say it, but you secretly kind of miss your Catholic school uniform.

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It was kind of nice not having to ever pick out an outfit!

23. You think Pope Francis isn’t just the leader of the church, but a total rock star.

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He even takes selfies.

24. And nuns are actually the biggest badasses in the world. They keep it REAL.

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And we’re not just talking about the Sister Act movies.


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