1. On finding a parking space:
I fucking Hate being cat fished by a parking space. Get so excited, go to pull in.. and there's a fiat 500 in there
2. On being proactive:
Working on my five year plan: 1. ? 2. ? 3. ? 4. ? 5. And then they'll all be sorry.
3. On drinking seltzer:
La Croix taste like if you were drinking carbonated water and someone screamed out loud the name of a specific fruit in the other room
4. On medieval times, Part 1:
plague doctors had no business looking that badass, walking around like a BDSM bird priest for no reason at all
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5. On medieval times, Part 2:
can you imagine how hot we all would have seemed like 600 years ago
6. On our favorite movies:
me explaining to literally anyone that Miranda Priestly was NOT the villain in The Devil Wears Prada and it was act… https://t.co/6ISIUxDmKm
7. On New Years Resolutions, Part 1:
my new years resolution is to put my clothes back on the hangers and in my closet after trying them on. i know that… https://t.co/27UWC0kx7G
8. On New Years Resolutions, Part 2:
I fucked up already, 2019 my year fasho
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9. On optical illusions:
i thought this lady was fuckin staring at me for 5 minutes till i realized it was a magazine
10. On caffeinated beverages:
Coffee Gives Me Diarrhea But I Drink It Anyway
11. On youth culture:
y’all be born in Q4 of 1999 talking about the finesse remix making y’all miss the 90’s
12. On staying in:
me going out literally the next weekend after saying i’m not going out for a while
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13. On taking pictures:
what I mean when I say “can u take a photo of me?”
14. On social media:
I’ve been spending more time on Instagram than Twitter lately because I like the “feel bad about myself” machine mo… https://t.co/XfaZfurJyR
15. On millennials:
fucking pay us maybe
16. On our favorite TV shows:
me: Black Mirror: it's cause you be on that phone
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17. On budgeting properly:
Me forcing myself to save money and cook instead of eating out
18. On social progress:
1998: the teens are calling everything gay 2008: the teens aren't sure they should be really calling things gay 201… https://t.co/RYpdKsLJq3
19. And finally, on growing up:
two biggest shocks of adult life: 1. everyone does cocaine 2. cheese is fucking expensive
