1. Ugh there are so many teams. This is going to take me forever.
2. I have not watched a minute of college basketball this season.
3. I feel qualified to make picks, however, because I went to college, and I played basketball once.
4. Let’s start with Duke. Duke is always good. They’re like the Slytherin of college basketball.
5. OK, now that I have that out of the way, let’s start at the top left. Can’t do this willy-nilly.
6. I wish the team names were listed and not the just the school names. What if the school has a shitty mascot? I need to know that.
7. * hums “That’s How I Beat Shaq” by Aaron Carter. *
8. I like Florida and I have to pick them because they’re the Gators, and I love alligators.
9. VCU? That sounds like a venereal disease. Whatever, I’m picking them.
10. “UCLA Bruins” makes it sound like they’re making beer, so that’s an easy pick for me.
11. Well, my cousin went to Ohio State, so I have to choose them, right?
12. Syracuse! They wear orange. Orange is such an underrated color.
13. There’s something edgy about choosing a 10-seed over a 7-seed. It makes you feel so alive!
14. I’m going with the Kansas Jayhawks. Also, did you know that Kansas is actually flatter than a pancake? Science, man!
15. I actually visited the University of Virginia. I didn’t apply, but I had a nice Mexican meal while I was there.
16. I’m picking Memphis to win its first game because they’re the Tigers, and tigers are cool.
17. I feel like if George Washington were alive, he’d be more excited about being on the dollar bill and the quarter than having a college named after him.
18. I’m calling it: Harvard upsets Cincinnati because the Illuminati wants it to happen.
19. Never bet against the Michigan State Spartans. They’re like the Lannisters of college basketball.
20. I can’t believe Americans do this every year and actually get excited about it. This is like doing your taxes, except with sports.
21. I have a headache and my eyes are drooping. I need a coffee.
22. Shit, I forgot about the play-in games. Does anyone really care about those anyway? When do those even happen?
23. I wonder how Wisconsin feels about playing American in the first round. Like, if you win your game, how happy can you be? You literally just beat America.
24. What is a Gonzaga?
25. Weber State must be named after the grill, because I’m pretty sure there isn’t a state named “Weber.”
26. I refuse to believe there is a college named “Manhattan.” Like, is their mascot a slice of pizza or a pigeon? Or maybe a pigeon eating a slice of pizza?
27. Wow, I just finished all of my first-round picks. I feel like I just aged a year.
28. I think I’m developing carpal tunnel writing out this bracket.
29. Fun fact: If Nebraska and Creighton both win their first-round games (which I picked them to do) it will be the greatest thing to ever happen to the state of Nebraska since ever.
30. So Nebraska is a state, a basketball team, and an Oscar-nominated movie. 2014 is a big year for the Cornhusker State!
31. I heard Obama picked Michigan State. Should I pick them too?
32. I wonder who Beyoncé picked in her bracket?
33. You know Beyoncé’s bracket looks flawless.
34. Also, who do you think JLaw picked?
35. I bet Jennifer Lawrence picked Duke to win a few games, just like me. She’s so relatable.
36. This would be more exciting if this were like The Hunger Games and the teams were trying to kill each other.
37. I’m eating beef jerky and drinking coffee to push through these picks, I wonder what my breath smells like?
38. * Breathes into hand * Ew, I think I need a stick of gum.
39. If I were in charge of the NCAA, I would start March Madness earlier so there is none of this nonsense of MARCH Madness ending in April.
40. Seriously, the only “madness” in March is spending more than half an hour on your bracket, yet here I am slaving away over my picks.
41. I have reached the point where I am picking schools based on whether I would want to go on vacation there.
42. This bodes well for Arizona, San Diego State, and Texas.
43. On the flip side, St. Louis, Kentucky, and Iowa State are screwed.
44. This is ridiculous. I need a drink. Like, an alcoholic one.
45. If March Madness were held a month later, would it be April Antics? How about May Mayhem? June Lunies? OK, I’ll stop.
46. “Sweet 16” makes me think of the Hilary Duff song.
47. Also, the MTV show.
48. Connecticut has two things going for it: UConn basketball, and it isn’t Rhode Island.
49. I can’t tell if I’m bloated from filling out this bracket for the last 45 minutes or because I just scarfed down a coffee and some beef jerky.
50. I could probably have taken like, seven Buzzfeed quizzes in the time I spent filling out the first round of this bracket alone.
51. I would be way more excited if this was a Quidditch bracket, and not college basketball.
52. I can practically hear Dick Vitale screaming in my ear while I fill out this quiz.
53. “SLAM, BAM, JAM, BABY!!!!!!!!”
54. Eenie-meenie miny-moe…
55. I think I’ve checked Twitter more times than actual picks I have made in this bracket.
56. I need to check Twitter again.
57. Honestly, I’d rather watch Beyoncé make her bracket picks than actually make them myself.
58. You ALWAYS pick Michigan State, just like you ALWAYS need to order at least a Grande at Starbucks.
59. I hope to have my bracket completed by the time the tournament starts.
60. Arizona gets to go to the Final Four because the state just shot down an anti-gay bill, and also because I like their uniforms.
61. Sending Louisville to the championship because someone needs to do America a favor and stop Duke, and it sure as hell isn’t Wichita State.
62. Who scheduled the Final Four to be in Arlington? Was Des Moines not available?
63. And I’m picking Florida to win! They have a No. 1 seed and a reptilian mascot — was I supposed to pick someone else?
64. * says prayer that bracket doesn’t go to shit after the first round. *