1. Crap, I’m out of food. And two-buck Chuck. Time to go to Trader Joe’s!
2. All right, I’m going to be good and get only what I need.
3. WHY IS THERE NEVER PARKING HERE?! It’s like a frickin’ war zone!
4. Oh look, I found a spot!
5. Shoot, there is a shopping cart in the way. I hate when people do that!
6. Wait, I found the last free spot! Haha, suckers!
7. Thank goodness I remembered to bring my reusable Trader Joe’s grocery bags! I’m so environmentally friendly.
8. Time to get a shopping cart.
9. Dammit, this one is stuck in the one ahead of it. Why does this always happen?!
10. :::grunts, tries to separate two shopping carts::: AHHHH got it!
11. It is so beautiful in here; I love how it’s decorated. It’s like a tropical tiki food paradise. Why would you EVER shop at another grocery store?
12. Oh look, blue tortilla chips are on display. How did they stack the bags so high without them falling down?
13. And the chalkboard illustration saying they are $2.99 a bag? It looks like Michelangelo drew it. That is ART.
14. Seriously, I feel like I should buy a bag just for the effort put into the display.
15. But I don’t even really like tortilla chips that much.
16. Screw it, I’m getting a bag. You win, Trader Joe’s chip stacker.
17. OK, let’s move on to the produce. It’s never that good, but I’m feeling HEALTHY.
18. KALE! I probably should get some kale. I feel so adult getting kale.
19. But will I eat it? How do you actually EAT kale? Is it like salad? Do you cook it?
20. Kale is a fucking mystery.
21. The fruit is so cheap. And it’s kind of pretty, like a rainbow of good health. Maybe I’ll get something.
22. OK, one apple sounds good.
23. OMG OMG OMG OMG COOKIEEEEE BUTTER!!!!!!!!!!
24. Should I get the crunchy cookie butter? Or the smooth? Or the chocolate swirl.
25. Screw it, I’m getting all three. YOLO, am I right or am I right?
26. Oh look, I wonder what they have for free samples?
27. Oh, goat cheese pizza! And cranberry juice! And coffee! Don’t mind if I do!
28. Wait, there’s a line for this? Are these tiny morsels of free food worth waiting for?
29. Who am I kidding, it’s free food. I’m waiting.
30. I wish some of these people would leave. Or there was, like, a VIP Trader Joe’s free samples line. I would totally be in it.
31. Oh here we go! Free food, free food! And these little forks and cups are so cute.
32. YUMMMMMM. I wish I could feast off of Trader Joe’s free samples.
33. OK, time to go into the aisles. Adventure awaits!
34. :::bumps into another shopping cart::: Why are these aisles so tight?
35. Seriously, Trader Joe’s needs to step up its aisle game.
36. That totally was not my fault. And these shopping carts are so hard to maneuver!
37. OK, got around that lady. Seriously, I am SO over these small aisles.
38. Like, this Trader Joe’s should be twice the size it actually is. Who designed this supermarket, an ant?
39. OH MY GOD LOOK AT ALL THE ICE CREAM.
40. Wait, I probably should stick to the healthier stuff. BUT THE CHOCOLATE MOCHI.
41. AND THE FROZEN CHEESECAKE POPS.
42. Oh, these frozen bars are only 100 calories each. That’s like, really healthy. I’m getting a box.
43. Jeez, chicken parmesan meatballs? Christ, what evil culinary mastermind thinks of all of this?
44. I need to get out of this aisle before I put everything in my cart.
45. The stuff here is just so darn cheap, I feel like I should stock up!
46. Oh good, we’re in the booze aisle. Let’s see, how many bottles of two-buck Chuck should I get?
47. Also, I’m really pissed. Shouldn’t it be $2.49 Chuck now? I’ve never been so angry over two quarters.
48. Whatever, I’m getting two bottles of chardonnay. Keeping it classy, AND on a budget!
49. Do I want some beer? Yeah, I want some beer.
50. Trader Jose’s, LOL I get it! It’s like the TJ’s version of Corona. It’s “Jose” instead of “Joe.”
51. I love how the names change to match the country the food is from. That is so cultural AND clever of Trader Joe’s!
52. OK, time to hit the cheese section and then check out.
53. OMG. I think I have died and gone to cheese heave. Gouda, sharp cheddar, mozzarella, GOAT CHEESE? They have it all.
54. I want all of the cheese. I want to only eat cheese. Is there an all-cheese diet that I am unaware of?
55. All right, seriously, it is time to brave the checkout line.
56. Why are the lines always so long?!? It’s like we’re waiting for Splash Mountain or something.
57. Do I have 12 items or fewer? I hope I can go into the express lane.
58. Shit, I have 13. Well, I’m going for it. No one is going to notice.
59. I normally don’t love Hawaiian shirts, but I love how all the employees wear them here.
60. And they are always so merry! I wish I were as happy as a Trader Joe’s worker.
61. But why do they ring that bell? Are they secretly communicating with one another?
62. Wait, I just spent HOW much on groceries?
63. And all I ended up with was three jars of cookie butter, two bottles of wine, an apple, a bag of tortilla chips, and some cheese?!?
64. CURSE YOU, TRADER JOE’S!!!
65. But I’ll see you next week.