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Updated on Aug 31, 2020. Posted on Jan 9, 2016

27 Moments From "The Simple Life" That Belong In A Damn History Textbook

Pull up a chair, because they didn't teach this in high school!

1. Literally every time they unleashed the most important phrase in the English language, "that's hot", but ESPECIALLY this time:

Fox / Via realitytvgifs.tumblr.com

Old Dude: "I was at a funeral yesterday..."

Paris: "That's hot."

2. When Nicole asked for a quarter and probably saved the American economy in the process:

Fox / Via trippingovertheworld.wordpress.com

"Do you have 25 cents?"

3. When Paris changed the culinary industry forever by trying to grill bacon with an iron:

4. And when she wasn't even ashamed about her innovative, game-changing cooking technique, because why the hell should she:

FOX / Via hilton-richie.tumblr.com

"I hope you all like the dinner I ironed."

5. When Paris gave life advice so profound that it belongs in a TED Talk:

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"When you're older and you don't want to do housework, just do everything wrong, because then, you won't be asked to do it again."

6. When this mind-boggling slip that nearly reawakened Sigmund Freud from the dead occurred:

Fox / Via sofyiloveparishiltonxoxo.tumblr.com

"I made meatballs."

"We love balls."

"I said meatballs."

"Those too."

7. When Nicole held down a phone call while also changing male grooming patterns for the better:

FOX / Via beverlyhilton.tumblr.com

"Hi gorgeous, how are you?"

"I'm doing good. How about you?"

"Just taking a little break. I'm shaving your husband's nipples."

"What?"

"Sweetie, I've got to go 'cause my hands are full of your husband's nipple hair."

8. When Paris and Nicole changed fashion (more specifically, farm-friendly fashion) for the better:

Fox / Via hilton-richie.tumblr.com

"They're so dope."

"They are farm material."

9. When the girls were proponents of a very bohemian sexual lifestyle:

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"He's so cute, we should have a threesome with him."

10. When Paris gave directions that would have made Christopher Columbus proud:

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"Hi, um, we're up in the mountains and we need to be rescued. We're in between, like, five mountains with trees everywhere."

11. When it was 2005, and hey, things happen:

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"Listen, it's 2005. Things happen."

12. When Nicole wholeheartedly supported capitalism and returned her meal because she couldn't afford it:

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"We don't have enough money, so can we give this back?"

13. When Paris stood up for the proletariat and had this very important question about her work uniform:

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"I'm going to give you some work uniforms, you have five minutes to get into them, any questions?"

"Do they come in pink?"

14. When Paris tried to make one small turn for man, but Nicole muttered one giant "Yeah" for mankind:

Fox / Via danieldean.tumblr.com

"Right or left?"

"Yeah."

15. When Nicole did a Betty Friedan and turned our patriarchal society on its head:

Fox / Via beverlyhilton.tumblr.com

"Sit down."

"Are you gonna make me feel comfortable?"

"Yeah, don't be rude. What color are your nipples?"

16. When Paris nearly one-upped Shakespeare by mispronouncing "internship":

Fox / Via vaginomics.tumblr.com

"How do you guys make money to pay for this?"

"We do inter-ships."

"Internships."

17. When Paris and Nicole made you realize the Olympics needed to add an additional sport:

18. When Paris and Nicole revolutionized air travel with their top-notch customer service experience:

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"Would you like a lap dance?"

19. When Nicole said this, one of the great goodbyes in human history:

Fox / Via weheartit.com

"Bye guys, I had a sexy time."

20. When Nicole paid tribute to one of Hollywood's greatest legends:

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"You look like Marilyn Monroe."

"Dead?"

21. When Nicole said what should be EVERYONE'S New Year's Resolution:

Fox / Via hilton-richie.tumblr.com

"So do you want me to..."

"You have to show nipples in January."

22. When Nicole gave Abraham Lincoln a run for his money when it comes to profundity and offered this incredibly profound advice:

FOX / Via fuckyeahthesimplelife.tumblr.com

"You guys, sex sells. It's 2004."

23. When Paris proved that titles are just a construct of a capitalist society:

FOX / Via sofyiloveparishiltonxoxo.tumblr.com

"Alright, what do you want me to call you?"

"Princess Paris. Or bitch."

24. When Paris tested the limits of the human psyche when Nicole told her they were fired:

Fox / Via fuckyeahthesimplelife.tumblr.com

"We're fired."

"I know, I'm psychic."

25. When Paris tested the limits of male-female dating patterns:

FOX / Via promises-of-perfection.tumblr.com

"If it's my birthday and I get flowers I'm like, 'Thanks, it's going to die in two days.'"

26. When Nicole joined Aristotle and Plato as one of philosophy's great minds when she answered Paris's question with another question:

FOX / Via dontsellmeshit.tumblr.com

Paris: "How could you do this to me?"

Nicole: "How could you wear blue fur?"

27. And finally, when Paris and Nicole not only changed this sign for the better, but also altered the course of human history in the process:

Fox / Via fuckyeahthesimplelife.tumblr.com

"Hide the ladder so they can't take it down!"

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