1. This accurate summary of what Food Network shows are actually like:
Me on food network: "I made a puréed nut spread w/ a grape relish reduction paired w/ brioche bun"
2. Literally the meatiest pun you'll ever find:
a steak pun is a rare medium well done
3. This formal introduction:
Pleasure to meet you. The name's...
4. "Bone app the teeth":
just made some cornbread, bone app the teeth
5. This breakfast competition:
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
6. This truth about fortune cookies:
Fortune Cookie: YOU JUST BROKE MY HOUSE IN HALF AND NOW YOU'RE READING MY JOURNAL
7. This Subway joke:
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
8. And this one too:
Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches
9. This unfortunate mix-up:
FACEBOOK IS ABSOLUTELY INSANE
10. This missed opportunity:
.@Pringles HOW IS THIS A PUN. YOU COULD'VE HAD "PRINGLE BELLS" OR "MERRY CRISPMAS" YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS
11. This wannabe candy:
Reese's peanot boter ceup
12. This proof sexting and caffeine don't mix:
We just received a DM that just said "Wanna fuck?" and then a link. We cannot fuck anybody. We are a coffee shop.
13. This fruit-tastic pun:
[at SunMaid farms with a guy] Guy: so is this a date? Girl:... No? These are raisins
14. This profound realization:
Honestly thought someone was just super excited about the drinks machine
15. This perfect coincidence:
16. The perfect after-work cocktail:
A little something to take the edge off
17. This important simile:
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
18. This historic tidbit:
hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine
19. This tweet about pancakes:
do you want to have a few pancakes, you wuss, or do you want to get real
20. This truth about avocados:
Avocado: not ripe Avocado: not ripe Avocado: not ripe Avocado: I'M RIPE NOW Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
21. This tweet about avocados, too:
*whispers to an avocado* "I'm the good kind of fat, too."
22. The truth behind the grossest vegetable:
It's called "celery" because "cold, wet plant bones" takes too long.
23. This incredible cinnamon roll:
why my cinnamon role look like ET bus a nut
24. And finally, this picture that accurately describes anyone who has enjoyed food ever:
8 hours after you started your new diet, then realized the Lord made you and ur body in his image & doesn't make mi… https://t.co/VKShIkmMqj