Going to the beach is one of those things we all PRETEND to like but deep down it really sucks. You're dodging kamikaze seagull poop, sand gets everywhere (and I mean EVERYWHERE), the public restrooms are like a (very shitty) portal to hell, and you have to PRAY that the one weird dude with a metal detector doesn't come too near your towel.
When us plebes suffer through a visit to the beach, we normally just rock whatever swimsuit we can pick out first, grab a towel, and throw on a pair of flip flops and hope that we don't get eaten by a shark.
But if you're Stefani Joanne Angelina I'm Not Releasing A Music Video For "The Cure" Germanotta (aka Lady Gaga)...you can't just slap on a $19.99 one-piece you got from Forever 21 and call it a day. Oh no, sweetie. You need to give the fish and lifeguards a SHOW.
You see, Miss Joanne is in Miami this week for her current world tour and decided to visit the beach. Let me tell you...Florida (and my poor gay heart) was NOT ready for Hurricane Gaga to hit this hard.
Let's break down the tape, shall we?
Listen, I'm obviously here for the glimmery, flowing coverup. And the oversized sunglasses? I need a remake of Scarface with Gaga as drug lord Toni Montana ASAP.
And don't even get me STARTED on the metallic bikini. I'm a card-carrying homosexual but...Miss Gaga has me FEELING things!
But the real show stopper is Gaga's high heels...on the beach. If anyone else tried to do this they'd twist their ankle and end up in the ER. The sheer physics of it all are ASTOUNDING.
Forget the other pop girls, Gaga is coming for Ariel and Ursula's wigs (and seashell bras for that matter). And every damn seagull and dolphin in Miami are officially Little Monsters now.
Suddenly, I stan the ocean. Lady Gaga? She did THAT.