Before we get started, let's be clear: You clicked on this link by your own free will, unless you were momentarily possessed by the demonic spirit of Jonathan Cheban. So that means no complaining about how there's another Kardashian article on BuzzFeed.
You're probably aware of this week's big celebrity news. Khloé Kardashian has given birth to a baby girl, her first child! But what should be a happy event has turned sour amidst allegations the baby's father, Tristan Thompson, has been CHEATING on Khloé. It's all very messy.
But how did we (Khloé, Tristan, and the rest of us who continually get played by Kris Jenner like puppets) get here? I'm here to fill in the blanks. So buckle your seat belts and fill your lips in with some "Say No More" Kylie Lip Kit, because our tale Kris-krosses the globe from the mean streets of Calabasas to the shining lights of Cleveland.
Our story begins in August 2016, when relationship rumors first begin swirling. Khloé and Tristan are both spotted leaving celebrity hotspot Bootsy Bellows in a span of a few minutes. TMZ also catches the two at a mansion in Beverly Hills with one another.
In September 2016, the two vacation in Mexico for Labor Day. "Romantic trip to Cabo" in celebrity parlance means things are heating up fast, FYI.
That same month, Khloé and Tristan start officially stepping out in public together. They hang out at Flo Rida's birthday party in Miami, a Drake concert, and with Kris. Yup, at this point Khloé's mom (and the only reality TV business expert I'd ever vote for for president, *wink*) has met the BF.
But because this is the Kardashians we're talking about, you know there has to be a dramatic plot twist that even Shakespeare couldn't dream up. All while things are heating up with Khloé, Tristan is expecting a child with ex-girlfriend Jordan Craig. SHE IS IN THE THIRD TRIMESTER WHILE ALL THIS IS HAPPENING, FYI.
*ALSO* in October 2016, Khloé posts this picture with her hand over Tristan's (he's an NBA champion, she's an Instagram champion, it all checks out)...
...and she shares more pictures of the couple together, like this Halloween 2016 shot where she's dressed as Storm and he's Black Panther.
Khloé continues to take the relationship public through November. In an interview with Jimmy Kimmel, she discusses how much she's been enjoying spending time in Cleveland (FWIW, save your jokes because Cleveland people LOVE Cleveland...it's a thing).
And she's not just talk! Khloé spends Thanksgiving in Ohio with Tristan, helping out at a Turkey Drive on the holiday.
December 2016 is a big month for all parties involved. On December 9, Khloé's divorce with Lamar Odom is finalized.
A few days later on December 12, Jordan gives birth to her son with Tristan, Prince Oliver Craig Thompson.
And after celebrating Christmas Eve (at her mom's legendary party) with her family in California, Khloé flew to Cleveland to spend the holiday with Tristan.
Some serious gifts were exchanged!
As if leaving California in December to fly to OHIO didn't scream their relationship was serious, Khloé told James Corden in January 2017 that she and Tristan have used the "L" word (love, you dummies) with each other. Okurrrrrrrrr!
Fast forward to March, Khloé throws a "gold-themed" birthday party for her man.
Also this month, Tristan appears for the first time on Keeping Up With The Kardashians during the Season 13 premiere, although the episode would have actually been filmed in September 2016 at the beginning of their relationship.
In April, Khloé continues to gush about Tristan in an interview with ES Magazine, saying his "normalcy is what I was craving."
In June 2017, Tristan throws Khloé a birthday party. I have nothing to add other than the infamous Kardashian photo booth (yes the one with the AMAZING lighting that makes your face look FLAWLESS) is there.
A few weeks later, as Mariah notes, some behind-the-scenes action goes down. Khloé and Tristan announce to their families that they're expecting. This takes place on August 25.
A month later, TMZ breaks the news that Khloé is expecting. If TMZ reports something........it's true.
Just a few weeks after Khloé's pregnancy news breaks, Tristan pulls some shady shit. On October 7, the basketball star is caught in a compromising position on camera with two women. BUT, the footage doesn't leak until this week!
Where was Khloé when Tristan was having his basketballs dribbled? Flying from Cleveland back to L.A.!
But to the public, everything seems to be going fine. For Halloween 2017, Khloé dressed up as Daenerys Targaryen and Tristan as Khal Drogo.
On December 20, Khloé finally announces her pregnancy with Tristan (on Instagram, DUH).
Let's skip a few months to March 2018. Khloé has a baby shower (which is #SponCon, of course, thanks to Amazon).
That month, she also reveals she's expecting a baby girl!
Which brings us to the events of this week (DRUMROLL, PLEASE).
At the beginning of this week, Khloé posted this picture to Instagram with the caption, "We are ready whenever you are little mama," which everyone seemed to believe meant that her delivery was imminent.
AND THAT'S WHEN SHIT HIT THE FAN. Footage of Tristan with another woman from this month PLUS the October footage leaks and...it's not good.
Interesting enough, Jordan Craig posted this note to her Instagram story, seeming to indicate she was not here for anyone who said what was happening to Khloé was karma.
And hell and Calabasas froze over, because Khloé's former enemy Amber Rose also took to Instagram to seemingly show support for the mom-to-be.
And that brings us to our final destination (FOR NOW), today. Khloé has given birth to a baby girl. Tristan was there for the delivery, along with Kris, Kim, Kourtney, and Khloé's BFF Malika according to TMZ. My only question is.........what happens next?! Only time (and Kris Jenner as E! News' "source") will tell!
Anyway, WHEW, that was a lot of information to process. Kongrats to Khloé, men are trash, and I need a mother-Krissing DRINK! Anyone want to join me?
h/t CNN and OG Kardashian expert Mariah Smith over at The Cut