::5 a.m.: ALARM BLARES::
1. UGH. Is it time for swim practice AGAIN?
2. And I was just dreaming about swimming. Or maybe it was a nightmare? Whatever. I can’t escape the pool.
::Drives to swimming pool, blaring pump-up music to wake self-up/prepare for the agony of jumping into an ice-cold pool.::
3. Most of my friends are still asleep right now. UGH.
4. I can’t believe I am here again. I’m tired, cranky, and hungry. And I don’t want to swim.
5. Whatever, I have the heart of a champion. No sport is tougher than swimming. FOOTBALL PLAYERS ARE PANSIES.
6. AT LEAST I WILL FEAST AT THE END.
::Changes into bathing suit while trying not to fall asleep.::
7. It’s amazing how I spend most of my day half-naked around everyone, and it’s just NATURAL.
8. And we’re all like, really hot. #Blessed
9. Should I pee now? Nah, I’ll just pee in the pool.
10. I need to get a kickboard and pull buoy.
11. Why are there only red kickboards left? I hate the red kickboards. I only like the blue ones.
12. This is a crime against humanity. My day is already ruined because I didn’t get a blue kickboard.
13. Can someone flip my cap for me? Someone? Anyone?
14. Thank you. ::Friend flips cap.:: OW OW OW OW.
::Dips toe into pool::
15. AHHHH THAT IS FREEZING. THAT IS ARCTIC. THIS IS WATER FOR A POLAR BEAR.
16. I’m not getting in.
17. OK maybe if I get in gradually it will feel better. Or maybe I just need to jump right in.
18. OK, I’m going to jump right in.
19. I’m going to do it. 3,2,1…
20. OK wait. I’m going to jump in at the top.
21. Just kidding, I have to wait for that girl to do a flip turn and get out of my way.
::COACH IS BELLOWING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS TO GET IN THE POOL IMMEDIATELY.::
22. Alright already, I’m getting in, I’m getting in!
::Jumps into pool, but only from the waist up, holds arm over the head.::
23. OMG I’M IN THE WATER HERE WE GO.
24. OK maybe I’m being a little dramatic, it’s not that cold.
25. OK I’m going under AHHH wait that feels so good!
26. How are my goggles already foggy? I haven’t even swum a 50 yet.
27. Ugh, I am so over practice already.
28. What do you MEAN today is a test set day? My body is not ready. MY BODY IS NOT READY.
29. Like, I feel PERSONALLY victimized that I will have to swim 10 100s for time.
30. Oh wait, coach was kidding. PHEW. That was a close call.
31. OK, kicking time. With the red kickboard I hate so much.
32. Why is the person swimming in front of me so slow? Let me try and swim around them…
33. Whoops nope nope nope someone is coming the other way. PASS.
34. Ugh and now I have people swimming behind me are up my ass. THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS DAMN LANE.
35. Oh great, now my goggles are leaking. Maybe if I swish them around a bit I can get rid of the fog…
36. Ugh and now I have to pee.
::Pees in pool.::
37. This pool is 50% chlorine, 50% water, and 50% urine.
38. And maybe sweat. Am I sweating right now? It feels like I’m sweating right now. I have to be sweating right now.
39. That’s because I literally feel myself getting STRONGER. FEEL THE BURN.
40. STROKE SET. #DYING
41. Freestyle counts as a stroke, right? RIGHT?
42. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO SWIM BUTTERFLY???
43. THIS IS AMERICA I AM A FREE PERSON AND I SHOULD BE ABLE TO SWIM WHAT I LIKE.
::COACH SCREAMS TO START SWIMMING BUTTERFLY.::
44. OK, fine, I’ll swim fly.
45. I have taken three strokes and my arms already feel like they are going to fall off. Pray 4 Me.
46. Seriously, who INVENTED butterfly? It is the WORST.
47. OMG OW MY ARM JUST HIT THAT OTHER SWIMMER’S ARM AND NOW IT REALLY IS GOING TO FALL OFF.
48. Ah, backstroke. Now I just need to tug on the lane line and make sure the coach doesn’t see…
49. And thank goodness for breaststroke. You might as well call it BREATHstroke because you get to breath every time, am I right ladies?
50. How am I so thirsty if I am in a pool? It doesn’t make any sense.
51. I wish I could drink pool water. Well, I practically do because of Tommy in the next lane splashing all that water over into our lane.
52. When do we leave? On the 20 or on the 30? Why can’t I count?
53. Wait we were supposed to leave five seconds ago? CRAP.
54. How much more time do we have in practice?
55. HALF AN HOUR??????
56. Please let’s just work on starts and turns. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
57. Or even better, let’s just play Sharks & Minnows.
58. Oh, a sprint freestyle set? I’m cool with that.
59. OMG what if there was a shark in the pool? I am so thankful there is not a shark in the pool.
60. I wish I were a mermaid. Or a dolphin. Then swimming would be SO much easier.
61. Because lord knows I cannot handle myself outside of the water.
62. My hair is so gross. Like, it is permanently stringy and dry. Thanks chlorine!
63. And speaking of chlorine, I will always SMELL like a pool, even when I am not in one.
64. Thank GOD practice is over. Now I need to go eat my weight in food.
65. SERIOUSLY I AM SO HUNGRY GIVE ME FOOD OR GIVE ME DEATH.
66. Being able to eat so much food and still look SO good is easily the BEST part of swimming.
67. I am so tired. And I am so hungry. And I reek of chlorine.
68. But I’ll still be back for practice tomorrow.
- Donald Trump's campaign chief Stephen Bannon said "he doesn't like Jews," according to his ex-wife.