1. The answer to the question "What's wrong" is not "I hate you all" but "Nothing!" or "I'm fine"; practice your delivery because you will be asked this question a lot.
2. If you want someone to stop talking to you, totally ignore them.
3. If that doesn't work, deliver your strongest resting bitch face.
4. If all else fails, you need to just tell them off — you don't have time for other people.
5. If social decorum calls for you to actually INTERACT with other people, your best bet is to be as passive-aggressive as possible.
6. Avoid going to public places like Target on the weekend. You'll go, and you'll just want to throw a set of $2.99 hangers at every screaming toddler you see.
7. Every time you hear something that displeases you, you are required to either roll your eyes or stare at the speaker like they are a fucking idiot.
8. For legal purposes, it is preferable to imagine yourself throwing a drink at someone, as opposed to actually doing it.
9. On that note, avoid going to bars on weekends, unless you feel like having an absolutely miserable time.
10. Or, if you are obligated to go, drink copious amounts of alcohol, because the only way you find people tolerable is when you are inebriated. White wine is preferable, but vodka will do the trick too.
11. The above policy also applies to family holiday functions. If necessary, carry a flask with you.
12. Always drive in the far left lane because there will be fewer cars and thus, fewer stupid drivers. Also, we know you're hauling ass.
13. Although shoving people is more fun, just speed up and walk around slow walkers on the sidewalk.
14. Pray every night for Starbucks to start instituting a policy where there is a line exclusively for people who have their shit together.
15. When you talk to people, say as little as possible, and control your voice. Speaking smoothly is MUCH more terrifying than screaming at anyone.
16. Never, EVER leave your house without your three most important weapons: iPhone, sunglasses, and ear buds.
17. When in doubt, whip out your cell phone and pretend that you are texting someone. Works EVERY time.
18. The most important word in your vocab starts with "F" and ends with "UCK." It's not fire truck. It's fuck.
19. Don't just sign up for Netflix, but get an HBO GO and Hulu password as well so you have something to do when you avoid people on the weekends.
20. Making up fake, vague plans is the preferable way to avoid hanging out with people. In a worst-case scenario, pretend you have the cold.
21. In order to take out your stress, start playing a sport or pick up an activity. Of course, it should not involve anyone else.
22. Avoid smiling at people. It makes them think you want to talk to them, and also causes wrinkles.
23. You may hate people, but the key to survival is finding a close group of friends who hate everyone else just as much as you do.
24. And finally, the answer is always "no."
