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We Need To Talk About How Absolutely Disgusting Hawaiian Pizza Is

We need to get this off our plates — literally and figuratively.

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Friends of the internet, it's high time we discussed a food item that has besmirched the good name of pizzas everywhere for far too long.

Fox

ENOUGH.

You know what I am talking about.: Hawaiian pizza. This "food" is disgusting, and any self-respecting pizza connoisseur should never, ever order one under any circumstances.

Just look at that picture. It belongs on Fear Factor.
Jamespearsell / Getty Images

Just look at that picture. It belongs on Fear Factor.

It's a commonly known fact that pizza is the best food in the world. That much is true.

Literally everyone with taste buds knows this.
Plan B

Literally everyone with taste buds knows this.

Pizza is *ALSO* one of those rare foods that even when it's objectively "bad" compared to standard pizza, it's still DELICIOUS. Cold pizza, hot pizza, gourmet pizza, cheap pizza: IT ALSO TASTES AMAZING.

Just give us ALL the pizza.
instagram.com

Just give us ALL the pizza.

There's really only one way to fuck pizza up: the toppings. You can't screw up the crust, because CARBS. You can't screw up the cheese, because CHEESE. And the sauce is the sauce.

By deductive reasoning, that leaves the toppings as a critical component of a pizza's success.
instagram.com

By deductive reasoning, that leaves the toppings as a critical component of a pizza's success.

As a rule of thumb, toppings should complement the pizza pie without overwhelming your taste buds. Hawaiian pizza, with its ham and pineapple, fails miserably at this.

FOX

DELETE IT.

You see, pineapple belongs many places — a fruit salad, a tropical cocktail, and maybe one other reason that I'm conveniently forgetting because this is a family site — but a pizza is certainly not one of them.

Pina Colada? YES. Pizza Colada? NO.
Boarding1now / Getty Images

Pina Colada? YES. Pizza Colada? NO.

The sweet juices of the pineapple make the cheese all soggy and the crust all mushy. YUCK.

Just stop.
instagram.com

Just stop.

Additionally, the sugary tropical flavor absolutely overwhelms the flavor of the pie. I mean really, what makes pineapple so special? Name another fruit you'd willingly put on your pizza. I'M WAITING.

I thought so.
instagram.com

I thought so.

Additionally, ham is also low-key an ingredient that should never, ever be on a pizza. Are Italians known for their ham? NO. They're known for PROSCIUTTO, which is frickin' DELICIOUS and puts regular ham to shame.

Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Etienne Voss / Getty Images

Look at your life. Look at your choices.

If you really want some meat on your pizza, prosciutto or that old standby pepperoni will absolutely do the trick. Leave the ham for your elementary school lunch sandwiches.

And even then I am sorry.
Purestock / Getty Images

And even then I am sorry.

To top that all off (pun intended) we need to talk about how Hawaiian pizza isn't even from Hawai'i. It was invented in CANADA of all places. Quit lying to us, Hawaiian pizza.

YOU ARE UNDER OATH IN THE COURT OF GOOD TASTE.
Zerbor / Getty Images

YOU ARE UNDER OATH IN THE COURT OF GOOD TASTE.

So to wrap things up, do yourself a favor and never, ever order a Hawaiian pizza, because it is truly EVIL.

FOX

Thank you for your time.

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