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We Need To Talk About How Absolutely Disgusting Hawaiian Pizza Is

We need to get this off our plates — literally and figuratively.

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You know what I am talking about.: Hawaiian pizza. This "food" is disgusting, and any self-respecting pizza connoisseur should never, ever order one under any circumstances.

Pizza is *ALSO* one of those rare foods that even when it's objectively "bad" compared to standard pizza, it's still DELICIOUS. Cold pizza, hot pizza, gourmet pizza, cheap pizza: IT ALSO TASTES AMAZING.


There's really only one way to fuck pizza up: the toppings. You can't screw up the crust, because CARBS. You can't screw up the cheese, because CHEESE. And the sauce is the sauce.

By deductive reasoning, that leaves the toppings as a critical component of a pizza's success.

You see, pineapple belongs many places — a fruit salad, a tropical cocktail, and maybe one other reason that I'm conveniently forgetting because this is a family site — but a pizza is certainly not one of them.


Additionally, the sugary tropical flavor absolutely overwhelms the flavor of the pie. I mean really, what makes pineapple so special? Name another fruit you'd willingly put on your pizza. I'M WAITING.

Additionally, ham is also low-key an ingredient that should never, ever be on a pizza. Are Italians known for their ham? NO. They're known for PROSCIUTTO, which is frickin' DELICIOUS and puts regular ham to shame.

If you really want some meat on your pizza, prosciutto or that old standby pepperoni will absolutely do the trick. Leave the ham for your elementary school lunch sandwiches.

To top that all off (pun intended) we need to talk about how Hawaiian pizza isn't even from Hawai'i. It was invented in CANADA of all places. Quit lying to us, Hawaiian pizza.