1. The hottest wizarding dating app would be called Lumos.
2. The most popular spell would be to re-create Snapchat filters on yourself IRL.
3. Butterbeer would come in the sizes tall/grande/venti.
4. Emojus would be a spell that would cast your house’s emoji into the air.
5. Celebrities who are secretly wizards: Adele (Gryffindor), Taylor Swift (schemes with the Slytherin), Lin-Manuel Miranda (Ravenclaw), and Rihanna (gets stoned with all the Hufflepuffs).
6. Most of the Kardashians are definitely Muggles, though.
7. Kim, however, is a witch. Khloé is definitely a Muggle though.
8. Favorite songs by house: “Cheap Thrills” by Sia for Ravenclaw, “Cool Girl” by Tove Lo for Slytherin, “One Dance” by Drake for Gryffindor, and “Needed Me” by Rihanna for Hufflepuff.
9. Arthur Weasley would be fascinated by GIFs: “Muggles have OUR pictures now?”
10. But he’d REALLY lose his shit over the iPhone 7.
11. Harry Potter’s glasses would be Warby Parkers.
12. They’d also be those black-frame oversized hipster glasses.
13. Lavender Brown would invent a spell to magically contour your face.
14. Robes would have holes on purpose to look more ~distressed~ and vintage.
15. Death Eaters would wear clown masks to appear terrifying.
16. Draco’s mom, Narcissa, would be a cast member on the magical reality show The Real Witchwives of England.
17. Hermione would have a charm that would magically refill cans of Pamplemousse LaCroix.
18. She’d also have a hex ready for when boys asked her to smile.
19. Everyone would label Ron a “fuckwizard” (basically a magical fuckboy).
20. The Weasley twins would get in trouble for home-brewing IPA in their dorm rooms.
21. The hottest wizarding picture to upload to social media would be a pool picture on one of those big floats that looks like a Hippogriff.
22. Herbology would actually be a really popular class because hipster wizards and witches would want to tend to their succulents properly.
23. The Knight Bus would be out of business, and the wizarding version of Uber/Lyft would take its place.
24. The app would be called Leviosa and witches and wizards would share broom rides.
25. A popular fitness trend would be SoulBroom (like SoulCycle but with flying broomsticks).
26. Luna Lovegood would brew her own Luna Lip Kits with questionable ingredients.
27. The Quibbler would write articles about all the things millennial witches and wizards have ruined.
28. Rita Skeeter would promote diet tea on her wizarding social media to make some spare change.
29. Younger students would refer to Professor Minerva McGonagall as MOM.
30. Wizards would be mad at all the “Trump is like Voldemort” jokes.
31. Viktor Krum would have his own shoe line: Kreezys.
32. Chocolate Frogs would be organic, artisanal chocolate.
33. The Haim sisters would perform at the Yule Ball (they’re witches, DUH).
34. All the common room and dorm furniture would be Ikea.
35. Nearly Headless Nick would be most offended by the Muggle dating term “ghosting.”
36. The bath products in the prefects’ bathroom would be Lush products.
37. All the Quidditch kits would be made of that Nike tech material.
38. Cedric Diggory would be hot because he had a hipster beard and an undercut.
39. The sweaters Mrs. Weasley made for Christmas would be considered cool because they look vintage and are oversized.
40. And Ron’s old dress robes would actually be in style.
41. “Not my daughter, you bitch!” would be turned into a wizarding meme.
42. Wizards and witches would use Howlers in the Great Hall to subtweet classmates they didn’t like.
43. And they all would eat avocado toast for breakfast.
44. The wizarding equivalent of sliding into someone’s DMs would be putting an invisibility hex on an owl and sending it to your crush with a note.
45. Hufflepuff winning the House Cup would be the equivalent of the Cubs winning the World Series.
46. Some students would use the time in Potions class to create new vapors for their vape pens.
47. Instead of portraits in the castle, they’d just be wizarding selfies with different filters.
48. And Neville would *STILL* end up really hot.