You’re single.You’re VERY single.You have not been on a date in the last month.You have not been on a date in the last SIX months.Your general hygiene is pretty lax.Like, you shave pretty irregularly.And if you ever skip a shower or brushing your teeth, it isn’t the end of the world.Also, there probably is that huge clump of hair in the drain of your shower.You fart, burp, and sneeze with reckless abandon.You’re comfortable pooping in places other than the comfort of your own home.That includes your office.You sometimes catch yourself talking to yourself.You FREQUENTLY catch yourself talking to yourself.You also sometimes talk to inanimate objects.Or animals (preferably cats) as if they are going to respond to you.You eat cereal straight out of the box.And peanut butter and Nutella straight out of the jar.And ice cream right out of the carton.Actually, your preferred method of eating is straight from the container.Also, you strongly believe in the five-second rule.Actually, if your food is on the floor for a little longer than five seconds, it’s not THAT big of a deal.You’ve perfected the art of cooking for one.Or, you just really make good use of your microwave.Or, you just order in. A lot.There are also probably a lot of dirty dishes in your sink.Like, maybe the delivery guy like, knows you by now.And if you get a little food on your clothes, it isn’t the end of the world.And you definitely get a little food on your face.And you most DEFINITELY have perfected the art of nonchalantly spilling your drink on yourself.You are ALL about your sweatpants.And your Snuggie.And you wear your sweater with the hood UP.Going to bars gives you anxiety.Like, you’d rather spend a Friday night in watching Netflix.Or curled up, reading a book.That’s because being around a lot of people gives you anxiety.Because you firmly believe people suck, in general.Also, you are an awkward dancer.You’re the single friend.Like, most of your friends are in relationships, and you’re still just flying solo.And maybe they act a little worried about your iron streak of singledom.And if they’re not, your mom is DEFINITELY concerned.But really, you have your excuses ready.Even if you yourself are concerned about always being a party of one.You live alone.And sometimes drink alone.And sometimes you walk around in your apartment/house/living space in your undies JUST BECAUSE.And you’re totally cool with it.That’s because when it comes to fucks, you give zero.Oh, and you have a cat.
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