An Irrefutable Ranking Of The Seven Days Of The Week

Not every day is created equal.

7. Tuesday

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What, isn't Monday supposed to be the worst day of the week, you ask? NOPE. Tuesdays are the Siberia of days: gray, bleak, and they fucking suck. Mondays are pretty bad too, but in a way, if your Monday really stinks, it's kind of a badge of honor. Remember, Monday is the first day after the weekend and thus is sort of a "repayment" period for all the atrocities that you may have committed in the previous few days. If you're riding the struggle bus on Monday, it is sort of a reminder (albeit an excruciatingly painful one) of how badass your weekend was. Tuesday, on the other hand, stands on its own. Like Madagascar is to Africa, Tuesday is far, far away from the approaching weekend. It really should be called POOsday.

6. Monday

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I mean, duh. No surprises here, it's not like Monday was going to be any higher on this list. If you have something less than a fiery resentment toward Monday you are firmly in the minority. However, Mondays aren't as bad as everyone makes them to believe. In the fall you have Monday Night Football and every now and then, you'll have Monday off for some obscure holiday (three cheers for President's Day!). Yeah, you have to get back to the daily 9-to-5 grind, but hopefully you can at least wistfully reminisce about the weekend's activities.

5. Wednesday

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HUMP DAY. Wednesdays are good and all, but they are highly overrated by contemporary standards. Like, sweet, we're halfway through the workweek? Crack open a beer! Except when else are you excited to be halfway through something? Lewis and Clarke didn't pop a bottle of bubbly when they were halfway across America because they still had to worry about fricking bears and wolves and other terrifying crap. So quit getting all jacked up about Wednesday. That being said, the weekend is in clear sight. It's OK to smile, but there are still two more days of draining 9-to-5 death.

4. Sunday

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Ah, Sundays. Sundays are like a mullet, but the opposite: Party in the front, business in the back. You can wake up whenever the hell you want, hungover as hell, and head to brunch with friends. But later in the day you'll probably have errands to do that you blew off on Saturday and come evening time, you're preparing for armageddon (more commonly known as the workweek). Basically, Sundays make do with the fact that the back half of the day is when your magical party monster self has to transform back into a real human being. Bonus points to Sunday for being far and away the best TV night of the week.

3. Friday

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Friday is like being hit by a glittery freight train of hard alcohol, poor decisions, and 3 a.m. drunk pizza. Yes, it is the last day of the workweek and yes, Friday night is the first night of weekend. That is an irrefutable scientific fact. Having said that, if not properly prepared, going hard on a Friday night is a guaranteed way to punch a one-way ticket on the Hot Mess Express. On one hand, your mind is ready to BOGO (black out or get out) while your body is probably exhausted from five days of work. Tread carefully because Fridays are not to be trifled with.

2. Thursday

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HAHAHAHA SURPRISE. Bet you didn't see this coming. Thursday is sneaky awesome. In case you haven't heard, Thursday is the new Friday — especially if you're in college. People love celebrating stuff way too early. Christmas season basically kicks off the minute you remove your Halloween costume and college is four years of keg stands and drinking games to commemorate your graduation. Likewise, people are eager to jump the gun on the end of the week and Thursday has been appropriately identified as the time to do so. Plus, "Thursday" is an awesome word. It basically sounds the exact same as "thirsty," so crack open your drink of choice and celebrate the imminent arrival of the weekend.

1. Saturday

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PRAISE. Saturday is literally everything you could ever want in a day: No set time to wake up, no commitments, no bedtime. You literally may as well call it YOLOday. It's a good thing there is only one Saturday every week because otherwise people would be dropping like flies. Saturdays as an adult are sort of like playing with Legos as a little kid: You can make them into whatever the hell you want. Feeling like Netflix in bed all day? Do it. Day at the beach? Go for it. Go to the gym and then head out with friends? Have at it. Saturday is THE day to let your freak flag fly, so don't waste a minute of it. Or do: It's totally your prerogative.