51 Thoughts I Had While I Watched "American Horror Story: Hotel" Episode 3
Oh good, Angela Bassett is here!
1. Oh good, going to visit the ghost of the crazy ghost of the murderous hotel owner. The things people would do for Evan Peters…
2. Black closet? I'm guessing this is headed south, fast.
3. Oh, a closet with a huge spike in it? And I thought MY closet was a mess.
4. "Owned, dad." How does handsome hotel owner's son KNOW what a "spank bank" is?!
5. Is it just me, or does anyone else wish murderous Evan Peters and crazy laundry lady had their own sitcom? Just me? OK, cool.
6. CUE THE CREDITS THAT WILL GIVE US ALL NIGHTMARES FOR DAYS.
7. Testament to how bad everyone is at making decisions on the show: The mom who did NOT vaccinate her son who now has measles and is in the hospital is actually one of the better parents on AHS!
8. I love Chloë Sevigny and I'm sorry she lost her son in Santa Monica, but can we hurry up this voiceover and get to the Lady Gaga part of the show?
9. I haven't lost my child in Santa Monica, but I CAN relate to Chloë Sevigny not picking up her phone. I mean it's 2015, who answers their phone anyway? Just text me!
10. Of course Scarlett's parents don't believe she saw her long-lost undead vampire ageless brother, because adults are stupid and they never trust kids.
11. Scarlet failed to mention the fact Holden nearly bit her face off when she tried to take a selfie with him…CONVENIENT.
12. Naomi Campbell is worried about getting Mario Testino out for a shoot when she really SHOULD be worrying about the fact she doesn't get cell reception in the middle of fucking L.A. COME ON!!!
13. Too bad Naomi didn't have her cell phone to throw at the crazy zombie guy who busted out of her mattress.
14. Why is eyebrows cop ALWAYS solving murders? Is there ever a day he spends giving out like, parking tickets or something?!
15. First the crazy male model complements Will Drake on how he smells, then he starts talking about how bad prison smells. He really needs to work on his flirting skills.
16. If Lady Gaga tells you not to murder someone so that you can drink their blood, you don't do it. Easy as that.
17. Not getting murdered seems like a pretty fair tradeoff for getting a serious case of blue balls.
18. Shouldn't the guy from New Girl have died in like, in the first episode?
19. OK, real talk. Why can some of the people see the ghosts in the hotel, but others can't? And to be fair…would you even WANT to see the ghosts?
20. "It's not like breaking one of the Ten Commandments." OH NO, SARAH PAULSON DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!!!
21. Oh great, hooking up in the haunted elevator. What a super romantic place to get it on.
22. SHIT the drill dildo guy is in the elevator too. How does this hotel not have zero stars on Yelp?
23. OK, loony Kathy Bates and Matt Bomer need their own sitcom together too.
24. Seems like there is some serious issues going on in between Matt Bomer and Kathy Bates. And Lady Gaga is involved? DRAMA!!!
25. Only Matt Bomer can get away with talking about shitting his pants at school and still seem attractive.
26. Matt Bomer and Kathy Bates are arguing about vegetarian cults and why he wished she let him die. My mom and I argue about me booking my Christmas flights home. Parents, man!
27. Oh HELL yeah, Angela Bassett in the HOUSE!!!
28. Chloë Sevigny is serving divorce papers??? Can anyone in this show catch a break? Even the Starks on Game of Thrones have better luck than the characters on this show.
29. Um, Lady Gaga, Will Drake is gay. Will Drake, you're gay. Why do I get the feeling that the two of you are about to hook up? And why is it so wrong, but feels so right?
30. Lady Gaga is so powerful, she can give a gay man a boner. Get her the Emmy, NOW!!!
31. LMAO, even Lady Gaga's character got screwed by Bernie Madoff. Gotta love the economy!
32. Now I ain't saying she's a gold digger…wait, no, Lady Gaga IS a gold digger.
33. Never trust a guy who has a wall in his apartment devoted to those things where he hangs up newspaper clippings, maps, and photos to solve a crime. NEVER.
34. Your wife just handed you divorce papers, and now you're hooking up and talking about having another baby? What is WRONG with everyone on this show?!
35. Naomi Campbell may be dead, but she lives on as a ghost, giving haunted bitchy fashion advice, and I'm here for it.
36. That's it, Holden is officially the creepiest character on this show.
37. "Don't haunt my hallways bitch" is what I'm going to say to my roommate from now on whenever they're driving me insane. Thanks, Sarah Paulson!
38. Angela Bassett could read me the Dollar Menu at McDonalds and I would be sitting on the edge of my seat, she's THAT good.
39. I need a GIF of Angela saying "I don't get on my knees for no man" ASAP.
40. Lady Gaga and Angela Bassett sitting at the same dinner table? I don't think I can handle this!
41. Wait, now they're getting it on? I need a rom-com starring Angela and Lady Gaga, immediately!
42. So, Angela Bassett plays an immortal, ageless badass actress. Which is basically who she is in real life, right?
43. Angela, I thought you knew better. No one, and I mean no one, messes with Lady Gaga and gets away with it. NO ONE.
44. Angela Bassett is trying to get rid of those crazy creepy vampire children? I'm here for it.
45. I need male Liz Taylor to give me a pep talk about my life.
46. Also, why does he say "AcTOR." Isn't it just "actor"? Whatever, I'm here for it.
47. "No pity party in my bar!" is what I'm going to shout every time I go out drinking on a Friday or Saturday night.
48. Kathy Bates can't even have someone kill her properly. She really can't catch a break, can she?
49. "Matt Bomer saves his dying mom Kathy Bates by turning her into a vampire while Sarah Paulson watches on" is not something I thought I would see in my lifetime, but it's AHS, so I guess anything is possible.
50. This show really knows how to end on a cliffhanger, doesn't it?
51. Seriously, can it be Wednesday of next week already? I need answers!!!