I Ranked The Songs On The "A Star Is Born" Soundtrack, And I'll Fight You If You Disagree

    Hair, body, face, for ya, I wrote this list for ya.

    Hello! It's been nearly two weeks since A Star Is Born has been released, and I still can't stop thinking about it. So, as part of my duties as described under The Gay Agenda (the document that governs the homosexual lifestyle) to promote the movie and Lady Gaga's Oscar chances, I decided to rank all the songs on the soundtrack.

    The Rules:

    — I ranked the version of the soundtrack WITHOUT the dialogue. I didn't feel like sullying this list with Alec Baldwin's presence.

    — I ranked songs on bop-ability, importance in the context of the movie, whether or not Lady Gaga was on the track (I'm gay, of course all the Ally songs are better!), and off of my impeccable taste in general.

    — There are two versions of "I'll Never Love Again" on the soundtrack, but they're pretty much the same, so I only counted it once on this list.

    — THE CUSTOMER IS NOT ALWAYS RIGHT. If you disagree, leave your bad opinions in the comments section below where I definitely won't be reading them.

    18. "Out Of Time"


    It's an instrumental song? I feel like by default, that means it needs to be the lowest-ranking song on this list.

    17. "Alibi"


    It's kind of loud, and like a not as good version of "Black Eyes"? IDK, I don't have a very strong opinion of this song and I just want to get to the songs with Lady Gaga.

    16. "Maybe It's Time"


    This just feels like it was written to BE the song Jackson Maine is most well-known for. The problem is, we don't see his career prior to the movie, so there's no earned history behind the song. Still, the "bad" songs on the soundtrack are like bad pizza — it's still pizza!

    15. "Too Far Gone"


    Listen, you didn't come here to read a post about Bradley Cooper's songs on this soundtrack. You and I both know that. So let's keep things moving right along...

    14. "Music To My Eyes"


    OK, great, we made it to our first track with Lady Gaga. This song is...fine. I kind of forget it's even on the soundtrack. It's cute, but you can't even really make a gay dance club remix version of this song, it's that mellow. On to the next...

    13. "I Don't Know What Love Is"


    I have a feeling this song will be chosen for a lot of first dances at weddings. Imagine five years ago, saying Bradley Cooper would be one half of an amazing love duet. Honestly, 2018 is wild.

    12. "Black Eyes"


    First song in the movie, the first time we hear Bradley Cooper sing (and he can SING!), and the first time we're in for an incredible ride. Pretty dang good!

    11. "Diggin' My Grave"


    Me before listening to this song: "The only country music I like is Dolly Parton and that one Beyoncé song on Lemonade."

    Me after listening to this song: "YEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAW!"

    10. "La Vie En Rose"


    Everyone has a moment where they go "Wait, Lady Gaga can SING," as if wearing crazy outfits precludes her from having an amazing voice. Some of us have SEVERAL moments in life. What's amazing about "La Vie En Rose" is the audience has the same experience as Cooper's character in that moment. Also, I need a dance club remix of this song ASAP.

    9. "Why Did You Do That?"


    In the context of the movie, this song is kind of a mess (thank you, Alec Baldwin and a tacky Saturday Night Live performance). Once you remove that association, this song goes off! Can't wait to bop to this one in the clerb. Also, it blesses us with the amazing new Gaga lyric, "Why'd you come around me with an ass like that?"

    8. "Look What I Found"


    A Star Is Born has inspired countless memes/jokes and it seems like more sprout up by the day. One of my favorites is the "I'm alone in my house," inspired by the opening lyrics of this song. Also, it's a catchy bop!

    7. "Heal Me"


    This is basically "The Cure" 2.0 — a very, very solid pop song. Gaga loves to dip her toes in every genre imaginable, but it still is really cool a decade into her career, she can craft mainstream pop magic.

    6. "Is That Alright?"


    "Is That Alright?" feels like it's halfway between Gaga's Born This Way and Joanne eras. She's arguably at her best on piano ballads in the vein of Elton John and Billy Joel. This is going to go down as a classic.

    5. "Before I Cry"


    This feels very much like Lady Gaga doing a Mariah Carey song, and as a gay man, I am very much here for it. It's so homosexual I'd guess it's Mike Pence's least favorite song on the soundtrack.

    4. "I'll Never Love Again"


    I'd venture a guess that when Cooper, Gaga, and the rest of the creative forces made this movie, they expected if one song was going to resonate most with audiences, it would be this one. The thing is, it almost feels they tried TOO hard to make it that way. The song is *amazing*, but there are a few that listeners are able to connect with more organically.

    3. "Hair Body Face"


    The best Ally Maine pop song on the soundtrack, and I will fight anyone who disagrees. HAIR, BODY, FACE, TRIPLE THREAT, DO IT FOR YA! Also, out of all the songs on this soundtrack, THIS would be the song I'd choose for my first dance at my wedding. Imagine the choreo...

    2. "Always Remember Us This Way"


    This is everything I *WISH* Joanne was. Raw, heartfelt, and you can tell Gaga dug DEEP for this one. Depending on the day, you could make the argument this song should have the top slot. But one song has had *slightly* more of an impact — and we're not far from the top spot now.

    1. "Shallow"


    Call me a local, but Gaga's "HAAA AH AH AH AH, AAAH AAAH, AH AH AH AH HAAA" will go down in cinematic history. Also, what I love about this song is EVERYONE loves it: gays, straights, old people, young people, people who wipe front to back, people who wipe back to front, EVERYONE. If I ever run for president, my #1 priority would be to make "Shallow" the national anthem, since it basically is the one thing that unites this country in these hyper-partisan times.

    Agree? Disagree? Wondering when we're going to get a sequel with Ally going on tour with Gail as her manager? SOUND OFF BELOW!