Photo Illustration by Matt Tucker, Getty / Rex/Thinkstock 1. As far as you’re concerned, this man is? Getty An ex-England football captain. Correct Incorrect An ex-England football captain. That man with the tight trousers who is sometimes on the television… didn’t he play rugga? Correct Incorrect That man with the tight trousers who is sometimes on the television… didn’t he play rugga? A ex-Newcastle United footballer. Correct Incorrect A ex-Newcastle United footballer. A sheet-metal worker’s son from Gosforth, who rejected Manchester United to score 206 goals for his hometown club and become the greatest player in Newcastle’s history. Correct Incorrect A sheet-metal worker’s son from Gosforth, who rejected Manchester United to score 206 goals for his hometown club and become the greatest player in Newcastle’s history. 2. March. Time to get dressed and go outside. Do you: Fetch your matching fur hat and coat. Correct Incorrect Fetch your matching fur hat and coat. Automatically change into shorts and a t-shirt until December. Correct Incorrect Automatically change into shorts and a t-shirt until December. Consider removing your ‘thermals’. Correct Incorrect Consider removing your ‘thermals’. Leave your coat behind. Correct Incorrect Leave your coat behind. 3. "Thor wes lots o’ lads an’ lasses there, all wi’ smiling faces / Gawn alang the Scotswood Road…" "…to see the Blaydon Races!" Correct Incorrect "…to see the Blaydon Races!" "…let’s get ready to rumble!" Correct Incorrect "…let’s get ready to rumble!" Are you talking Basque? How wonderful. Correct Incorrect Are you talking Basque? How wonderful. "…to see the bonny Angel!" Correct Incorrect "…to see the bonny Angel!" 4. The Bigg Market is? Where they trade cattle. And whippets. Correct Incorrect Where they trade cattle. And whippets. Newcastle’s biggest outdoor food market. Correct Incorrect Newcastle’s biggest outdoor food market. Where you go to get drunk and fight. Correct Incorrect Where you go to get drunk and fight. Where Cheryl Cole is from. Correct Incorrect Where Cheryl Cole is from. 5. You’re on a busy train and a slightly drunk stranger tries to start a conversation with you. Do you: Ask them for a can, and enjoy the craic until it’s your stop. Correct Incorrect Ask them for a can, and enjoy the craic until it’s your stop. Say as little as humanly possible, then pretend to go the toilet and change carriages. Correct Incorrect Say as little as humanly possible, then pretend to go the toilet and change carriages. Be polite, but try not to encourage him. Correct Incorrect Be polite, but try not to encourage him. Find the nearest train guard and inform them an anti-social disturbance is taking place. Correct Incorrect Find the nearest train guard and inform them an anti-social disturbance is taking place. 6. A little old lady is friendly when serving you in a shop. Do you: Say: “Cheers, pet!” Correct Incorrect Say: “Cheers, pet!” Say “Cheers, pet!” and cheekily ask her if she fancies a drink later. Correct Incorrect Say “Cheers, pet!” and cheekily ask her if she fancies a drink later. Smile politely, then double check your change. Correct Incorrect Smile politely, then double check your change. Feel happy, walk out, then spend a moment worrying you weren’t friendly enough in return. Correct Incorrect Feel happy, walk out, then spend a moment worrying you weren’t friendly enough in return. 7. ‘Parmo’ is? A rustic town in Southern Italy. Correct Incorrect A rustic town in Southern Italy. A football team in Europe. Correct Incorrect A football team in Europe. Canny, if you’re clamming. Correct Incorrect Canny, if you’re clamming. Something to do with kebab shops. Correct Incorrect Something to do with kebab shops. 8. When would a person be most likely to use the phrase: “Haddaway man gadgie I'm gan yem to me scratcha I'm paggered!” When chatting someone up. Correct Incorrect When chatting someone up. When declining a drink. Correct Incorrect When declining a drink. When greeting a friend. Correct Incorrect When greeting a friend. When delirious with some sort of awful disease. Correct Incorrect When delirious with some sort of awful disease. 9. Where can I get a good pasty? Pastry?! Don’t be disgusting! Correct Incorrect Pastry?! Don’t be disgusting! Cooplands. Correct Incorrect Cooplands. Greggs. Correct Incorrect Greggs. Cornwall. Correct Incorrect Cornwall. 10. What you having on those fish and chips? Fresh garden peas with just a hint of mint. Correct Incorrect Fresh garden peas with just a hint of mint. Just salt for me, thanks. Correct Incorrect Just salt for me, thanks. Gravy please! Correct Incorrect Gravy please! Scraps, gravy, vinegar and a smokey sausage. And maybe a pickled egg. Correct Incorrect Scraps, gravy, vinegar and a smokey sausage. And maybe a pickled egg. 11. What has been the greatest sporting event in Britain over the past 20 years? The 2012 Olympics. Correct Incorrect The 2012 Olympics. England winning the 2003 rugby world cup. Correct Incorrect England winning the 2003 rugby world cup. Andy Murray winning Wimbledon in 2013. Correct Incorrect Andy Murray winning Wimbledon in 2013. Newcastle 5 – 0 Manchester United 1996. Correct Incorrect Newcastle 5 – 0 Manchester United 1996. 12. Where does ‘the north’ begin? Islington. Correct Incorrect Islington. Northampton. Correct Incorrect Northampton. Manchester. Correct Incorrect Manchester. Leeds. Correct Incorrect Leeds. 13. What is the best view of St. James’ Park? Well that rather depends on whether one wishes to see the palaces. Correct Incorrect Well that rather depends on whether one wishes to see the palaces. Your sofa with Sky Sports on. Correct Incorrect Your sofa with Sky Sports on. The top tier of the Sir John Hall Stand. Correct Incorrect The top tier of the Sir John Hall Stand. The Gallowgate. Correct Incorrect The Gallowgate. 14. What is a ‘bobby dazzla’? A special laser pen used to shine in policemen’s eyes. Correct Incorrect A special laser pen used to shine in policemen’s eyes. Someone who looks great (or thinks they do). Correct Incorrect Someone who looks great (or thinks they do). A extremely sharp outfit. Correct Incorrect A extremely sharp outfit. An 80s comedian, last seen doing the rounds at Butlins. Correct Incorrect An 80s comedian, last seen doing the rounds at Butlins. 15. Any finally, which is the greatest city in the world? London. Correct Incorrect London. New York. Correct Incorrect New York. Paris. Correct Incorrect Paris. The fucking Toon, pet! Correct Incorrect The fucking Toon, pet!
