How Geordie Are You?

1. As far as you’re concerned, this man is?

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An ex-England football captain.

That man with the tight trousers who is sometimes on the television… didn’t he play rugga?

A ex-Newcastle United footballer.

A sheet-metal worker’s son from Gosforth, who rejected Manchester United to score 206 goals for his hometown club and become the greatest player in Newcastle’s history.

2. March. Time to get dressed and go outside. Do you:

Fetch your matching fur hat and coat.

Automatically change into shorts and a t-shirt until December.

Consider removing your ‘thermals’.

Leave your coat behind.

3. "Thor wes lots o’ lads an’ lasses there, all wi’ smiling faces / Gawn alang the Scotswood Road…"

"…to see the Blaydon Races!"

"…let’s get ready to rumble!"

Are you talking Basque? How wonderful.

"…to see the bonny Angel!"

4. The Bigg Market is?

Where they trade cattle. And whippets.

Newcastle’s biggest outdoor food market.

Where you go to get drunk and fight.

Where Cheryl Cole is from.

5. You’re on a busy train and a slightly drunk stranger tries to start a conversation with you. Do you:

Ask them for a can, and enjoy the craic until it’s your stop.

Say as little as humanly possible, then pretend to go the toilet and change carriages.

Be polite, but try not to encourage him.

Find the nearest train guard and inform them an anti-social disturbance is taking place.

6. A little old lady is friendly when serving you in a shop. Do you:

Say: “Cheers, pet!”

Say “Cheers, pet!” and cheekily ask her if she fancies a drink later.

Smile politely, then double check your change.

Feel happy, walk out, then spend a moment worrying you weren’t friendly enough in return.

7. ‘Parmo’ is?

A rustic town in Southern Italy.

A football team in Europe.

Canny, if you’re clamming.

Something to do with kebab shops.

8. When would a person be most likely to use the phrase: “Haddaway man gadgie I'm gan yem to me scratcha I'm paggered!”

When chatting someone up.

When declining a drink.

When greeting a friend.

When delirious with some sort of awful disease.

9. Where can I get a good pasty?

Pastry?! Don’t be disgusting!

Cooplands.

Greggs.

Cornwall.

10. What you having on those fish and chips?

Fresh garden peas with just a hint of mint.

Just salt for me, thanks.

Gravy please!

Scraps, gravy, vinegar and a smokey sausage. And maybe a pickled egg.

11. What has been the greatest sporting event in Britain over the past 20 years?

The 2012 Olympics.

England winning the 2003 rugby world cup.

Andy Murray winning Wimbledon in 2013.

Newcastle 5 – 0 Manchester United 1996.

12. Where does ‘the north’ begin?

Islington.

Northampton.

Manchester.

Leeds.

13. What is the best view of St. James’ Park?

Well that rather depends on whether one wishes to see the palaces.

Your sofa with Sky Sports on.

The top tier of the Sir John Hall Stand.

The Gallowgate.

14. What is a ‘bobby dazzla’?

A special laser pen used to shine in policemen’s eyes.

Someone who looks great (or thinks they do).

A extremely sharp outfit.

An 80s comedian, last seen doing the rounds at Butlins.

15. Any finally, which is the greatest city in the world?

London.

New York.

Paris.

The fucking Toon, pet!