1. First off: remember, no one ever, ever got laid because of a T-shirt.
2. Ever.
3. No one is going to fall for it.
4. Seriously, mate, give it up.
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5. In fact, steer away from any allusion to sex at all. Yup, even 'funny' puns.
6. Or stupid jokes that make no real sense.
7. Certainly don't refer to your own penis!
8. Seriously. Just don't.
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9. Oh, so you're disrespecting a classic album now at the same time. Well done.
10. Reminding the world of the fact you masturbate will have no beneficial consequences whatsoever.
11. Trust us.
12. It's always a good idea to check the back of a T-shirt before you buy it.
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13. If you're rude, people will be able to tell without the help of your tee.
14. Same goes if you have a terminally pessimist outlook on life.
15. Or if you're just hostile in general.
16. Or if you have a problem with flatulence.
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17. Avoid cheap knockoffs — they tend to be pretty obvious.
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18. Or anything homemade by your jealous partner.
19. And beware the perils of creasing.
20. Tucking in.
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21. And accessorising in general.
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22. If you are going to go for a funny/ironic T-shirt, be careful it doesn't make you look stupid later on.
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23. Y'know, when your kid starts asking questions.
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24. Or your grandmother.
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25. Or the authorities.
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26. Yup.
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27. Oh dear.
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28. Just try to find a T-shirt that compliments you.
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29. Because it's a good fit. Good luck!
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