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"Hocus Pocus" As Told By People Who Have Never Seen It

Witches be crazy.

1. Hocus Pocus starts with this little girl — let's name her Lil Witch Girl — coming out of her closet with her new Halloween costume.

2. But her older brother — let's call him BuzzKill McBuzzKiller — is like, "Girl, this is some bullshit."

3. She wishes her brother could just suck it up for one night and enjoy Halloween with her instead of being a ~moody~ teen.

4. But he can't stop his raging teenage ~moody~ hormones, so she's like, eff you.

5. And decides to put a spell on him, because it's Halloween, so...yeah?

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Also, she's clearly mature enough to understand the concept of virginity, so idk.

6. So someone with a fab manicure has to annoy a book in order to do some magic who was all like "I guess, if I have to."

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Dat creepy eye tho.

7. The book wakes up this guy who's kind of like the cool skateboarder of the dead, and he knows a lot of secrets.

8. So, Cool Skateboard Zombie sneaks Lil Witch Girl into the cellar of this funky house to totally turn up this Halloween.

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9. Three witches pop out! One's obsessed with age...

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10.'s obsessed with looks...

11. ...and one's obsessed with food. Classic women!

12. Lil Witch Girl has been waiting all night to get turnt, so she's excited that her ~*GaL pALs*~ have finally arrived.

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13. But clearly the three witches are already #tooturnt when they get there because they start seeing Satan and Medusa.

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14. Lol jk, they saw people in costumes because it's Halloween!!! What a unique idea!!!

15. And the eldest sister decides to throw S H A D E at all of the stupid outfits.

16. But the people in the dumb costumes overhear her sass and decide to hurt 'em up real bad, which sort of spooks them out.

17. "What're we gonna do?!"

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18. "DIE!"

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19. But they don't die! They survive to turn up another day, and maybe actually help Lil Witch Girl with her annoying brother BuzzKill.

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20. Turns out, he actually loves his little sister a lot. He just gets scared by all the skeletons hanging around. And after last night, he's scared right to death.

21. So, the sisters magically adopt Lil Witch Girl, since that seems fitting anyways.

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22. They'll love and provide for her to the best of their abilities...


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