61 Ways To Tell If You're A Real New Yorker
The F train has “F’d” you.
You know you're a New Yorker when...
1. You can walk past a full-grown man on the street, wearing nothing but his very small underwear, and not even bat an eye.
2. Your wardrobe shifts to mostly black or dark colors.
3. You rush everywhere even if you have no reason to.
4. You get sidewalk rage because people walk too slowly.
5. You redefine "uptown" to mean north and "downtown" to mean south.
6. You can eat on the subway and not care if other people think it's weird.
7. You run into people you know on the train all the time and it's terrible.
8. You know to stay away from the fake monks who get all pushy and put some dumb trinket in your hand and then keep holding your hand while demanding $20 from you.
9. Your only feelings about Times Square are hatred and loathing.
10. You get in your first screaming fight with a cab driver.
11. You can bump into someone when you're walking and not take the time to say "sorry."
12. You know that if it snows, Manhattan itself will look like snow missed it, but the rest of the boroughs are covered for weeks.
13. There's a coffee cart guy you talk to more than your mom.
14. You see the price of a beer on an airplane and think to yourself, "That's not actually that bad."
15. You have a complete mental catalogue of available public restrooms in each neighborhood below 42nd St.
16. You no longer smell that "hot trash" smell. That's just a normal smell.
17. You visit friends in other cities and can't help but prance through "ALL THAT SPACE!" with total awe.
18. You've swept your hand wide while introducing guests and said "and it even has a closet!"
19. You have survived a blackout or two.
20. You get nostalgic about the bar you used to go to that's now a Duane Reade, and the restaurant you went on a date at that's also now a Duane Reade, and the cute little bookstore that's shut down where there's a sign saying "Coming soon: Duane Reade."
21. Every other city seems pretty small in comparison.
22. You've pushed an old lady out of the way to get on a crowded subway.
23. You have a pre-walking regimen on the subway platform so that you're in the correct train car for your destination.
24. You've been banned from the Time Warner store for kicking over a table.
25. You know where the best happy hours are.
26. You've gotten rid of all the nice things you used to own (vinyl records, clothes, sports stuff, art stuff) because storage in the city is laughable at best.
27. You know what side of the train you can lean against the door on because it is only going to open twice out of like 15 times on your way home.
28. You ~cannot~ walk as slow as everyone else does when you travel outside New York.
29. You're almost hit by a cab driver and instead of being alarmed and flustered, you just throw him the bird and start yelling at him for CLEARLY not abiding by the "pedestrian has the right of way" rule.
30. You feel the specific anger of waiting in line to swipe at the subway turnstile behind someone who DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO SWIPE.
31. You cross the street when it is "OK" to cross the street and not when the crosswalk sign changes to the walk guy.
32. You shrug whenever anyone says, "Oh my god, you live here in the big city?!"
33. You start referring to NYC only as "Garbagehole."
34. You've lived in more than five apartments.
35. You've mastered alternate side parking.
36. You've fallen down a flight of subway stairs in the winter.
37. You've asked a bachelorette party to stop.
38. You look down at your Sunday reading and realize at least three publications have the word "New York" in it.
39. Advertising for a "reach-in" closet doesn't seem sad anymore.
40. You feel immense pride for having a dishwasher and take care to point it out to any and all visitors.
41. You think, Awwww! instead of Ewwww when you watch a pair of rats chase each other on the subway tracks.
42. Your personal goal is to be cool enough to be photographed by HONY.
43. You've earnestly said, "I'd kill for laundry in my building."
44. You only go out to bars during the weekdays because the weekends are for the bridge-and-tunnel crowd and they scare you.
45. You can't remember the last time you drove a car.
46. You legitimately have a strong familiarity with a pretty large number of neighborhoods across the city.
47. The F train has "F'd" you.
48. You cry on the sidewalk or subway and don't care if other people see you.
49. You cried on the subway and a nice German lady across from you gave you a tissue and an Andes mint and you felt like life would, if anything, continue.
50. You think [insert ridiculous rent figure here] is a great deal.
51. You look up a restaurant's health grade before ordering from it on Seamless.
52. You no longer recognize personal space or get bothered that people are touching you on the subway.
53. You slam your fist onto a cab's hood and yell at them to fuck off when they're about to hit you.
54. You've seen a homeless guy jerking off onto an ATM at the Chase on Smith between Baltic and Warren and been completely unfazed by it.
55. A friend of yours whose wife woke him up in the middle of the night to say she was going into labor responded to her by saying, "But I just got a great fucking parking spot."
56. You have more than five bodegas that feel like "yours."
57. You were able to give someone directions successfully.
58. You automatically know how to get anywhere by subway, or at least have a pretty reasonable automatic guess.
59. You've lived here for six years, unless you were born here.
60. You've stopped caring about everything.
61. You realize and accept how little you actually know about the millions of humans who share your city.