1. Girl who posts listings in a 3rd person narrative
She thought it would be a great idea to write that listing in the third-person because it illustrates how much fun you’re going to have together in story-form! While having a roommate who likes you is a plus, having a roommate who wants to spend every waking moment with you is not. Those first few nights out on the town were fun, and hell, you even enjoyed yourself when she took you to her favorite boba place. Now? You find yourself hiding in your room, still and silent, hoping that if you play dead she’ll stop knocking. You’ve made up a part-time job so you can hang out with other friends and your real job? Well, that’s long gone since she started making threatening phone calls to the front-desk when you wouldn’t answer her ‘Hang out later?’ texts.
2. The creative commune
They’re a collection of five 420-friendly individuals who are looking to add another member to their group. It could be fun, sure. But it won’t be. As awesome as a communal garden, no rules, and a giant house covered in art sound, it’s not going to be all that it’s cracked up to be. $2000 in wasted rent and an arrest warrant later, you’ll find out that your roommates didn’t inherit the house and were, in fact, squatting.
3. The unsure girl
She’s maybe moving to Denver with her boyfriend, maybe not. Either way, she needs someone to sublet her apartment in the short-term. Any amount of time from 1-7 months. Maybe. She’s not sure if she’s going to do it, yet. She’ll get back to you. Oh, first and last month’s rent plus the deposit are due before even inquiring about the rental.
4. A million people to a bedroom group
Remember college when you lived in a dorm for the first time? Sharing a bathroom with like 40 other kids, arguing over what time to shut the light off, passive-aggressively leaving notes to take world’s tiniest garbage can out. Ah, the memories. Now remember later in college when you lived in a giant house with your best friends? Stuff got stolen at parties all the time, people were basically always drunk, and the house was constantly a mess. Now, take these two things, combine them, and make them with people you don’t know and/or like. This is what living in this house will be like. Except much, much worse. Because you won’t be drunk all the time. You’ll be sober and trying to press your dress shirts for the job you desperately need while some guy who sleeps on an air mattress in your kitchen yells about how the steam from the iron wakes him up every morning, which will in turn wake everyone else up securing your place in the 3-person-to-a-bedroom apartment as the ‘inconsiderate one.’
P.S. You’re going to become a pro at taking moist towelette showers in the Starbucks bathroom since you share yours with 10 people.
5. The ‘no’ to everything guy
Seems nice enough. Spacious apartment, cheap price, good neighborhood. Does it seem too good to be true? That’s because it is. Non-smoker? Okay, not an issue. No pets? Okay, pretty standard. No alcohol in the house? I guess I can just go to the bar… No noise above a whisper between the hours of 4pm and 11am? Ummm. This guy isn’t looking for a roommate, he’s looking for an investor in his apartment who just happens to sleep there sometime. Misery loves company, I guess.
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