If You Stress Eat, These Are Your Magical Powers

Not everyone can master the dark art of making giant bowls of pasta disappear.

1. You can vanish an entire bag of movie popcorn.

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By the end of the opening credits, not a single kernel remains.

2. You can turn food into fire.

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Without even looking, you can magically turn your one-minute meals into flames.

3. You can eat in your sleep.

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After midnight and mid-REM cycle, you can still consume the leftovers you meant to save for lunch tomorrow.

4. You can pull snacks out of thin air.

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"And now, for my next trick..." [pulls cheeze doodle from two days ago out of hair]

5. You can escape from the most powerful restraints.

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Diets, mealtimes, a lack of money.... no chains can stop you from breaking free to find food.

6. When you accidentally stress-eat your roommate's food...

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"Accidentally."

7. ...you can purchase a duplicate to replace it faster than they can say "Where'd my cookies go?"

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8. You can levitate your blood sugar.

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With a single work deadline, you can make your glucose defy gravity.

8. You can bring food back from the dead.

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You have the power to summon even the most freezer-burnt mystery meats back to life.

9. You can perform alchemy.

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Ice cream + crackers. Potato salad + pie. You can purify insane food combinations to create stress-feasts.

10. You can hypnotize your friends into eating with you.

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"You're getting hungry. Veeeeery hungry."

11. You can heal pain instantly.

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Time may heal all wounds eventually, but you can do it faster. With ice cream.