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    100 Ryan Reynolds Tweets That Deserve Their Own Wing At A Museum

    "I can go from researching a cramp on WebMD to coffin shopping in under 90 seconds."

    1.

    2.

    Nothing better than the simple joys of finding 5 bucks in an old pair of pants, or discovering my wife and I had a second daughter over a year ago.

    3.

    So cute. Asked my mom out to lunch and she yelled, "Squad-Goals!". I laughed pretty hard before never ever seeing her again.

    4.

    Different hair colors. Ryan Gosling has light BLOND hair. And Ryan Reynolds is a cunt. https://t.co/L7BZnh1cGD

    5.

    Having matching donor organs in case anything happens to me is a true blessing. #HappyFathersDay

    6.

    I can go from researching a cramp on WebMD to coffin shopping in under 90 seconds.

    7.

    8.

    If I were a Life Coach, the first thing I'd do is let all my clients know they've just hired a Life Coach, so it's already too late.

    9.

    Can’t decide between a midnight blue minivan with all wheel drive and foldable rear seats or a coffin.

    10.

    You can tell me. We’re married. You once drove me to the hospital when you were giving birth. So... what the fuck happened to Emily? https://t.co/W5vWQI9TVr

    11.

    My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.

    12.

    The Founding Fathers would be stoked to know we had a Scurvy-free MTV Awards this year. Also, Epcot. They'd be impressed with Epcot Center.

    13.

    Jeff, if there was a fire and I had to choose a family member to save, obviously it’d be me. But if I had time to save one more, you can be damn sure I’d call the fire department. They’re experts in the field and have vast experience in these matters. I love you. Happy Birthday. https://t.co/uBVkia6N4g

    14.

    No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.

    15.

    I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

    16.

    My infant daughter's traumatized for life. 50 Shades of Grey = Worst fucking coloring book ever.

    17.

    Just want to wish Billy Ray Cyrus the most special, magical birthday ever. I love you with all my heart. Also, Happy Birthday to my wife.

    18.

    Went to Disneyland because my daughter's obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.

    19.

    My kids tried to surprise me for my birthday this morning. I totally heard them coming and snuck out to start a new life somewhere else.

    20.

    Zayn isn't on the Graham Norton show with me anymore. I'll still go... But obviously I got my lips done for nothing. #DeadpoolDoesLondon

    21.

    For starters, I'm https://t.co/2a2dxVo7tu

    22.

    The mobile above my daughter's crib is just a whole bunch of NuvaRings. So she remembers how lucky she is.

    23.

    Turns out Game of Thrones is NOT historically accurate. Apologies for calling my idiot 6 year old nephew an imbecile.

    24.

    Tip: It's important parents take little "time outs" for themselves too. Even if you feel pretty guilty when you return 14 years later.

    25.

    Siri just read this out loud to my daughters. Happy Thanksgiving. https://t.co/X5IBjPWuqp

    26.

    My daughter gets so pumped watching Disney films. She loves that they all have singing, dancing and a part when the parents die.

    27.

    When checking out of a hotel, it's fun to say: "The fire resistant carpet deserves some sort of Fire Resistant Carpet Award!"

    28.

    Can someone settle an argument between me and my priest? Which Kardashians are pregnant?

    29.

    I'm making an oil painting of my sister, Sarah. And it's more difficult than I thought because I don't have a sister.

    30.

    Tinder isn't a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

    31.

    I used the expression "no chill" at dinner last night and my brother demanded to know if I was a virgin.

    32.

    Stop typing with your scrotum. https://t.co/ayL9xRCKP8

    33.

    I'm still trying to get out of dinner meetings I had years ago.

    34.

    And I'm knitting you a beautiful set of matching testicle cozies, you gorgeous fuck-muffin. https://t.co/SCPz8iL88b

    35.

    Nothing better than spending an entire morning staring into my baby daughter's eyes, whispering, "I can't do this".

    36.

    I’ve seen #AQuietPlace twice in one week. SEE THIS FILM! @johnkrasinski and #EmilyBlunt are my new parents. Congratulations, Ryan.

    37.

    Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

    38.

    Thank you @MTV for an unforgettable night. Don't care what the doctors say... These two incredibly heavy trophies make gorgeous earrings.

    39.

    Love to know where the discarded hair is and how it might be purchased. It's not for a friend. It's for me. https://t.co/1cCcd3ECcL

    40.

    Just putting spare change in these expired parking meters. https://t.co/Qeb4pcRdG2

    41.

    Sick and tired of NFL football rudely interrupting these Papa John's Pizza Commercials.

    42.

    Amazing day... Weird how they write the name in ALL CAPS. Like I'm yelling at all the nice people walking by. For eternity. https://t.co/CgTVA382e5

    43.

    Yes. Let's make America "just okay" again. https://t.co/IqnbHIvOvo

    44.

    Finally saw Batman V Superman. I misunderstood the marketing because this wasn't a celebrity sex tape.

    45.

    The guy sitting next to me on the plane placed a tiny chocolate on his tray table. He waited like, 7 hours to eat it. Enjoy hell, fuck-face.

    46.

    What's better than a 12 hour drive with a screaming 1 year old? Not including hepatitis.

    47.

    V-Day is soon! Nothing says romance like an anonymous note with the words, "You're Next" written all creepy and child-like. #helpful

    48.

    My daughter loves being buried up to her neck in sand at the beach. Her little face lights up when I come back to get her the next day.

    49.

    People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel.

    50.

    You've come to the right place, Dirk. Celebrities are the gold standard for relationship advice. https://t.co/Lxx5ju8rDw

    51.

    The word, "alleged" adds intrigue to anything. "This alleged candy is yummy." "My alleged brother is hog-tied in my van, crying for help."

    52.

    Two bran muffins and a jet-black coffee. You're welcome John. https://t.co/Ocu4uGGh50

    53.

    Mr. President: Is there a sustainable, long term plan for carbon reduction? And if so, why would Zayn just leave? https://t.co/1HezPZCUlW

    54.

    Just read this to her. She wants to know how many teeth you have. She's gonna make a necklace. https://t.co/taLDsBcmZf

    55.

    Weirdest thing about drinking a 52 ounce Big Gulp from 7-11, isn't the enormous sugar rush, but the fact you go straight to Hell.

    56.

    Ask your doctor if you qualify for an extension. A 4th, possibly even 5th trimester can be very peaceful for the father. Congrats. https://t.co/CTdyI66in3

    57.

    I'm currently lost in prayer. Maybe later. https://t.co/88kUQfdLZx

    58.

    After this morning's diaper, my daughter finally earned the teardrop tattoo on her face.

    59.

    Airplane toilets are aggressive. It wasn't until I got back to my seat that I noticed my pants and testicles were missing.

    60.

    Being a Dad isn't just about eating a huge bag of gummy-bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word hero.

    61.

    "Hurt" by Johnny Cash. Good luck making love with that song stuck in your head.

    62.

    Whoever invented pants probably brings it up in like, every conversation ever.

    63.

    LinkedIn - thanks for occasionally sending me email reminders every single minute all the time forever.

    64.

    Tough call. Continue watching election coverage - or tickle fight with a starving adult lion.

    65.

    Happy birthday to my baby girl! Sad I lost my virginity. But thankful I have a daughter.

    66.

    In the morning, I like to let the dogs out and sing, "Who let the dogs out" before punching myself in the face as hard as I fucking can.

    67.

    If pure anxiety was an Olympic sport, I'd feel really fucking anxious about all the gold medals I just won like a BOSS.

    68.

    Being a father means responsibility. Not just for your main family, but also the secret one in Denmark nobody knows about.

    69.

    Pretty sure it's my wife writing most of those. Sounds like her. https://t.co/V8wnAo19az

    70.

    Satan is gonna take it from here. https://t.co/I4oBU5A6of

    71.

    Paint one mural of Zayn on the hood of your car using gold leaf and real hair, and suddenly you're "obsessed".

    72.

    When someone's describing the route they took to work that day, I never know when the best moment is to take my life with fire.

    73.

    This morning, my daughter said, "quiche" which means she's smart, hungry and an asshole.

    74.

    The best part about spending the afternoon at Disneyland in 100 degree heat is passing away in front of so many children.

    75.

    I watched Frozen without my two year old this morning. Despair reveals itself in many forms.

    76.

    If people are gross enough to send dick pics, at least have the courage to use a face-swapping app.

    77.

    On our 6am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it's in heaven, visiting daddy's freedom.

    78.

    The taxi driver switched off Adele -- mid song. Either his life is perfect, or he has three days to live. No middle ground there.

    79.

    Couldnt agree more. Gluten Free cigarettes are still very bad for you. https://t.co/AHZ52Bz4Ya

    80.

    I sometimes confuse watching political coverage with swan-diving into a swimming pool filled with liquid rabies.

    81.

    Aww. Just planting fresh flowers at a local community center right now. https://t.co/FElu93uTrD

    82.

    On Fathers Day, my daughter smiled at me. It was all the gift I needed as I packed a bag and left for 6 years to write a book on parenting.

    83.

    Remember, I was named Ryan long before it never became cool.

    84.

    85.

    I'm teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it's mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point.

    86.

    There’s a scene in the film where Deadpool tells your girlfriend to break up with you. I didn’t think she’d take it seriously. I’m so sorry. Still friends? https://t.co/M6nGFipl3j

    87.

    I can't turn back time, but it appears CPR is actually administered through the mouth.

    88.

    The best thing about finishing a 105 ounce slurpee from 7 Eleven is the look on Satan's face.

    89.

    If doing a kilo of prayer, then watching every episode of Touched By An Angel means I do drugs. Then sure. https://t.co/jKKOYEe9OR

    90.

    It's 2016. I'm not going to start drinking regular milk just because some asshat has a problem with public breastfeeding at the beach.

    91.

    I can't tell the difference between meditation and silent inner shrieking.

    92.

    I'd like to visit North Korea. The "Dennis Rodman" North Korea. Not the real one.

    93.

    I gave this 3 months. Tops. I was wrong. https://t.co/gxXSdACQ1X

    94.

    LOVE dressing my daughter in baby clothes. The itsy-bitsy pink pajamas. The tiny white socks. The black leather mask. Cuteness overload!

    95.

    When the elevator abruptly stops, it's good to let your fellow passengers know the coffin has enough air for at least an hour.

    96.

    It's important kids eat 5 servings of vegetables daily. Even if childhood is just a dress-rehearsal for extraordinary adult suffering.

    97.

    Coincidentally, I ran into @RealHughJackman at his coffee shop, @laughingmanco after I followed him there.

    98.

    Selecting a lower back tattoo for an infant is easy. Finding someone willing to do the work is challenging. https://t.co/8IcMRo21fw

    99.

    Many years ago, my father forgot to put on his thinking-condom. https://t.co/LDLajmOQgE

    100.

    That's disgusting. https://t.co/P8Wga8BErQ