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    The 50 Greatest Quotes From The Office, In Order

    That's what ~they~ said.

    Hi! My name is Samantha and I'm a superfan of The Office. I've watched the complete series 16 times.

    Michael puts his foot on Jim's desk
    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    I don't entirely understand why — truth be told, I didn't really like the show when it was on the air. But when my life gets difficult, which it often does, I turn to the series for comfort. Watching one episode turns into a season, and within a month or two I've finished it off again. 

    In total, I have spent about 1,200 hours watching the show...or about as much time as a person who works full time spends at work between January 1 and the last week of July.

    The simplest answer as to why I keep doing this is that I love television, and The Office is a well-written, well-acted show so chock-full of meticulously crafted detail you could probably keep watching it forever and still keep noticing new things.

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    But, I know I'm not alone in turning to this series again and again.

    When Pam's voiceover ends the finale, saying "there's a lot of beauty in ordinary things, isn't that kind of the point?," I've always thought this was the writers' way of admitting this was what they were doing all along: turning banality into something fantastic.

    And, with apologies to Susan Sontag, here's the thing about banality: it's *always* in the present. It's just magic like that. Heck, it's probably why you're here ~right now~. And just like how, with time, things become liberated from their original meaning, time can also turn stuff that was once boring or trite into something special. The Office does this with its own universe over the show's nine-season run, but this is also the reason why, the more time that goes by, the more we're able to savor the show in all its whacky, screwball genius.

    I just watched the series all the way through again, solely so I could gather the 50 all-time-greatest quotes from The Office — just for you!

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    It took me four weekends *and* a full work-week of eight-hour days just to get through all 73 hours, and another two full days making GIFs. (The things I do for y'all, sheesh...)

    I included the episode numbers and timestamps, as they're given on NBC's new streaming service, Peacock.

    So strap on your hydration backpack and do one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel, because here's all the great quotes — in chronological order!

    1. "I think that pretty much sums it up...I found it at Spencer Gifts." — Michael Scott (holding a mug reading "World's Best Boss")

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 1, Episode 1: "Pilot" (2:40)

    The first three scenes set up the rest of the series so beautifully and the mug is such a great metaphor for Michael himself. As to whether he's a master manipulator or lives just lives in a fantasy world...that's up to you. 

    I know this doesn't have to do with the quote, but Steve Carrell's acting in this scene is *amazing*. I love when he makes eye contact with the camera and almost breaks at the end. 

    2. "Uh...nope. Nope. This isn't the surprise. It's surprising because you didn't expect it, but you will...you'll know it when you see it." — Michael Scott

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 1, Episode 3: "Health Care." (16:28)

    Classic Michael weaseling...and a brilliant cop out, IMHO.

    3. "Could you mean a vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered." — Meredith Palmer

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 1, Episode 3: "Health Care" (17:32)

    The first season gets pretty raw sometimes.

    I had this conversation in real life and it was...cringey, to say the least. Anyone who really depends on their health insurance knows how frustrating it is to deal with the people who are actually in charge of it, and how little they seem to know (or care) about what you actually need. 

    Also, Kate Flannery's straight-faced delivery here is flawless.   

    4. "No, no... 'cause then the ice melts and it's, like, ~second drink~." — Pam Beesly

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 2, Episode 1: "The Dundies" (13:41)

    Pam and Jim are so in love here. I've always imagined Pam drinks so much because she knows she wants to be with Jim and wants an excuse to finally indulge her real feelings; I'd imagine she's also really anxious after standing up to Roy (I would be!). 

    "Second drink" could mean so many things. Is it a metaphor for how Pam is acting, after Roy's departure (and maybe the alcohol) thawed her usual caution? Is Jim the "second drink" in her love life, only there once her attachment to Roy melts away? Maybe. It's also just a really great line.

    Fun fact: this episode was filmed on location at a Black Angus Steakhouse, near the Panorama City Mall in LA. It closed right before filming, so they could decorate it however they wanted; it was torn down shortly after. The site sat vacant for over a decade and now has an Aldi supermarket on it. My dad shops there.

    5. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 2, Episode 6: “The Fight” (21:13)

    Hilarious nonsense, or proof that Michael is really a sociopath? Even though he denies it in the season four premiere ("Fun Run"), Michael obviously *does* have a compulsive need to be liked, and *will* resort to hurting other people to distract from his mistakes and save face...so you be the judge.

    6. “If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I’d ever been here. And I’d forget, too.” — Ryan Howard

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 2, Episode 13: "The Secret" (12:03)

    As an older millennial, it's almost embarrassing how often I can relate to Ryan. But, to be fair, who hasn't had a job like this? 

    I love the detail of the empty desk drawer. 

    7. "Boy have you done lost your mind, 'cause I'll help you find it!" — Stanley Hudson

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 2, Episode 18: "Bring Your Daughter To Work Day" (8:31)

    Best Stanley line ~EVER~.

    8. “I want you to rub butter on my foot… Pam, please? I have Country Crock.” — Michael Scott

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 2, Episode 12: "The Injury" (6:50)

    What a baby! I love how Pam just bats him away. Oh, also, PSA: don't put butter on a burn.

    (BTW, this is from the episode where we learn Michael eats six slices of bacon ~every morning~.)

    9. “I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.” — Michael Scott

    NBC

    Season 3, Episode 2: "The Convention" (8:53)

    I think this is the best one-liner in the whole series.

    10. "Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high-pitched note and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor. And, uh, Pam called it… pretendinitis.” — Jim Halpert

    NBC / Via Peacock

    Season 3, Episode 3: "The Coup" (3:57)

    Kind of a mean UwU there, Jim. Brilliant, though.

    11. “I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But on pretzel day? Well, I like pretzel day.” — Stanley Hudson

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 3, Episode 5: "Initiation" (6:37)

    Classic Stanley gripe. It's nice that he drives his daughter to school.

    Also right after this, Kellie is telling Michael about "Lazy Sunday", and he looks really annoyed and disinterested, but then he makes a parody of it three episodes later.  

    12. "Dwight, you ignorant slut!" — Michael Scott

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 3, Episode 20: "Safety Training" (15:45)

    In case you were wondering when Michael says this all-time classic line, here you go. There is a stunning array of Etsy merch with this quote on it.

    13. "Bears. Beets. Battlestar Gallactica." — Jim Halpert

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 3, Episode 21: "Product Recall" (0:46)

    Jim obviously loves Dwight (and if it were up to me, I'd have shipped it!).

    14. “Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are too flashy, so I’m forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.” — Angela Martin

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 3, Episode 22: "Women's Appreciation" (17:04)

    Probably Angela's best one-liner in the whole series. 

    The set-up is also priceless, when she leaves the table in a huff, disgusted by hearing about Michael's sex life...like she's can't stand the thought of someone having sex, despite the fact that she does it with Dwight all the time (often *in* the office!). The fact she's having a trans panic about Michael cross-dressing is also really ironic, since Michael is something of a transphobe. I imagine the documentary crew asked her why she needed to "go to the doll store" — calling her out on her hypocrisy — and this is her deflection.

    This is from such a great scene, in general. The line comes just after Michael and the women of the office start discussing Michael's sex life with Jan...and I could totally see her emasculating him as part of some kind of sadistic power game, up there with her recording them doing it to critique Michael's form, and making Michael sleep on a bench at the foot of their bed (as revealed in season 4, episode 12: "Dinner Party"). Also Karen's comment about schoolgirl fantasies — "Oh, that's a pretty common one." — has always made me wonder...why did she say that?

    15. “I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” – Kevin Malone

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 3, Episode 23: “Beach Games” (4:52)

    OMG, me too Kevin. (What?! I love hot dogs. Sue me.)

    16. “Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.” — Michael Scott

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 4, Episode 1: "Fun Run" (8:54)

    I love it when The Office makes real life seem just as absurd as the show. I was hit by somebody with their car twice this year (long story), and this pretty much sums up their reaction...both times.

    17. “Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.” —Michael Scott

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 4, Episode 1: "Fun Run" (11:29)

    This episode has a lot of classic lines.

    18. “I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.” —Michael Scott

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 4, Episode 5: "Local Ad" (13:43)

    Michael often lets his racism and sexism slip out through insipid dog-whistle comments like "this is not my music." This is Michael at his most Karen...not, like, Rashida Jones's Karen, but the "I want to speak to the manager" / "Help, bird-watcher!" kind. He can't stand the idea of the branch being represented in any voice aside from one that reflects his own sensibilities, especially not by Darryl, and lashes out.

    I love how Darryl just belittles Michael back, leaving him to his own devices. 

    The final version of Michael's commercial uses "Chariots of Fire," reminiscient like Donald Trump's bonkers intro at the 2016 Republican National Convention.

    BJ Novak wrote this episode, BTW, and I think it's the best one of all of the ones he wrote, which is really saying something because his credits also include the following classics: "Diversity Day", "Sexual Harassment", "The Fire", "Boys and Girls", "Initiation", "Safety Training", "Chair Model", "Prince Family Paper", "Dream Team", "Happy Hour", "Counseling", "Threat Level Midnight", "The List", and "Free Family Portrait Studio".

    19. Michael Scott: “I think you’re over-thinking it.” Jim Halpert: “I think you’re under-thinking it."

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 4, Episode 6: "Launch Party" (8:53)

    Probably Jim and Michael's G. O. A. T. back-and-forth.

    20. “Darrell Philbin is the most complicated man I've ever met. I mean...who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of a game is that?” — Kelly Kapoor

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 4, Episode 8, "Money, Part 2" (7:53)

    Classic Kelly.

    21. (Dwight plays Bon Jovi's "You Give Love A Bad Name" on the recorder) "Man, Angela really had a hold on him." — Pam Beesly

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 4, Episode 8: “Money, Part 2” (11:37)

    "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame / You give love a bad name (bad name) / An angel's smile is what you sell / You promise me Heaven, then put me through hell / Chains of love got a hold on me / When passion's a prison, you can't break free." — Bon Jovi

    They make fun of Pam for being cliché a lot in the first few seasons, and here she's quoting the song Dwight is playing verbatim...and almost in time with the music....as a sincere observation. Then again, Dwight is being entirely sincere by playing the song, so it's also kind of touching. They have some kind of deep connection that, frankly, eludes explanation.

    Also, fun fact: the cat Andy gives Angela to win her affection in this episode is ~the same one~ Dwight tried to give her in a previous episode, then released into the Vance Refrigeration office. He'd named the cat Garbage. That's why he's sitting next to the dumpster. 

    22. “I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.” — Michael Scott

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 4, Episode 8: “Money, Part 2” (14:39)

    Classic Michael, and probably Steve Carrell's cleverest one-liner ever.

    There really are trains running near The Office set, which was in an actual office building in the San Fernando Valley, on a cul-du-sac that runs along railroad tracks. (If you look at the 2011 Google street view, you can see them getting ready to film; move the camera a little and you can see Dwight's Trans-Am!). But I'm pretty sure this scene was taped in LA's Griffith Park, where there's a train park for kids. Fitting. (Also, weird flex, but I'm 90% sure I saw them filming this scene while commuting to work in 2007). 

    23. “I don’t talk trash, I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: 'Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet.' But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: 'You’re ugly and I know it for a fact ’cause I got the evidence right there.'” — Kelly Kapoor

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 4, Episode 12: "The Negotiation" (4:59)

    A stunningly brilliant treatise on language. Also, she's basically saying as long as she stays in the moment she can get away with just about anything — which is also Michael's strategy for trying to win friends by manipulating people.

    BTW, it's in this episode, during the deposition, that we learn that Jan was trying to have Michael demoted earlier in the series.

    24. "I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV. Check it out. I actually hung this on the wall myself. I want to show you something: a lot of people in the room, you need more space, viola, right into the wall." — Michael Scott

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 4, Episode 13: "Dinner Party" (5:11)

    This is my all-time favorite quote, from my favorite The Office episode. Steve Carrell's almost-deadpan delivery is masterful. And Jan's faces are priceless, especially when you can see her trying so hard to stop herself from breaking the whole time, and she just ~barely~ keeps it together. (Why doesn't Melora Hardin get more credit?)

    25. “It’s like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong, and if you don’t like it, you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I’ll say it to my next one, too.” — Stanley Hudson

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 4, Episode 16: "Did I Stutter?" (8:18)

    A great line from an incredible episode. Leslie David Baker's delivery is what really makes it, though.

    26. "The real crime, I think, was the beard.” —Oscar Martinez

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 4, Episode 19: "Goodbye Toy, Part 2" (3:27)

    Savage, but true.

    27. "I have a warm blanket and several cozy pillows. I read a chapter of a book and then it's lights out by 8:30.That's how I sleep at night." — Angela Martin

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 5, Episode 1: "Weight Loss, Part 1" (12:27)

    The second-best Angela quote in the series (right after the one about wearing doll clothes — another deflection from being called out for her hypocritical behavior).

    28. "I wonder what people like about me. Probably my jugs." —Phyllis Vance

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 5, Episode 2: “Weight Loss, Part 2” (11:28)

    Phyllis Smith (the actor) does deadpan raunchy so well.

    29. "Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them...or he quits because they are unfair." — Andy Bernard

    NBC

    Season 5, Episode 2: "Weight Loss, Part 2" (15:29)

    Oh, Andy.

    30. “Oh, I don’t think it’s blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do, so I won’t tell everyone that she’s cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.” — Phyllis Vance

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 5, Episode 11: "Moroccan Christmas" (2:24)

    Phyllis is probably the only person in The Office who's more manipulative than Michael. But I still don't think she's the most toxic character: that honor goes to David Wallace, who punishes Jan for her affair with Michael and transfers Holly out of spite.

    31. "My philosophy is basically this, and this is something I live by, and always have, and always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you're with or...or where you are going, or where you have been, ever, for any reason whatsoever." — Michael Scott

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 5, Episode 12: "The Duel" (11:01)

    Pure poetry.

    32. “Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way, like an improv conversation....an improversation.” – Michael Scott

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 5, Episode 12: “The Duel” (11:39)

    100% relatable, Michael. 

    Also it's so fun to watch Michael make a fool of himself and then try to cover for it with a weakly rationalizing, self-aggrandizing joke.

    33. “It’s true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people. But the doctor said, if I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die.” — Stanley Hudson

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 5, Episode 14: "Stress Relief, Part 1" (8:20)

    Also, excellent montage. I love Stanley so much.

    34. “And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.” — Michael Scott

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 5, Episode 14: "Stress Relief, Part 1" (9:17)

    Do you think Michael ever suffers from Imposter Syndrome?

    35. “Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout.” — Phyllis Vance

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 5, Episode 26: "Casual Friday" (4:30)

    Another winner from Phyllis Vance, Queen of Mean.

    36. “I got six numbers. One more and it would have been a complete phone number.” — Kevin Malone

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 6, Episode 5: "Niagara, Part 2" (20:58)

    Kevin is an eternal optimist, which might be why he's such a terrible gambler. Also, as someone who's worn wigs to cope with hair loss, I really appreciate how much fun Kevin has with it...

    37. “I am Beyoncé, always.” — Michael Scott

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 6, Episode 25: "The Chump" (8:36)

    ~Flawless~ comeback, Michael. 

    38. “You guys I’m, like, really smart now. You don’t even know. You could ask me, ‘Kelly, what’s the biggest company in the world?’ And I’d be like, ‘blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah.’ Giving you the exact right answer.” — Kelly Kapoor,

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 7, Episode 1: "Nepotism" (5:27)

    This episode aired while I was auditing a course at Yale, and about to start grad school. I'm pretty sure this is what I looked like to everyone in *my* office, and consequently hated this joke so much.

    Now I'm using my art history training to make GIFs for the Internet, so...pretty on-point, looking back. 

    39. “I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out.” – Kelly Kapoor

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 7, Episode 2: “Counseling” (6:22)

    Me, all the time.

    40. “I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket, in a blanket.” — Kevin Malone

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 7, Episode 8: "Viewing Party (17:07)

    Kevin is the most ambitious person at Dunder Mifflin. Prove me wrong. 

    41. "I have a dream, and it's not some MLK dream of equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there’s a button that I can press and launch that lighthouse into space.” — Stanley Hudson

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 7, Episode 9: "WUPHF.com" (7:13)

    In the finale we learn Stanley has moved deep into the swamp, so he can be left alone. Live that dream, buddy.

    42. “I wanna do a cartwheel. But real casual-like. Not enough to make a big deal out of it, but I know everyone saw it. One stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.” — Creed Bratton

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 7, Episode 13: "The Ultimatum" (13:15)

    Screwball perfection.

    43. “I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working.” — Michael Scott

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 7, Episode 20: "Training Day" (20:25)

    Excellent wordplay, 💯.

    44. “As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it just feels good to be represented on one.” — Phyllis Vance

    NBC

    Season 7, Episode 22: "Goodbye Michael, Part 1" (16:09)

    This scene alludes to a real erotic cake shop in LA's Little Ethiopia: Regal Erotic Cake Gallery, at 1066 S. Fairfax. It closed in 2016. I actually lived a few blocks away at the time, but never tried the cakes because of an allergy.

    45. "Why waste time use lot word when few word do trick?" —Kevin Malone

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 8, Episode 2: "The Incentive" (1:04)

    Sage advice. (I agree with Oscar, for the record. Kevin definitely becomes a caricature of himself on purpose, I think to get more screen time.)

    46. “We have a gym at home. It’s called the bedroom.” — Phyllis Vance

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 8, Episode 9: "Mrs. California" (10:33)

    This is in the scene where Dwight tries to get folks to sign up for his Gym For Muscles, and the ways Oscar, Phyllis, and Kelly all turn him down are amazing. 

    47. “Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.” — Stanley Hudson

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 8, Episode 15: "Tallahassee" (5:48)

    It's funny on it's own, and the fact that Jim is deflecting his attention to Stanley to avoid being tempted by Cathy is classic The Office irony. Still, it's nice to see Jim and Stanley bonding for once.

    48. “Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for.” — Kelly Kapoor

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 8, Episode 16: "After Hours" (6:11)

    The best part of working from home is that it's is socially acceptable to do this ...so long as your roommates don't mind.

    49. “I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.” —Dwight Schrute

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 9, Episode 26: "Finale" (15:47)

    Bone marrow was really having a moment when this episode came out. Ten years later, I quote this every time I get bone marrow with my pho. Everyone always laughs, but someday I'll meet someone who gets the reference. 

    When they point it out, I'll pretend to lose my spoon and we'll both reach for another one at the same time. Our hands will touch, and we'll look into each other's eyes, and they'll say, "Pass me curvy metal piece, you will." And that will be that.

    50. "That's what she said!" — Michael Scott

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    Season 9, Episode 25, "Finale" (29:21) 

    This is the 44th and final time Michael makes that joke. And also the end of this list.

    There you have it, the 50 best quotes from The Office, in order! Now you know exactly when all those lines were said, which feels....

    NBC / Via PeacockTV

    From now on you guys are no longer losers! So give yourselves a round of applause.

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