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Hilarious Travel Tips Given To Tourist Visiting The US

REAL travel tips written for foreigners about American customs. You want me to do what with my pizza?

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Most of us have looked through a travel guide before visiting a foreign country. Things may have seemed a little bit odd in regards to eating habits and manners. But what happens when the tables are turned? Surely our habits aren't hard to understand? WRONG! Apparently America has some very strange customs that foreigners need to be aware of. Let's dive into a few of the American tourism tips listed on Trip Advisor.

American Etiquette

Cellphones in the movie theater:

"Having your phone make noise or light up in a dark environment will anger people even though they may not immediately say something. It is policy in some movie theaters to eject you without a refund for texting. Being assaulted for ignoring requests to stop this behavior is also not wholly outside the realm of possibility."

Don't talk on your phone in the theater or Americans will stab you.

Hugging and Kissing:

"When it is a kiss, friends and family typically get kissed on one cheek and lovers on the mouth. Once an American does embrace or kiss you, however, it is a guaranteed sign you have made a friend for life or sometimes something more. Spontaneous bear hugs are not uncommon if an American grows fond of you!

Be prepared, because at any moment we might violently hug you.

Bathing:

"Americans typically bathe once a day in hot water and shower directly after strenuous exercise. They also use underarm deodorant: if you have not brought any with you it is recommended you buy some as hot, humid summer weather or stressful business meetings are no excuse if people smell you before they see you. Americans will back away from and not befriend or do business with people who smell bad."

We will sniff you before deciding to make a business deal.

Swim Suits:

"Most attire found in Europe and Australia is perfectly acceptable: that pair of male Speedos in a traveler's suitcase may be a bit less commonly worn, it may raise a few amused eyebrows or a few good natured chuckles, but certainly won't spook the locals into a Puritanical frenzy".

We will shamelessly giggle at your speedos.

Eating Pizza:

"To eat the average, triangle shaped pizza, take the pizza and fold it in half, so that you get a slightly smaller triangle. Take the pointy end and put it in your mouth. Chew. Swallow. Repeat until you get to the crust (eating this part is a matter of taste.) Wipe your mouth with your napkin as you go to remove any excess sauce."

It's all in the perfect folding technique.

Flatulence:

"Bathroom humor is a staple of comedy in America, but it is also a taboo as well: Lifting your behind up and breaking wind in front of somebody is not a good idea, and would certainly be the end of any business or personal relationship with a woman. Burping loudly is not a compliment to the chef in the U.S. It is frowned upon and is actually very poor manners."

No. Just NO.

Female Dress Code:

"Short skirts, sleeveless blouses, wearing makeup or perfume is not automatically considered provocative. A woman is legally allowed to defend herself if assaulted and persisting in making unwanted advances may result in a crowd of angry men sorting you out, that's if the woman hasn't already done so herself by using something called "pepper spray", which is somewhat like tear gas."

A mob will attack you and you will regret your decision immediately.

American Body Language

Inappropriate Hand Gestures:

"Making a sideways fist, fingers facing the receiver, moving it left and right and simultaneously poking the inside of the opposite cheek with the tongue so it bulges out: : it resembles fellatio and implies this is all the woman it is directed at is capable of achieving in life. (it may be performed by members of both sexes, thus.)"

Who is doing this hand gesture so much that it ended up in American travel tips?! *sigh* I blame the school system.

Smiling:

"Some people think Americans are phony or stupid because they smile so much. This is really not the case. The smile is just a sign of a genuinely happy fellow and otherwise it is the one gesture that is understood around the world as friendly. Considering that America is one of the most diverse nations on earth, it makes sense to smile as a nonverbal way of saying, "I am friendly. Hello world!!""

The Chest Bump:

"This is often done at sporting events, and usually among males. It is when two men will face each other, jump in the air, and bump chests, often with a grunt following. It is done as a means of macho celebration of something good happening, like somebody scoring a basket in basketball."

In American it means "Hello! I have had one too many beers at this sporting event."

America! The land of smiling..

Prude...

Chest Bumping...

Seductive Idiots.

Visitors we welcome you with open arms!

But seriously, don't do anything stupid or an angry mob will attack you.

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