Just 16 Predictions For "Eurovision" 2023 That Range From Wholesome To Quite Deranged

    Paddington mascots, Gemma Collins falling, and a whole lot of tea.

    Sooooo if you didn't already know, The European Broadcasting Union last week confirmed that the 2023 Eurovision Song Contest will be held here in the United Kingdom on behalf of Ukraine.

    ukraine winning at eurovision 2022

    There's an ongoing bidding war between several UK cities to decide where exactly the contest will take place, but regardless of the chosen venue, I think we can safely say most, if not ALL, of the following things will happen...

    Editor's note: Obviously the real Eurovision 2023 will and should be heavily influenced by Ukrainian culture and history as a sign of respect for what the country is going through. This list is merely intended to be a humorous commentary on British live TV.

    1. The Sugababes will be our entry.

    sugababes performing on stage

    2. Some combination of Clara Amfo, Rylan Clark-Neal, Davina McCall, Maya Jama, Amanda Holden, Rochelle and Marvin Humes, and of course, Graham Norton will host.

    collage of pictues of celebrities

    3. And at some point they'll all appear dressed as Abba.

    celebrities faces put onto the bodies of abba

    4. Or the Beatles.

    celebrity faces put on the bodies of the beatles

    5. Inevitably, Jedward will work their way into proceedings (probably to give Ireland's score) and reference their song "Lipstick".

    6. Gemma Collins will appear, and she will definitely fall over in a spectacular fashion.

    7. Obviously the dressing rooms will be filled with Yorkshire Tea, Party Rings, and Monster Munch.

    food labels

    8. I just feel like someone will play a prank on Graham Norton.

    Graham Norton talkig and people superimposed behind him

    9. There will be a weird skit where non-British attendees will be asked to guess the meaning of Cockney rhyming slang.

    10. There will be a moment of silence for Sir Terry Wogan, who was the BBC's commentator from 1971 to 2008.

    sir terry wogan sitting

    11. At least one entry (let's be real — it will be more than one) will play on the UK thing and have a dancing Paddington Bear mascot or something of the sort.

    12. There will probably be a performance by a huge UK star — Ed Sheeran, Adele, Harry Styles, Rachel Stevens, what have you.

    adele and harry styles

    13. And Brian May will guest star in the number as the guitarist, of course.

    brian may on stage with guitar

    14. Liam Gallagher will somehow appear to make a caustic speech and flip everyone off.

    15. The person reading out points will be a soap legend of kind — think Jessie Wallace, Letitia Dean, or Julie Goodyear.

    jessie wallace letitia dean and julie goodyear

    16. And finally, we will achieve ~nil~ points despite hosting the ceremony.

    Have we missed anything obvious? Do you have a hunch something else will happen? Let us know in the comments!