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Please Stop What You're Doing And Share Your Feelings On Decaf Coffee

Death before decaf?

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Coffee is the best thing about my morning and decaf is the best thing about my afternoon.

Librakv / Getty Images

I love coffee's flavor. I like the experience of drinking coffee. I enjoy its aroma, whether it's a steaming cup of Starbucks or a bag of freshly ground beans in my backpack. (Please withhold your Starbucks criticism. I get it.) I consider a used filter with a pile of sodden grounds an air freshener for my trash.

I like coffee so much that I even enjoy decaf.

That's right — I will seek out the version of coffee that has gone through a multistep industrial process that extracts the ingredient it's known for, along with its signature "coffee" flavor, before that flavor is reinjected into the now-decaffeinated beans so that I can enjoy a just-coffeelike-enough version of coffee.

Look, I’ve heard the arguments against decaf — and some are better than others, IMO.

@printsinpyjamas / Via instagram.com

Here are the big four (but please let me know in the comments if you have another anti-decaf argument that you can substantiate).

1. The only point of coffee is caffeine.

If coffee is merely a caffeine delivery system that you tolerate because you need that sweet, sweet energy, then decaf doesn't make sense to you. Got it. In this case, I respect the fact that you don't drink it. But this doesn't support the argument that no one should drink it.

2.  Decaf doesn't taste as good.

If you're telling me you can taste when coffee has been decaffeinated, please invite me to the independent coffee shop you own because you obviously have spent a chunk of your life developing your coffee palate. If you're not a bona fide coffee connoisseur, but you're saying you can taste the difference, I'm going to need to you prove that with a double-blind taste test.

3. [Strong opinion that decaf is inferior, but you can't articulate why.]

I respect your moxie and your commitment, but ultimately this isn't a defensible position.

4. Decaffeinating coffee is expensive and resource intensive and is therefore wasteful.

This is probably the only valid argument against decaf coffee. But, tbh, I have a feeling it's only deployed by people who have A Thing against decaf and are reverse engineering reasons why. That said, if you can prove that that’s definitely not you, I will reconsider.

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  1. Decaf coffee is ______.

    Decaf coffee is ______.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Pointless
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Meaningfully less tasty than regular coffee
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Useful because I can drink it late in the day when I want a latte or some other coffee drink but not the caffeine
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Literally a lifesaver because I can't/don't drink caffeine but love the taste of coffee
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Actually so dumb it makes me mad that people drink it
    Correct
    Incorrect
    I don't drink coffee but decaf coffee seems pointless lol??
    Correct
    Incorrect
    I don't drink coffee but decaf coffee seems useful or even enjoyable so why not?
    Correct
    Incorrect
    This issue is not worth having an opinion on
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Something coffee companies invented so we'd drink more of their product around the clock #wakeupsheeple
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Decaf coffee is ______.
  1.  
    vote votes
    Pointless
  2.  
    vote votes
    Meaningfully less tasty than regular coffee
  3.  
    vote votes
    Useful because I can drink it late in the day when I want a latte or some other coffee drink but not the caffeine
  4.  
    vote votes
    Literally a lifesaver because I can't/don't drink caffeine but love the taste of coffee
  5.  
    vote votes
    Actually so dumb it makes me mad that people drink it
  6.  
    vote votes
    I don't drink coffee but decaf coffee seems pointless lol??
  7.  
    vote votes
    I don't drink coffee but decaf coffee seems useful or even enjoyable so why not?
  8.  
    vote votes
    This issue is not worth having an opinion on
  9.  
    vote votes
    Something coffee companies invented so we'd drink more of their product around the clock #wakeupsheeple
  1. Do you brew decaf coffee at home?

    Do you brew decaf coffee at home?
    Correct
    Incorrect
    I brew regular coffee at home but definitely not decaf
    Correct
    Incorrect
    I brew regular and decaf
    Correct
    Incorrect
    I ONLY brew decaf at home
    Correct
    Incorrect
    I don't brew coffee at home
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Why would anyone do this?
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Do you brew decaf coffee at home?
  1.  
    vote votes
    I brew regular coffee at home but definitely not decaf
  2.  
    vote votes
    I brew regular and decaf
  3.  
    vote votes
    I ONLY brew decaf at home
  4.  
    vote votes
    I don't brew coffee at home
  5.  
    vote votes
    Why would anyone do this?
  1. Do you order decaf coffee out?

    Do you order decaf coffee out?
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Yup, and I'm not ashamed
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Yup, and I am ashamed
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Absolutely not and I wear that fact as a badge of honor
    Correct
    Incorrect
    No, and I don't have strong feelings about that
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Not usually but maybe I have in the past? I don't care enough to have a tally.
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Do you order decaf coffee out?
  1.  
    vote votes
    Yup, and I'm not ashamed
  2.  
    vote votes
    Yup, and I am ashamed
  3.  
    vote votes
    Absolutely not and I wear that fact as a badge of honor
  4.  
    vote votes
    No, and I don't have strong feelings about that
  5.  
    vote votes
    Not usually but maybe I have in the past? I don't care enough to have a tally.
  1. Which best describes your attitude when you overhear someone else order decaf?

    Which best describes your attitude when you overhear someone else order decaf?
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Right on, buddy! Let your decaf freak flag fly!
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Wow they should whisper that order, it's embarrassing
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Why not just order nothing since it's the same thing as decaf coffee?
    Correct
    Incorrect
    I don't care what other people order
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Which best describes your attitude when you overhear someone else order decaf?
  1.  
    vote votes
    Right on, buddy! Let your decaf freak flag fly!
  2.  
    vote votes
    Wow they should whisper that order, it's embarrassing
  3.  
    vote votes
    Why not just order nothing since it's the same thing as decaf coffee?
  4.  
    vote votes
    I don't care what other people order
 
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