2. Eliminate unnecessary carbs by ditching the bagel and spreading cream cheese on two pieces of cardboard.
3. When you make BLTs, use beansprouts instead of bacon.
4. Instead of going to happy hour, drink some lukewarm water alone on your couch.
5. Whenever you have the urge to smoke a cigarette do hot yoga instead.
6. One alternative to drinking sugary cocktails is to work on your taxes.
7. When you're at all-night parties and desert raves, suck on sugar-free hard candy in place of doing recreational drugs.
8. Eat more mindfully by using a single chopstick instead of a fork.
9. When you make nachos, get that crunch with celery instead of tortilla chips.
11. Buy whole wheat pasta. When you have a carb craving, dig the pointed end of an uncooked noodle into your palm until the craving passes.
12. When you order pizza, ask for double the sauce, half the cheese, and zero bread.
14. Instead of eating five to six small meals and working out once per day, eat one small meal and work out five to six times per day.
15. Fill up half your plate with veggies. Leave the other half empty.
16. Practice portion control by eating exclusively out of thimbles.
17. Skype in to happy hours, weddings, brunches, and any other food-centric get-togethers.
18. Sub skim milk in milkshakes (in place of whole milk, ice cream, and chocolate syrup).
19. Instead of driving everywhere, put your car in neutral and push it to your destination.
20. Instead of ordering delivery, clean the grout in your bathroom tiles.
21. You're more likely to eat junk food when it's in the house. Burn down your house.
22. Start calling carrots "candy bars." When you get a mid-afternoon sugar craving, indulge in a candy bar.
23. Make a "banana split" with celery instead of a banana, two scoops of fat-free cottage cheese, and "sprinkles" (peas, carrots, diced red pepper).
25. Choose a parking spot that's a little farther away from your destination. When you get out of your car, jog in place vigorously for 20–30 minutes.
26. Resolve to only eat packaged snacks while they're still in their packaging. This should help you eat them less frequently, and the packaging may provide additional fiber.
27. Make dessert something you have only to celebrate special occasions like bicentennials, Halley's Comet sightings, etc.
28. Instead of drinking that sugary coffee drink, pour it out on your hands so they're scalded and you're unable to pick up food or utensils for a little while.
29. Remember that housework burns calories. Re-shingle your roof, build a new deck, rewire your basement, install warmers under the floorboards, and knock out non-load-bearing walls.
31. Determine which internal organs you can have safely removed. A spleen, kidney, and gall bladder together weigh almost 12.5 oz.! (Be sure to consult a physician.)
32. Eat more slowly by bringing a metronome set to its slowest tempo to every meal. Only chew or swallow in time with the beat.
33. Don't eat in front of the TV or while scrolling through your phone. Find a dark, silent space, like a closet or a cabin in the woods. Close the door. Eat your meals there.
34. Avocado is very high in fat. Make guacamole out of green Play-Doh.
Or, you know, don't do any of these. Because being healthy takes balance, and finding realistic but helpful changes you can actually stick to is key. Honestly, maintaining a healthy lifestyle and weight can be complicated and sometimes tough. So maybe let's stop glorifying the short cuts, hacks, and plans that are not only unsustainable and make life sad, but often are actually dangerous.